There is not ever a day that goes by that I don't think of Zion and Selah. They are my children, my babies. Zion was my only son. I can't erase someone so precious to me out of my heart and mind. I've been told by others that moving on would be healthier. That they will be glad when I quit talking about my dead babies. That I need psychological help because I talk too much about my dead children. FACT: I will never stop talking about them.....ever. I have come to the point in my life that I am ok with people not being ok with my expressions about Zion or Selah. Although I do use discretion, as with any other topic. I don't just stand in the grocery line and yell " I have a son and a daughter.... and they died!"
I know it's hard for anyone to think of the tiny life of a child being snuffed out. It reminds us all of life's frailty. It's a fact though. We all die. I try to have mercy on those who have never lost someone so close to them, or they have, and just feel uncomfortable with the subject. "Not everyone grieves the same." I hear this statement often, but it is usually directed toward me (the expressive griever), suggesting for me to tone it down. I am expected to have buried my grief with my children. No, let's apply that statement across the board. Not everyone does grieve the same. I am one who feels a true sense of healing by talking about my children in heaven. It's really all I have to carry them on. I don't have the privilege of watching them grow and learn.
I'll admit that when other people post pictures of their little boys growing, it stings. It's bittersweet. It's not easy to look at and not remember that I have a son, but he died. I adapt though. I find so much more joy than sorrow when I see those pictures of other little boys, alive and well. It's because I am looking for joy. I think to myself of the blessing it is for them to hold and watch their son grow. If looking at and hearing of someone's loss does anything, it should make you look closer at your blessings. You hold them daily. You watch them grow. Having buried two children helps me to ultimately cherish the two I have here with me.
Without going on with a long essay, I will never stop thinking, stop loving, or expressing myself about my children. All 4 of them. True love never dies! Thanks to all of my friends and family who have been on this journey with me with open ears and loving arms.