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Friday, May 31, 2013

What Hope Feels Like

Remember from one of  my prior posts "What Hope Looks Like" that HOPE is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or the act of  looking forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence. Most of my days lately have been filled with HOPE. I'm am looking forward to a sweet surprise in my very near future.This week has been one filled with all types of emotions. Some of them have been grief stricken. Some filled with anxiety and a lack of trusting in truth. While there have also been times of complete confidence of my expected end with the Lord.

Satan has tried to torture me so much this week with thoughts of Zion's death and how it will be repeated with this baby. I think he is only using Zion's death because my pregnancy never lasted this long with Selah. With him I went all the way.......40weeks and 2days. He was perfect up until that point. He was full of life until some time that day after the 7 am hour. No warnings. No pains. In just one unexpected moment he was taken from this life to one with his Creator. Sounds awesome on his end doesn't it? On my end I was left in shock from the reality that my perfect baby had just died.

At the time of  Zion's death I felt totally hopeless.  I felt like there was nothing to look forward to or smile about. It all didn't seem to make sense. It was as if I was attempting to place together a puzzle with several pieces missing. I was desperate,  lonely, and I felt hopeless.

 I was not at all looking forward to my future without my baby, and there were surely not many bits of confidence that I had concerning a positive future for myself.  Hope is just the opposite of those feelings. It is also something that satan can't stand for us feel or experience. He would love to keep us defeated and down trodden in our pity , gloom, and despair. However, the Lord desires that we would be HOPE filled.

If I could visually describe what HOPE feels like I would describe it in a little story form. You are lost in some deep, dark, deserted place where there is no other human life. There's not any sustainable supply of water or food. After a while, reality sets in and you realize that you will surely die soon from extreme famine and heart wrenching loneliness.  Then, when you had just about given up the ghost and lost all hopes of  survival, you are greeted by a little friend. The only thing about this little friend is that He is invisible and unseen by the eye. He seems to only be a meek little sparrow but you can hear mighty strength in His wings. He  tells you " I  AM  Faith" and you can hear beauty, life, and power in His voice. He seems so close and you just wish you could reach out and touch Him. Especially after you had not seen any other form of life for quite some time. He gives you words of comfort and encouragement and asks you "Are you thirsty... or hungry?" Without hesitation you desperately say "Yes!"  Then, Faith begins to minister to you by bringing you little morsels of  food and water. Day by day your strength is regained as the loneliness begins to fade and your stomach is filled. Faith reminds you that He will continue to supply all your needs and will never leave you lonely.  However, your mind begins to wonder ...should you really trust this unseen Faith? Could Faith really supply all your needs, because after all, it is just a tiny invisible bird?

Then, your mind starts to think back at where you were in your famine and loneliness. You realize that you were hopeless and lifeless until Faith came to your rescue. You digest the fact that you had NO chance outside of Faith stepping in to save you out of your complete desolation. So  it all comes into the light for you now. You understand that  it takes Faith to have any HOPE of a positive future. You know that no matter what, Faith is all you have to stand on. Now faith is the substance of things HOPED for, the evidence of things not seen."(Heb.11:1) Substance in this verse is defined as the essence or meaning. So faith is the meaning of  things hoped for. It takes faith to have any HOPE, and faith is not something you see. That's why it's called faith. You step out just trusting that God will do what He said He would do. He's the only HOPEor light at the end of the tunnel.Where you once felt like there was no way to come out of the darkness and despair , you finally see the everlasting Light and you have confidence that it  will continue to be a lamp unto your path, no matter the darkest of nights. Now that's HOPE!!

I have hope and confidence that my Lord will see me through this journey to the expected end that He has for me. He has been so faithful to bring me out of those deserted and famine ridden lands of despair and grief. He has quenched my thirst and hunger repeatedly. "And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst." (John 6:35) That's why He's the only one I can put my faith in to give me HOPE for my future. I trust that He is working all things for my good regardless of the outcome. Let us not only put faith and hope in a positive ending or outcome, but let us put faith and hope in the person, Jesus Christ, regardless of the outcome. Pray for us as we continue to put our HOPE and trust in the Lord throughout the remainder of  this journey. May we always praise Him and give Him all the glory for what He has done.


