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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Facing Your Fears

Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. It's also an emotion that I have been closely acquainted with over the last 2 years. For some time, after each loss, I feared so many different things in my life. One big fear was that I would never know happiness and true joy again. I remember that I often said to Jeremy  "Will I ever truly smile again?" I couldn't imagine going on without my son and daughter and  not having to fake a smile while I longed for them to be here with us. At times, I was engulfed by my anxieties and satan had me convinced that I would literally die from the pain of my grief. I was so scared for night to come because that's when I feared the most. I would even make long trips to Walmart in the wee hours of the night/morning just so I could see life stirring around me. I dreaded to pillow my head at night in true fear of dying and leaving my sweet Ellie motherless. These fears were so crippling at times, and I know in my heart that I have lost precious moments with my family and those that needed me. However, my fears had such a strong hold on my life that I couldn't see past them to see their devastating effects.

Another one of my biggest fears, and one that so many of us struggle with, are the "what ifs".  We feel out of control not knowing the outcome of things. I'll admit, it's more like a burden to worry about the thought that this life could be taken away from us at any moment. I will also say, that being pregnant after loss is not easy, by no means, but extremely faith testing. Every pain and twinge makes my mind wonder, "what if this could be the day that I lose my unborn child". I'm human, and I don't always hear the voice of Truth ringing in my ear. Sometimes my fears and anxieties seem to speak louder at times, and unfortunately, I listen. I remember one of the last times that I met with my dear midwife. She was trying to console me as I feared for her to check for the heartbeat of my baby. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, showing true empathy after she herself had suffered multiple losses. She said to me "You must replace your fear with faith! Fear will never change anything for the good. It will only take from those things that are most precious to you." What wise and heartfelt words from someone who understood and had felt my fears and pains just like my own.

Needless to say, I still have my fears at times. However, I am learning to face them one day at a time. It's time for faith to replace them. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Heb11:1). So it's time to walk by faith and not by sight and not by things I can't control. I don't know the future of my unborn child, but I do know the One who controls his/her future. I also don't want to be afraid of my own future and not live out the joyous life that I have in Christ. I want to do like the song writer says "If the life that we've been given is made beautiful in the living. And the joy that we get brings joy to the heart of the Giver. I wanna live like there's no tomorrow and love like I'm on borrowed time. It's good to be alive!" Life is too precious of a gift to waste on the fear of  living it!

Tomorrow, I have an ultrasound for my sweet baby and I pray that all goes well. However, I don't want to be afraid of God's will whatever it may be. That's a hard thing to say because the thought of what His will might be can be scary at times. It might hurt and cause suffering, but we need to see it in the light of whatever it takes to bring Him glory and praise.

I pray that I can enjoy my sweet unborn baby. I want to cherish each day that I have with them and not waste precious time fearing the "what ifs". It's my desire to face my destructive and profitless fears and replace them with true faith in the only One whose worthy to put my faith in. May we all look unto Him who will give us the strength to face our fears and walk boldly in the way of the Lord! To Him alone be the glory!

A song for my sweet baby Sams.

All Of Me
Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you


Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Monday, February 18, 2013

Standing Still

As some of you may know,  this blog has been a work in progress for over a year and a half now. After losing Zion I had thoughts of  starting a blog to share my daily thoughts and feelings, but  never got motivated to actually accomplish the task. Waking up with positive thoughts of daily living seemed unimaginable some days. So, the farthest  I ever got was a backdrop that Jeremy had created, and a title that I felt was fitting for what had just happened in our lives. My beautiful Zion had just been born still. The title "Standing Still" came quickly after remembering a verse that God had placed on our hearts after losing him. "Stand still and consider the wondrous works of God" Job 37:14. 

It's not difficult to see His marvelous works when we're still . Standing still is all I was really capable of doing. I felt like I couldn't take too many steps forward for the fear of what might happen. And I surely didn't want to look back for the fear of going through it all over again. Therefore, all I knew to do was stand still and try my best to think only of the presentness of God and how the scripture says that He is our refuge and strength , a very  present  help in trouble (Psalm. 46:1).  I realized that no matter how great and supportive my friends and family were, no one else could bring me out of those deep and dark feelings of my grief.

