Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. It's also an emotion that I have been closely acquainted with over the last 2 years. For some time, after each loss, I feared so many different things in my life. One big fear was that I would never know happiness and true joy again. I remember that I often said to Jeremy "Will I ever truly smile again?" I couldn't imagine going on without my son and daughter and not having to fake a smile while I longed for them to be here with us. At times, I was engulfed by my anxieties and satan had me convinced that I would literally die from the pain of my grief. I was so scared for night to come because that's when I feared the most. I would even make long trips to Walmart in the wee hours of the night/morning just so I could see life stirring around me. I dreaded to pillow my head at night in true fear of dying and leaving my sweet Ellie motherless. These fears were so crippling at times, and I know in my heart that I have lost precious moments with my family and those that needed me. However, my fears had such a strong hold on my life that I couldn't see past them to see their devastating effects.
Another one of my biggest fears, and one that so many of us struggle with, are the "what ifs". We feel out of control not knowing the outcome of things. I'll admit, it's more like a burden to worry about the thought that this life could be taken away from us at any moment. I will also say, that being pregnant after loss is not easy, by no means, but extremely faith testing. Every pain and twinge makes my mind wonder, "what if this could be the day that I lose my unborn child". I'm human, and I don't always hear the voice of Truth ringing in my ear. Sometimes my fears and anxieties seem to speak louder at times, and unfortunately, I listen. I remember one of the last times that I met with my dear midwife. She was trying to console me as I feared for her to check for the heartbeat of my baby. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, showing true empathy after she herself had suffered multiple losses. She said to me "You must replace your fear with faith! Fear will never change anything for the good. It will only take from those things that are most precious to you." What wise and heartfelt words from someone who understood and had felt my fears and pains just like my own.
Needless to say, I still have my fears at times. However, I am learning to face them one day at a time. It's time for faith to replace them. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Heb11:1). So it's time to walk by faith and not by sight and not by things I can't control. I don't know the future of my unborn child, but I do know the One who controls his/her future. I also don't want to be afraid of my own future and not live out the joyous life that I have in Christ. I want to do like the song writer says "If the life that we've been given is made beautiful in the living. And the joy that we get brings joy to the heart of the Giver. I wanna live like there's no tomorrow and love like I'm on borrowed time. It's good to be alive!" Life is too precious of a gift to waste on the fear of living it!
Tomorrow, I have an ultrasound for my sweet baby and I pray that all goes well. However, I don't want to be afraid of God's will whatever it may be. That's a hard thing to say because the thought of what His will might be can be scary at times. It might hurt and cause suffering, but we need to see it in the light of whatever it takes to bring Him glory and praise.
I pray that I can enjoy my sweet unborn baby. I want to cherish each day that I have with them and not waste precious time fearing the "what ifs". It's my desire to face my destructive and profitless fears and replace them with true faith in the only One whose worthy to put my faith in. May we all look unto Him who will give us the strength to face our fears and walk boldly in the way of the Lord! To Him alone be the glory!
A song for my sweet baby Sams.
Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start
I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you
Chorus
Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
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