"Estimated" Due Dates, also known as EDDs, sometimes frustrate me when taken to the extreme. They are "guess dates" really. They are meant to be used as an estimation date and not as an expiration date. I guess I get personally frustrated because I am one who seems to have her babies 3 days past her estimated due dates, and sometimes that gets held against me. When my son Zion died at 2 days post due date and I delivered at 3 days post due date, I had several say to me "Why did you go past your due date? Why didn't you get induced and he might've/would've lived? " or "Why didn't you go in when you felt the first pain?" They felt, or still feel, that because my son went 2 days past this estimation that surely his death could've been prevented by, in their terms, going in and letting them "take" my baby. After all, inductions being performed on, just days prior to, or post due date for no health reason, are very common occurrences now. However, I feel that it is really unfair to assume that my son's death could've been prevented had it not been for 3 days .
I went through this same thing with Ellie. I went to the dr. on my due date and by the end of the appointment they had already scheduled my induction. I was terrified when the consultation was over. I was told that if I didn't have my baby over the weekend then I would be brought in at the first of the week for an induction. Thank you Jesus! I did go into labor and didn't have to be induced! She was born 3 days after her "estimated due date".
People are constantly asking when my due date is, and I'll admit, I am very hesitant to reveal it a lot of times. I know people are excited and they want to see me hold a new and live baby just as I do. They have good intentions, however, after my experience with Zion and his due date, I don't want anyone putting pressure on me or instilling any type of fear into my pregnancy.
I am trying to have a pregnancy that is peaceful and full of trusting in the Lord, and it's hard, especially with outside influences. I do believe that the Lord is in FULL and TOTAL control of my baby's arrival and that gives me peace. I know there are mother's that have lost babies that feel they need an induction or cesarean to make them feel less anxiety and it gives them a sense of peace. I would NEVER hold that against them. Nevertheless, I don't feel that I should feel pressured or feel like I am neglecting the welfare of my child if I choose not to do either of those after the loss of my children. I have had way more than one person suggest a cesarean birth to ensure that my baby will live.
I am sorry, if God, the author of life, means for your baby to live then they will, no matter the type of birth you experience. Every man, woman, boy or girl has their appointment with death ,and ultimately God.(Heb. 9:27) If life is truly in our hands then we become God and we have no need of Him. I don't like the idea of women feeling bullied or scared into doing something unnecessary because of others' fears. I see this happen so often with my doula clients and I can't tell you how frustrating it is.
I do feel that we should make wise, careful, and prayerfully thought out decisions about anything regarding our children. I also feel that there are times and instances for interventions such as inductions or cesareans. At this point there is no reason for me to have any interventions because it has been noted by my doctor and my midwives that I am currently experiencing a normal and very healthy pregnancy. That is not to say that something might occur in mine or the baby's health in the remainder of my pregnancy. If so, then yes, I would feel the need to have an intervention at that time. I do plan on waiting on the Lord to send my baby when it's the perfect time so be patient with us. : )
Sorry to be so transparent,and the Lord knows that I don't want to offend or hurt anyone, but I'm already feeling the pressure as my " due date" is just around the corner. I am definitely in the home stretch ,so to speak, and the anticipation is growing.
I ask that everyone reading this blog ,as well as their friends and loved ones, to pray for us as Baby Sams and I finish out this part of our journey together. Pray that it will be one of peace and not fear. One of truly trusting in our Sovereign Lord and His control in our lives. Pray for others that just might not know what to say to loss mothers like myself, and as a result, do more damage than good, when they honestly mean well. Pray that the Lord would fill their mouths with the right words to say or bridle their tongues when their silence would be better heard.
As I write this I am in tears thinking of how good God has been. He's given me such caring and supportive people that I love and call my friends. Your prayers, and the prayers of so many others that I don't even know, have meant so much! I have felt them as God has given me so much grace and peace to actually enjoy this pregnancy, when I thought it would be impossible for me to ever feel peace in a pregnancy again. I also pray that if it be God's will that I will hold this baby alive
very soon and that I will be able to share him/her with everyone and that we may honor
God with our rejoicing over all that He has done. He is worthy! To God alone be the glory!