  "And now, Lord, what wait I for? My hope is in thee." Psalms 39:7

Friday, May 24, 2013

The Marks of a Mother

I have the marks of a mother of  four and I proudly wear them these days. When I look at my big rounded belly with marks engraved on it I am reminded that I have carried four lives within my very own. Some of those  journeys have been long and some have been short. Some of them filled with their share of joy and sorrows, but all of them filled with much love.

The first thing I thought about when I saw this picture was "Oh..... look at my big round belly ........and my stretch marks! I love them!" I know that sounds crazy! When we were shooting these pictures I asked my ever sweet photographer if I could have a pic with my naked belly. I get one every time I'm pregnant and each one is cherished. I am proud of my big bare bump! It displays that I am growing a life....a little person inside of me, and that in itself is a beautiful privilege .

A lot of women are embarrassed by their badges or "marks" of life and they often seek diligently to find remedies to erase the sight of them.  However, I choose to embrace the marks of a mother because they are a reminder to me of how God has chosen to give women, one like me,  the privilege of carrying one of his precious gifts into the world. Each belly with its marks displays a life that has been shaped by God and stretched in all sorts of directions to be delivered to an expected end. Everyone's life is shaped and pulled in such similar ways in that we all go through so many journeys in our life. Each one having its own ups and downs. Pregnancy is much the same way as we go through different stages.


There are times when we're sick and we hurt with pain, times when we glow with happiness and health, and times when we are anxious and we just want it over so we can hold our babies safely in our arms. Each stage bringing us to an expected end.

The pregnancy may be over but the marks of a mother still remain. What a reminder of how God has blessed us with miracles of life and how He has brought us safe thus far. He gives us these marks of a mother upon our bodies that may fade with time but are never truly erased.

I have so many marks of a mother that I am privileged to bear. Some I wear on my body ,some I wear on my heart. However, each mark is one that has shaped my life into the beautiful role of a mother.



A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. 
One for every time you sucked your thumb,waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. 
One for every time you had the hiccups. 
One for every dream you dreamed within me.
It isn't very pretty anymore, some may even think its ugly. 
Thats OK. 
It was YOUR home. 
Its where I first grew to love you, 
Where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. 
It held you until my arms could
And for that, I will always find something beautiful in it! 
AUTHOR  UNKNOWN

Thursday, May 23, 2013

12 Things I Love About You




I don't know why I picked 12 but you know how random I am! LOL!  I love these people so much that I had to put a limit on the number or we would be here all day!!


To the Lord:
                    1. You're all powerful and self sustaining.
                    2. You're my healer.
                    3. You chose to save me and that is a miracle.
                    4. You remind me daily of how much you love me.
                    5. You've blessed me so much with things I don't deserve.
                    6. You always provide.
                    7. You're in TOTAl control of my life. Wheww .... that takes the pressure off!
                    8. Whom shall I fear when I have you as my guardian!
                    9. You are the lifter of my head when I am down and feel defeated.
                   10. You've given me a new song.
                   11. You've given me beauty for ashes.
                   12. You have shown me what true joy is

               Now this list could never end!!!!

              
         

To Jeremy:
                  1. A day never goes by that you don't tell me how pretty I am and how much you love me several times.
                  2. You appreciate women and you never fail to acknowledge that.
                  3. I never get tired of you.. We practically spend most of our days together and it NEVER gets old!
                  4. You're the best daddy. There is something sexy about that!!!!
                  5. Did I mention how hot you are???? No really, you've gotten hotter each passing year!
                  6. You're the most compassionate man I know.
                  7. You are truly devoted to God. A godly husband is something I never thought of  but I sure am glad it was in God's thoughts for me.
                  8. You're such a great leader for our family.
                  9. You are so considerate.
                10. You're so much fun!
                11. You love babies!!
                12. You're truly my best friend.

I could go on and on!!!!!!