Little did I know,  that 5 months after the loss of Zion I would find out that I was unexpectedly, very pregnant with Selah. Her due date was the day we buried Zion. The moment I realized I was pregnant, I immediately felt the fear of  losing my baby again. Unfortunately, that fear came to fruition the day I went into labor with my little sleeping beauty Selah at 20wks 4days. Again, another precious life born still and placed in my arms. We were heartbroken, but at the same time, we found joy.  We had another name picked for my sweet Selah but when we saw how fearfully and wonderfully made she was, we knew that name was surely not fitting for her. We gave her the name Selah, meaning to pause and praise, or in a parallel thought, to stand still and consider the wondrous works of God. And that's what we did. We took that time to worship in our hearts and thank God that He had given us the blessing of being in His presence and for giving us that precious time with our baby. We were in awe at how He had designed each one of her tiny fingers and toes and had given her something from the both of us, another one of His wondrous works.

God has been so faithful to lead us safely down this road of healing that we've been on for almost 2 yrs now. It's been a time of much suffering, but yet so much more joy! One recent joy being that we have hope of  having another live baby very soon. We realize that a live baby may not be His will, however, we trust that His will is perfect and that He is always working all things for our good.  So for now, we must  stand still and trust in His ultimate plan for us. Please pray for us as we continue on this journey of healing and hope, that we may live out our desire to bring glory and honor to the Lord in all that we do. May we see His wonderful works in our stillness! To God alone be the glory! 

"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." Psa.46:10

Monday, February 4, 2013

The Quickening

What a beautiful, yet nerve racking sight, to see those two pink lines on the indicator stick.  Life is known and dreams begin the moment its positive results are viewed. As many of you know, after suffering two losses I am now expecting again in June. I'll be honest, at first, I was in complete shock... so much in shock that I took 13 tests in the matter of  2 weeks. We hadn't planned on being pregnant again anytime soon.  I often refer to my pregnancies, especially the last 2 , as God tricking me. He's sneaky sneaky!! No really, His time is not always ours and my pregnancies just prove to me that no matter what we do, He is ultimately in total, and sovereign control.

After seeing my doctor and having my first ultrasound, I found out that I have an anterior placenta. My placenta is on the front (or anterior) side of my uterus, with the baby behind it. This means it may be harder to see the baby on the ultrasound, hear the baby, or feel the baby's movements. She said she hated it for me that I was one to have this after my losses, but that there should be no complications. As the weeks have went by, every appointment has been nothing but good news! The major fear I had was that my baby would never move. This happened with Selah. All I ever felt from her were faint squirms and slow movements. I never felt a kick to assure me that she was alive and I feared the same with this baby. I thought back in the mid teens of my pregnancy that I felt little dashes of movement, but I wasn't for sure that this was the baby and not simply digestion. However, all those fears were relinquished back a couple of weeks ago when  I felt the "quickening". In pregnancy terms, quickening is the moment in pregnancy when the mother starts to feel or perceive fetal movements in the uterus. I was confident that it was my baby, and that he/she was very much ALIVE. I have rejoiced over the days that have followed that one special day. Every kick reminds me of how my baby is with me at this very moment, and that it should be cherished. There is also a spiritual side to this quickening.  Every time my baby  moves I am reminded of how the Lord has "quickened" me. To quicken means to come to life or to be made alive. The Lord did this to my dead soul the very moment He saved me and rescued me from despair. I was so lifeless and hopeless without Him. He caused my dead spirit to come alive and continues to restore that life daily. I praise the Lord for His sovereignty in every aspect of my life, especially my salvation. I'm thankful that only He has the power to quicken the lifeless. To God alone be the glory!

 "Plead my cause, and deliver me: quicken me according to thy word." Psalms 119:154

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