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD,
thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" Jeremiah 29:11
My God of the present was right there where He said He would be all along. The scripture says that He is a present help in our time of trouble. The problem was that because I didn't know about the future or what it held that I couldn't fully trust and peacefully rest in the present. Mary & Martha had that same problem. All they knew was that their brother was dead at the present time. They were broken and felt despair that they would never see their brother alive again.
I will have to say that on a positive note, when Mary & Martha. made their petition to Jesus they were straight forward. They said "Lord whom thou lovest is sick." They didn't ramble on about what the problem was and how He needed to fix it. We do that a lot of times. We will say God , here is our request and here's how You need to fix it. Jesus did fix their problem by raising their brother Lazarus from the grave, however , He did it in His timing and by His own will.
What did Jesus think about their anxiety and fear? " Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at
his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had
not died.
When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which
came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled. " (John 11:32-33) It said that He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. In the Greek "groaned" has a negative connotation here. It means to be upset and to rebuke. He groaned again later in the chapter. This is speaking of the Jews:" And some of them said, Could not this man, which opened the eyes of the
blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?
Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a stone lay upon it" (John 11:37-38) So, no doubt here Jesus was not pleased with their anxieties, fears, or doubt.
Is that meaning that it is wrong to grieve or mourn? No, in Ecclesiastes it says that there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Nevertheless, when it blinds you from the truth of who God is and causes anxieties and fears, then yes, it is wrong. Like I said, I have struggled, and at times, still struggle with this in my daily walk. There were times I would fear over the silly things and almost drive myself crazy. My view of God was definitely clouded and I couldn't see through the fog to see the truth. When our view of God is skewed, like Mary's & Martha's was, then we make our anxieties worse.
I dealt with this a little this morning. I had a horrible dream last night , like I often do, that I lost my baby. When I woke up this morning that horrible thought was already on my mind and satan ran with it. And of course my baby had to be snuggly warm inside and fast asleep. They weren't willing to budge an inch. I started to dwell on the reality that the worst "could" happen again. I felt defeated and powerless for a few moments. My humanistic mind just about took control and it was heeding to satan's snares. Then the Lord stepped in and proved His control over the whole situation. Satan's power was abolished and my fears were relinquished! My baby instantly came to life!! I literally jumped from my seat and started praising the Lord! He did it again!! He proved Himself once again! He IS my God of the PRESENT!! I want to praise the Lord for loving me even when I am doubtful and I fear! I pray that I may grow more in grace and knowledge of Him so that I may better trust in Him as my God of the Present!!
2. Distance- Martha said "Lord if you would have been "here" my brother would have not died". They thought Jesus had to be present to heal him. Martha, being that woman of action, was in her own way accusatory. She was troubled because she knew that the Lord had healed others from a distance, like He did the Centurion's servant, but He didn't do the same for someone that He said He loved. These will be hard words for some people, but sometimes sickness is designed for the glory of God. (John 11:.4) Sin is not always the cause of sickness like some may believe. Look at the apostle Paul. God never healed him and although his infirmity was never cured Paul was a much stronger Christian and apostle for God's service. God received more glory from Paul's illness than He would have from his health .
It's the same with us. Suffering often produces a stronger servant. I can attest to that myself. I feel that because of my suffering I have a closer relationship with the Lord, and I'm grateful. It seems that now, after going through the trials, that I have realized who my God really is and I can truly say " Even if". Even if the Lord chooses for me not to hold this baby alive. Even if I get Cancer or some horrible sickness or disease. Even if I lose my precious family members to death or I go financially bankrupt, I know that I will be sustained by Him . My assurance in the Lord is all because of the trials that I have been through. He has proven Himself to me time and time again and that's why I have so much confidence in my future with Him. I am not a victim, but a true victor because of Him.