To Ellie:
             1. You are my miracle baby!
             2. You remind me daily of how much God takes care of us.
             3. Since you were born your cry has been so cute. It looks like a little kitty's face
             4. You're hilarious and I'm not sure which side that came from. ;)
             5. You are my snuggle buddy.
             6. You're a daddy's girl. I never had that privilege and I guess that's why it's so precious!
             7. You tell me all the time how you love God more than me!
             8. You have a tender heart and you don't like hurting people's feelings.
             9. Your big brown puppy dog eyes.
           10. Your big pouty lips. I just wanna kiss em off!
           11. You never forget the details. Even if it's reminding me of mistakes that I've made or if it's remembering  what someone gave you when you were 2.
           12. You never forget to include Zion & Selah. They are your babies too!


To Zion:
              1. Your beautiful red lips.
              2. Your name. Zion Jeremiah just seems so perfect for you.
              3. Your long black hair.
              4. The way you kicked me. There was always a little warning before all the kung fu started.
              5. You loved music. When you heard it nothing could keep you still.
              6. You have a purpose.
              7. Your life and death remind me of God's love.
              8. You are our first born son. No one can ever take that place.
              9. You look just like Ellie in the masculine form so I see you every day.
            10. You've opened my eyes to see the preciousness of life.
            11. You've touched so many lives without ever speaking a word.
            12. You've made my life beautiful.


To Selah:
               1. How you surprised us!  It was a shock the day when we found out we were pregnant with you. It seemed impossible!
               2. Your tiny hands and feet were so precious.
               3. When I saw you I knew you were fearfully and wonderfully made.
               4. You are another daddy's girl. He loves you and misses you more than you'll ever know.
               5. You are with Jesus and that makes me smile.
               6. You were/are perfect!
               7. Your name means to pause and praise. We did that the day you were born.
               8. You've got those same pouty lips and flat feet like me.
               9. The short time we had with you was such a blessing.
              10. You hold so much of my heart.
              11.  You are Ellie & Zion's little sister.
              12. You could never be forgotten.



          "And now abideth faith, hope, charity(Love), these three; but the greatest of these is charity(Love)."      1Cr.13:13

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Expired

"Estimated" Due Dates, also known as EDDs, sometimes frustrate me when taken to the extreme. They are "guess dates" really. They are meant to be used as an estimation date and not as an expiration date. I guess I get personally frustrated because I am one who seems to have her babies 3 days past her estimated due dates, and sometimes that gets held against me. When my son Zion died at 2 days post due date and I delivered at 3 days post due date, I had several say to me "Why did you go past your due date? Why didn't you get induced and he might've/would've lived? " or "Why didn't you go in when you felt the first pain?" They felt, or still feel,  that because my son went 2 days past this estimation that surely his death could've been prevented by,  in their terms, going in and letting them  "take" my baby. After all, inductions being performed on, just days prior to, or post due date for no health reason, are very common occurrences now. However, I feel that it is really unfair to assume that my son's death could've been prevented had it not been for 3 days .

I went through this same thing with Ellie. I went to the dr. on my due date and by the end of the appointment they had already scheduled my induction. I was terrified when the consultation was over. I was told that if I didn't have my baby over the weekend then I would be brought in at the first of the week for an induction. Thank you Jesus!  I did go into labor and didn't have to be induced! She was born 3 days after her "estimated due date".

People are constantly asking when my due date is, and I'll admit, I am very hesitant to reveal it a lot of times. I know people are excited and they want to see me hold a new and live baby just as I do. They have good intentions, however, after my experience with Zion and his due date, I don't want anyone putting pressure on me or instilling any type of  fear into my pregnancy.

I am trying to have a pregnancy that is peaceful and full of trusting in the Lord, and it's hard, especially with outside influences. I do believe that the Lord is in FULL and TOTAL control of my baby's arrival  and that gives me peace. I know there are mother's that have lost babies that feel they need an induction or cesarean to make them feel less anxiety and it gives them a sense of peace.  I would NEVER hold that against them. Nevertheless, I don't feel that I should feel pressured or feel like I am neglecting the welfare of my child if I choose not to do either of those after the loss of my children. I have had way more than one person suggest a cesarean birth to ensure that my baby will live.

