Room 542........ a hospital room I went to on the dreary day of November 17th, 2011. I didn't go that day as a birth doula, but as laboring mother. 542 became Selah's room. It wasn't the room I had hoped we'd have for her. It wasn't decorated with pink and adorned with a girly theme made for a princess. It wasn't warm and inviting. It wasn't the room where we sat and dreamed for her so many times before. It wasn't a room with a closet full of adorable dresses and bows waiting for her to wear. No..... Room 542 became a room where what dreams I had left after losing Zion, seemed as if they died too. It was a room so cold, so unnatural, and so uninviting to me. 542 laid silent with only a hospital blanket waiting to wrap my baby's lifeless, sleeping body in after she was born. The last time I held her preciousness in my arms was in that room, making it a bittersweet place for me. I felt so much sorrow mingled with joy. I was given the gift of my Selah, another life that has impacted mine more than I have yet to fully experience.
I left Room 542 with an empty womb and empty arms that night after I gave birth to Selah. "Fetal Demise" was written on my charts once again and I was literally empty. I was too weak to even hold my head up as I walked the dreaded path. I could feel all the nurses pitying me as I wailed when I went by. I sobbed all the way to the car and thought to myself "I will never come back to this place ever again!! My heart can't take it! " However, Sunday that plan changed. I was faced with walking down that very hallway I said I would never journey down again. My client/dear friend was in labor and she needed her doula! I knew this time putting on my doula gloves would be different though. I hadn't been back to that hospital for a birth since losing Selah. I had no desire to. I was scared to. As I passed by the nurses' desk and my heart began to run away. I saw the doctor that delivered Zion & was there after Selah. He was looking down and was filling out paper work, thank God. Things seemed as if they began to move in slow motion. Then, the enemy(satan) began to tell me to turn around......RETREAT...and that I couldn't do this. I knew there was a good chance that my client would be in one of the rooms where Zion and Selah was born, given there aren't many labor/delivery rooms in the hospital. When I was told which room to go to I had an immediate lump in my throat. Room 542. The enemy kept negating my ability to cope and I promise, it would've been so easy to agree. When I finally made it to the door I just stood there for a moment to gather myself. I said with my inner voice " My little Selah's room...." I took a deep breath and asked the Lord to give me strength to face what was beyond the door.
When I stepped in I saw smiling faces. It was obvious that the parents-to-be were anxious to meet their baby girl. I greeted them and with each step I took. I remembered taking those same steps before. I pushed back memories and tears as I slowly took time to remove my jacket and turn to face the laboring mommy. In an instant her exhausted smile reminded of why I was there and put every thing into perspective. I was there to serve her and her family during one of the most intimate times of their lives. I was there to empower and encourage. It was a time to rejoice in the life given. My emotions shifted and I was filled with so much indescribable peace. I was sure that the Lord had orchestrated that moment to strengthen my heart!! I was lifted in my weakness. Joy overwhelmed me and I felt equipped to do was I was there to do.....put my love and energy into other precious lives.
God was glorified as pain, hope, and love brought forth a beautiful baby girl named Claudia. I was blessed to witness that miracle. Not only was it a miracle of birth, but it was also the miracle of a major victory in my life. I stood back and watched as the parents were overwhelmed with gratefulness that their baby girl was alive and well. God allowed me to see that! He put me in that place for such a time. He ordained that I see life illuminated in Selah's Room instead of death. He knew that I would praise Him for the painful journey it took to get to experience Him and all His glory. Little Claudia's birth proves that God gives beauty for ashes and that life is more than precious. I was reminded that where there are the darkest of valleys, there are always mountaintops waiting!!! I stood on one of those mountaintops Sunday in Room 542, Selah's room! (now Claudia's room too!)
To God alone be the glory!!
He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength Isa. 40:29