Thirdly, Mary & Martha were troubled with:
3. Disbelief - I feel this is the major part of the lesson here. Mary & Martha had a shallow understanding of who He was. Martha believed He was a God of the past when she said " If you would have been here He would not have died." She also believed He was a God of the future when she said in Vs. 24( speaking of Lazarus) " I know he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day." She believed He would be the resurrection. What about a present God?
The Lord proved He was a God of the PRESENT with His response to Martha in Vs. 25. He said " I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live." So in that statement He was saying to her " I am the God of the present! " Martha's disbelief and anxiety was for the present time. She said that he was dead and he stinks. All hope seemed lost.
Remember Jesus saying in Vs. 15 that He was glad that He wasn't there to heal Lazarus so that they would believe. His absence allowed Lazarus to die so that He could perform the miracle of resurrection and increase the faith of Mary, Martha, and His disciples. They needed to have faith in Jesus' ability to give life because they would soon see their beloved Savior hanging on a cross. They would need to have true confidence in their faith to believe He had power over death!
Death! Sickness! These have been real anxieties of mine and I am sure the anxieties of so many others as well. I was so scared that I was going to lose my only living child to some horrible accident or sickness. Another big fear I had was leaving her motherless from me dying of some horrible disease like Cancer. Death, no matter the time, is a shocker! Especially experiencing the sudden death of someone you love. There is no preparation and you are immediately sent into a total collaboration of numbness, fear , and shock.
I saw the frailty of life the day Zion died and it was reaffirmed the day that I found out that Selah had died also . In my fear I was scared to death of death itself . Not that I wasn't assured of my salvation, but that I didn't want the pain or sting of death anymore. Death and I had become well acquainted. Death was scary, it seemed hopeless, and it literally hurt! However, the Bible tells us that Christians need not fear death. No one will ever die one second too soon or too late.
Hbr 9:27 "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment. " - We ALL have a specific appointment.
1Sa 2:6 "The LORD killeth, and maketh alive: he bringeth down to the grave, and bringeth up."
So the Lord is in control of every breath. We seem to find this easier to believe, or even digest, when it is an old saint , however, when it's a child we feel very different. It's disturbing for some to think of God's control in that. Is God only in control of old people dying and He loses the reigns when babies or young people die? Does He step down from His holy throne at times and at other times have His hands tied to our will or circumstances in our life. No, I believe that God is Sovereign in everything or in nothing at all.
This concept was one I struggled with myself when Zion and Selah died. My first thoughts were those of "What did I do wrong that took my baby's life?" If I had only not done this or if I would have just done that. My family were quick to point out all the things I should've done so he /she could've lived and still to this day those comments hurt. The what ifs broke me at the time and ultimately placed fear and doubt in my clear view. I started to see with a more humanistic view and I lost my understanding of the truth of who God was.
I knew from my experience that He was a God of the past. And I knew from the Bible that He would be my God of the future. But where was my God of the present?
The supreme purpose of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. However, one of the greatest obstacles to fulfilling that purpose is anxiety and fear. Anxiety is inner turmoil, distress or fear. Unfortunately, some of us all are all too well acquainted with fear and anxiety.
What does the bible say about anxiety?
"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." Phil. 4:6
The word careful here means anxious. So be anxious for nothing! Sometimes in our brain it is easier said than done.
"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?" Matthew 6:25.
"Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?" Matthew 6:27
Fearing and having anxiety is pointless and robs us of precious time in our life. Who can add or take away one second from their life when a holy and sovereign Lord is in control?
There are so many instances throughout the scripture where men feared and had their own anxieties. One instance being the story of Mary, Martha, and their brother Lazarus in John 11. Mary was the younger sister often seen as the more spiritual one and also known as a woman filled with emotion and femininity. She was the sister that sat at Jesus feet and worshiped Him. Martha on the other hand was the eldest of the sisters and she was definitely a woman of service, a homemaker, that was full of hospitality. She was the one who welcomed Jesus into her home just days before.