I am sorry, if God, the author of life,  means for your baby to live then they will, no matter the type of birth you experience. Every man, woman, boy or girl has their appointment with death ,and ultimately God.(Heb. 9:27) If  life is truly in our hands then we become God and we have no need of Him. I don't like the idea of women feeling bullied or scared into doing something unnecessary because of others' fears. I see this happen so often with my doula clients and I can't tell you how frustrating it is.

I do feel that we should make wise, careful, and prayerfully thought out decisions about anything regarding our children. I also feel that there are times and instances for interventions such as inductions or cesareans. At this point there is no reason for me to have any interventions because it has been noted by my doctor and my midwives that I am currently experiencing a normal and very healthy pregnancy. That is not to say that something might occur in mine or the baby's health in the remainder of my pregnancy. If so,  then yes, I would feel the need to have an intervention at that time. I do plan on waiting on the Lord to send my baby when it's the perfect time so be patient with us.  : )

Sorry to be so transparent,and the Lord knows that I don't want to offend or hurt anyone, but I'm already feeling the pressure as my " due date" is just around the corner. I am definitely in the home stretch ,so to speak, and the anticipation is growing.

I ask that everyone reading this blog ,as well as their friends and loved ones, to pray for us as Baby Sams and I finish out this part of  our journey together. Pray that it will be one of peace and not fear. One of  truly trusting in our Sovereign Lord and His control in our lives. Pray for others that just might not know what to say to loss mothers like myself, and as a result, do more damage than good, when they honestly mean well. Pray that the Lord would fill their mouths with  the right words to say or bridle their tongues when their silence would be better heard.

As I write this I am in tears thinking of  how good God has been. He's given me such caring and supportive people that I love and call my friends. Your prayers, and the prayers of so many others that I don't even know, have meant so much! I have felt them as God has given me so much grace and peace to actually enjoy this pregnancy, when I thought it would be impossible for me to ever feel peace in a pregnancy again. I also pray that if it be God's will that I will hold this baby alive very soon and that I will be able to share him/her with everyone and that we may honor God with our rejoicing over all that He has done. He is worthy! To God alone be the glory!

 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" Jeremiah 29:11

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Trusting In The God Of The Present: Part 3


My God of the present was right there where He said He would be all along. The scripture says that He is a present help in our time of trouble. The problem was that because I didn't know about the future or what it held that I couldn't fully trust and peacefully rest in the present. Mary & Martha had that same problem. All they knew was that their brother was dead at the present time. They were broken and felt despair that they would never see their brother alive again.

I will have to say that on a positive note,  when Mary & Martha. made their petition to Jesus they were straight forward. They said "Lord whom thou lovest is sick." They didn't ramble on about what the problem was and how He needed to fix it. We do that a lot of times. We will say God , here is our request and here's how You need to fix it. Jesus did fix their problem by raising their brother Lazarus from the grave, however , He did it in His timing and by His own will.

What did Jesus think about their anxiety and fear? " Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled. " (John 11:32-33) It said that He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. In the Greek "groaned" has a negative connotation here. It means to be upset and to rebuke. He groaned again later in the chapter. This is speaking of the Jews:" And some of them said, Could not this man, which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?  Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a stone lay upon it" (John 11:37-38) So, no doubt here Jesus was not pleased with their anxieties, fears, or doubt.

Is that meaning that it is wrong to grieve or mourn? No, in Ecclesiastes it says that there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Nevertheless, when it blinds you from the truth of who God is and causes anxieties and fears, then yes, it is wrong. Like I said, I have struggled, and at times, still struggle with this in my daily walk. There were times I would fear over the silly things and almost drive myself crazy. My view of God was definitely clouded and I couldn't see through the fog to see the truth. When our view of God is skewed, like Mary's & Martha's was, then we make our anxieties worse.

I dealt with this a little this morning. I had a horrible dream last night , like I often do, that I lost my baby. When I woke up this morning that horrible thought was already on my mind and satan ran with it. And of course my baby had to be snuggly warm inside and fast asleep. They weren't  willing to budge an inch. I started to dwell on the reality that the worst "could" happen again. I felt defeated and powerless for a few moments. My humanistic mind just about took control and it was heeding to satan's snares. Then the Lord stepped in and proved His control over the whole situation. Satan's power was abolished and my fears were relinquished! My baby instantly came to life!! I literally jumped from my seat and started praising the Lord! He did it again!! He proved Himself once again! He IS my God of the PRESENT!! I want to praise the Lord for loving me even when I am doubtful and I fear! I pray that I may grow more in grace and knowledge of Him so that I may better trust in Him as my God of the Present!!








Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Trusting In The God Of The Present: Part 2

Secondly, Mary & Martha were troubled with:

 2. Distance-  Martha said "Lord if you would have been "here" my brother would have not died". They thought Jesus had to be present to heal him. Martha, being that woman of action, was in her own way accusatory. She was troubled because she knew that the Lord had healed others from a distance, like He did the Centurion's servant, but He didn't do the same for someone that He said He loved. These will be hard words for some people, but sometimes sickness is designed for the glory of God. (John 11:.4) Sin is not always the cause of sickness like some may believe. Look at the apostle Paul. God never healed him and although his infirmity was never cured Paul was a much stronger Christian and apostle for God's service. God received more glory from Paul's illness than He would have from his health .

It's the same with us. Suffering often produces a stronger servant. I can attest to that myself. I feel that because of my suffering I have a closer relationship with the Lord, and I'm grateful. It seems that now, after going through the trials, that I have realized who my God really is and I can truly say " Even if". Even if the Lord chooses for me not to hold this baby alive. Even if I get Cancer or some horrible sickness or disease. Even if I lose my precious family members to death or I go financially bankrupt, I know that I will be sustained by Him .  My assurance in the Lord is all because of the trials that I have been through.  He has proven Himself to me time and time again and that's why I have so much confidence in my future with Him. I am not a victim, but a true victor because of Him.

 Thirdly, Mary & Martha were troubled with:

3. Disbelief - I feel this is the major part of the lesson here. Mary & Martha had a shallow understanding of who He was. Martha believed He was a God of the past when she said " If you would have been here He would not have died."  She also believed He was a God of the future when she said in Vs. 24( speaking of Lazarus) " I know he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day." She believed He would be the resurrection. What about a present God?

The Lord proved He was a God of the PRESENT with His response to Martha in Vs. 25. He said " I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live." So in that statement He was saying to her " I am the God of the present! "  Martha's disbelief  and anxiety was for the present time. She said that he was dead and he stinks. All hope seemed lost.

Remember Jesus saying in Vs. 15 that He was glad that He wasn't there to heal Lazarus so that they would believe. His absence allowed Lazarus to die so that He could perform the miracle of resurrection and increase the faith of  Mary, Martha, and His disciples. They needed to have faith in Jesus' ability to give life because they would soon see their beloved Savior hanging on a cross. They would need to have true confidence in their faith to believe He had power over death!

Death! Sickness! These have been real anxieties of mine and I am sure the anxieties of so many others as well. I was so scared that I was going to lose my only living child to some horrible accident or sickness. Another big fear I had was leaving her motherless from me dying of some horrible disease like Cancer. Death, no matter the time, is a shocker! Especially experiencing the sudden death of someone you love. There is no preparation and you are immediately sent into a total collaboration of numbness, fear , and shock.

I saw the frailty of life the day Zion died and it was reaffirmed the day that I found out that Selah had died also . In my fear I was scared to death of death itself . Not that I wasn't assured of my salvation, but that I didn't want the pain or sting of death anymore. Death and I had become well acquainted. Death was scary, it seemed hopeless, and it literally hurt! However, the Bible tells us that  Christians need not fear death. No one will ever die one second too soon or too late.

Hbr 9:27           "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment. " - We ALL have a specific appointment.


1Sa 2:6           "The LORD killeth, and maketh alive: he bringeth down to the grave, and bringeth up."

So the Lord is in control of every breath. We seem to find this easier to believe, or even digest, when it is an old saint , however, when it's a child we feel very different. It's disturbing for some to think of  God's control in that. Is God only in control of old people dying and He loses the reigns when babies or young people die? Does He step down from His holy throne at times and at other times have His hands tied to our will or circumstances in our life.  No, I believe that God  is Sovereign in everything or in nothing at all.