We find that Mary & Martha had sent for Jesus because their brother was deathly sick. They said "Lord whom thou lovest is sick!" When Jesus heard of the sickness He said " This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby."(John 11:4) Scripture also tells us that Jesus waited two more days after their plea and remained right where He was, in a place beyond Jordan.
His disciples continued to question Jesus because He wasn't in a hurry. They thought that Lazarus must not be that bad off because of what seemed like Jesus' lack of concern. Then look at Jesus' response in 14 & 15 . "Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead. And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, to the intent ye may believe; nevertheless let us go unto him." Then Jesus continues on His journey toward Bethany. At His arrival we know that Lazarus had been dead 4 days already. What was the sisters' response when Jesus arrived? Martha ran to Jesus and said "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." Mary had the same response as she fell at his feet. No doubt these sisters were troubled and full of anxiety because the Master did not make it in time to heal their brother that they so dearly loved.
The sisters were troubled with three main things.
1. Delay- Why did Jesus delay so long before going to Lazarus?
Verse 5 affirms that Jesus loved the three siblings dearly. That should reassure us of Jesus' love in spite of his two- day delay. You might say that's an odd or strange kind of love that would wait to go heal someone he loved when He was surely capable of the task. However , His delay did not mean that He didn't love Lazarus. Can you imagine love on the basis of time? Verse 6 tells us that it was a delay of love not a delay of time.Jesus knew the delay would make His love more real and would bring more glory to God. That's why He waited until Lazarus was dead. Four days kind of dead! It's more glorious to raise an impossibility than to just fix some little problem we might have.
How often do we worry because God doesn't immediately come to the rescue? He often makes us wait as well before His love can really become visible to us. I dealt with this myself right after I lost my son Zion. I felt like I was trying to serve God and my anxiety would not go away. It seemed to even grow at times and new anxieties were added daily. In my eyes I truly felt like a victim. I kept dwelling on the thoughts that Satan had fed me. Ones where I would literally die from the pain and I would never be able to get past my grief to live a normal life. It wasn't until I finally started listening to the voice of truth and God's word that I could move a step forward from my crippling anxiety. That came from my husband and some great friends and family members continually ministering and guiding me in the way of truth and reminding me of God's promises.
It seems as Christians sometimes we feel that God's only way for us is easy and without pain, suffering, or struggles.. However, that is clearly contrary to scripture. Suffering is always for a purpose. It is so that we may know Him (Phl 3:10) and that His glory might be revealed to us.
"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by
Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect,
stablish, strengthen, settle you. To Him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11
NOTE... These are in no specific order. Just my random thoughts.
1. I don't like Chocolate.
I know...I know, I am not a normal female. I get told this often when I inform others that I say NO to Chocolate.
2. I am horribly, and I mean horribly, scared of rats!!!
Eeek!!! I have actually busted my nose after running into a glass door while trying to flee from an itty bitty mouse before. That little mouse caused some major damage!!
3. I used to be a truck driver.
I drove a truck for my family's produce market for years until I finally quit my job to be a new mommy to Ellie. Now I love my jobs of being a stay at home mommy & wife!
4. I am a milk sharer.
I donated my breast milk after having Ellie & Zion and I hope to be able to share with those in need after having this baby.
5. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone smacks, crunches, or slurps when they eat.
Worst of all , my little Ellie does it just to see me cringe!
6. I always over punctuate!!!
7. I used to loooooove rap music and I had some sweet moves on the dance floor!
Yes, it is quite embarrassing to think about that now that I'm a mommy to a little girl!
8. I wanted nothing to do with my husband when we first met.
At the time, I had just gotten out of a relationship. I wouldn't even give him my number. However, behind my back , my mother secretly did. She told Jeremy "Don't give up on her!" Praise God that he didn't give up on me, and here we are, still madly in love after all these years! I am one blessed wife!
9. I love Thai food!!!!!!!
10. I never wash my makeup off at night.
My face breaks out easily if I wash it too much. I usually just wash it off in the shower the next day and it seems to work best for me.
11. I am passionate about birth rights!
I feel that a woman should have the right to give birth where ever she feels is best for her and her family without condemnation, judgement, or force. She should also be able to chose the care giver that see feels most confident and comfortable with.
12. I'm a pill popper!
No really, I am currently taking 25 pills to try and have the healthiest pregnancy possible. Some days it gets really old! I have always had a phobia of medicines, so I'm thankful that all of them are nutrients and herbs with the exception of one. Hopefully I'll be able to cut back very soon!
13. I have severe white coat syndrome.
Every time I go to the doctor it really tears my nerves up! I sweat heavily , my heart rate and blood pressure rises and I get a horrible lump in my throat.
14. My favorite years were the 80"s.
I still love the crazy neon colors and the ridiculous fashions from that era.
15. I love to cook.
I was taught to cook at an early age and I guess it has just stuck with me. I celebrate and medicate everything with food!
16. I'm a baby wearing, breast feeding, and attachment parenting momma!
I feel that these things create strong and healthy bonds between mommy and baby!
17. I get nervous standing in front of crowds!
18. I deal with anxiety often.
After losing Zion & Selah I have suffered with crippling anxiety at times.
It is a daily process in my life. Although, it has gotten sooooo much better and a lot more manageable. I'm so thankful for a Savior that understands my frailties!
19. I have a thyroid disease.
I have recently been diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. It is an auto immune thyroid disorder causing me to have hypothyroidism. It is hereditary and most of the women in my family have the same disease.
20. My nick name is Criddle.
I was given this nickname around the age of 12. It actually started as a mispronunciation of my actual name.
Throughout my Christian life I have struggled like so many others
with the sovereignty of God. Are things by chance or by design...... by luck or by the sovereign plan and will of God. Is He really in total control? That question has been tested often throughout my life, but surely tested the most in these last couple years. Each time the question being answered with a steadfast YES! Yes, He is in total and complete control of everything. Although my life seemed to be out of control at times, its reigns were surely in the hands of an all powerful God.
After losing Zion, months went by with me experiencing horrible anxieties and fears. What was wrong with me? What horrible disease was I dying from? Why couldn't I have a live baby? Would I ever be a mother to a live baby again? I would look around at other women who seemed so unhealthy to me, yet, they were mothers to many children. I had tried to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and still, my baby died. In my heart I knew that God was truly sovereign and that what I was going through was beyond anything that I could control.
A time that I really felt out of control was the day that I found out I was expecting another baby just shortly after losing Zion. I had been exclusively pumping and donating my breast milk and my cycle had never returned. We were taking other precautionary measures as well, and I still somehow managed to become pregnant with Selah. I remember taking that test and thinking "There's NO way I could be pregnant", but God was totally sovereign and saw fit to bless us with another baby.
All my hopes of having a live baby were crushed when I went into the doctor' s office at 20 wks 4days only to find that my little ray of hope was gone. I had been having contractions all night and I was in labor.
I must say, there is nothing like hearing those gut wrenching words " I can't find a heartbeat." With anguish my response was "NO!!! Not again!!" I kept thinking of what went wrong. Why was my body failing me again?? I felt so out of control and helpless.
I went home to labor because I knew that soon enough we would be facing the four walls of that place I so dreaded to go again. Seeing that I was in labor, I knew that the baby more than likely had passed some days sooner and that my body was just naturally reacting. I was in fear that after arriving at the hospital that they would try to take my baby from me if the baby was not considered 20 weeks. I wanted to see my baby whole and as they were in my womb, not ripped from my body and broken into pieces.
After laboring at home all day we went to the hospital to deliver my sleeping baby. She was born very shortly after our arrival. So soon that Jeremy had to deliver her himself. Then, we finally met her! The first thing we noticed was that the cord was wrapped very tightly, more than once , around her neck. So tightly that that they didn't even bother to unwrap it from her tiny little neck. They just clipped the cord into two different sections so that she could be free. I won't lie, it was very disturbing to see my little Selah like that, knowing that I couldn't help her.