This concept was one I struggled with myself when Zion and Selah died. My first thoughts were those of "What did I do wrong that took my baby's life?" If I had only not done this or if I would have just done that. My family were quick to point out all the things I should've done so he /she could've lived and still to this day those comments hurt. The what ifs broke me at the time and ultimately placed fear and doubt in my clear view. I started to see with a more humanistic view and I lost my understanding of the truth of who God was.

I knew from my experience that He was a God of the past.  And I knew from the Bible that He would be my God of the future.  But where was my God of the present?

*Stay tuned for the last part of the post











Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Trusting In The God Of The Present: Part 1


The supreme purpose of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. However, one of the greatest obstacles to fulfilling that purpose is anxiety and fear. Anxiety is inner turmoil, distress or fear. Unfortunately, some of us all are all too well acquainted with fear and anxiety.

What does the bible say about anxiety?
"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." Phil. 4:6
The word careful here means anxious. So be anxious for nothing! Sometimes in our brain it is easier said than done.

"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?" Matthew 6:25.

"Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?"  Matthew 6:27
Fearing and having anxiety is pointless and robs us of precious time in our life. Who can add or take away one second from their life when a holy and sovereign Lord is in control?

There are so many instances throughout the scripture where men feared and had their own anxieties. One instance being the story of  Mary, Martha,  and their brother Lazarus in John 11. Mary was the younger sister often seen as the more spiritual one and also known as a woman filled with emotion and femininity. She was the sister that sat at Jesus feet and worshiped Him.  Martha on the other hand was the eldest of the sisters and she was definitely a  woman of service,  a homemaker, that was full of hospitality. She was the one who welcomed Jesus into her home just days before.

We find that Mary & Martha had sent for Jesus because their brother was deathly sick. They said "Lord whom thou lovest is sick!" When Jesus heard of the sickness He said " This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby."(John 11:4) Scripture also tells us that Jesus waited two more days after their plea and remained right where He was, in a place beyond Jordan.

His disciples continued to question Jesus because He wasn't in a hurry. They thought that Lazarus must not be that bad off  because of what seemed like Jesus' lack of concern. Then look at Jesus' response in 14 & 15 . "Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead.  And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, to the intent ye may believe; nevertheless let us go unto him." Then Jesus continues on His journey toward Bethany. At His arrival we know that Lazarus had been dead 4 days already. What was the sisters' response when Jesus arrived? Martha ran to Jesus and said "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." Mary had the same response as she fell at his feet. No doubt these sisters were troubled and full of anxiety because the Master did not make it in time to heal their brother that they so dearly loved.

The sisters were troubled with three main things.

1. Delay-   Why did Jesus delay so long before going to Lazarus?
Verse 5 affirms that Jesus loved the three siblings dearly. That should reassure us of Jesus' love in spite of his two- day delay. You might say that's an odd or strange kind of love that would wait to go heal someone he loved when He was surely capable of the task. However , His delay did not mean that He didn't love Lazarus. Can you imagine love on the basis of time? Verse 6 tells us that it was a delay of love not a delay of time.Jesus knew the delay would make His love more real and would bring more glory to God. That's why He waited until Lazarus was dead. Four days kind of dead!  It's more glorious to raise an impossibility than to just fix some little problem we might have.

How often do we worry because God doesn't  immediately come to the rescue? He often makes us wait as well before His love can really become visible to us. I dealt with this myself right after I lost my son Zion. I felt like I was trying to serve God and my anxiety would not go away. It seemed to even grow at times and new anxieties were added daily.  In my eyes I truly felt like a victim. I kept dwelling on the thoughts that Satan had fed me. Ones where I would literally die from the pain and I would never be able to get past my grief to live a normal life. It wasn't until I finally started listening to the voice of truth and God's word that I could move a step forward from my crippling anxiety. That came from my husband and some great friends and family members continually ministering  and guiding me in the way of  truth and reminding me of God's promises.

It seems as Christians sometimes we feel that God's only way for us is easy and without pain, suffering, or struggles.. However, that is clearly contrary to scripture. Suffering is always for a purpose. It is so that we may know Him (Phl 3:10) and that His glory might be revealed to us.

"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.  To Him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11
















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