When the doctor finally arrived he examined her and he felt as if she had died from a cord accident. Then words so unforgettable to me rolled off his tongue. " You are as healthy as a horse and I can't find anything wrong. You just have "bad luck"! You're like one of those people whose house burns down and in the same day their dog gets run over." Really?? I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I couldn't believe that he was considering the loss of my children just an issue of "luck". I was puzzled and once again I was left to wonder was there truth in the doctor's words or was there something more. Was this "luck" or the sovereign will of God?
My midwife wasn't going to chalk it up to just my "bad luck". In her heart she felt there was more to my story. She mentioned to the doctor about having me tested for numerous genetic disorders including blood clotting and lupus. He was only considering the fact that he had done several panels of protocol blood testing that concluded that I was a seemingly very healthy young female. He felt that there was no way I could have a genetic disorder, because I have a live and healthy daughter. His ruling.........just "bad luck"!
8 more months went by after the loss of Selah and I wrestled with the thoughts of did I just have "bad luck", or was it my gut instinct that something was really wrong. At that point, I had been told by satan for over a year that I was dying of some horrible disease that was taking the lives of my children and that it would one day take my life as well. I had listened to it all long enough! Only being moved by the Lord, I finally put my so called "luck" to the test.
I faced my fear of what could be wrong and I went to my new doctor and told her I wanted to be tested for anything that could cause me to lose my children. After a thorough examination and several vials of blood later, she came back in to tell me her major concerns and ideas on what could possibly be wrong. She said that she felt just as my midwife did. I either had lupus, a blood clotting disorder, or a folic acid deficiency. I asked which was the best and worst to have out of all 3. She felt that the blood clotting disorder would be the most complicated to treat and the folic acid deficiency would be the easiest to treat. She had found that a large number of women that were otherwise healthy ,but continue to lose children, have the genetic folic acid disorder.
She told me that the office would give me a call back in about a week with my results. However, 6 days had passed and I was too antsy. I had to make a call to the doctor's office. I couldn't wait to know. I ask the nurse if she could give me my results over the phone and she did. She informed me that I had a thyroid disorder and that I needed to be evaluated more extensively by an endocrinologist. I was flabbergasted! I had no obvious symptoms of a thyroid disorder other than being unable to lose the baby weight. I just thought that the weight was from having 2 babies very close together. She then said stated that I needed to come back in and see the doctor for my other results. That way she could answer any of my questions that I might have. I scheduled an appointment right away and I don't think I slept a wink in those few days before that appointment. I knew in my heart that she had found something and I was very anxious and scared of what it could be!
When I arrived at the office I knew that my blood pressure was about to exceed my expectations!! Then they called my name I could feel the sweat rolling into my palms. The nurse escorted me into the exam room and I was told that the doctor would be in shortly. That was the longest 10 mins.ever!! When she entered the room she came in with the biggest smile on her face and said " Crystal.......I have good news for you!" She proceeded to give me her finding, that I in fact did have the genetic folic acid deficiency. She was overjoyed that it was the simplest to treat out of all the issues that I could've had. She said that it was known as the MTHFR genetic mutation which is a disorder that causes a major problem with my body's metabolism of folic acid. A low level of folic acid can cause so many problems with how our body functions and especially during pregnancy. With the MTHFR mutation your body processes less folate.
Less folate leads to a buildup of homocysteine. Too much homocysteine
has been linked to health problems like abnormal clotting, heart disease, strokes and pregnancy complications.
Another sad reality is that over 40% of Americans are walking around with this disorder and they don't even know it. It is not a test that is routine. It is a genetic test. She said I would've never known of it had my children not died, sending a reg flag that there was some sort of problem. It is not a normal protocol to test pregnant mothers until they have experienced 3 or more losses. However, I am so glad that someone was willing to help me to find some answers. It's just so sad that women have to endure such losses before some doctors will step in to check for issues they might have.
I cried when she proceeded to tell me that all that was needed was a high dosage of folic acid. I asked in amazement "So it's the lack of something so simple? Something that I could get off the shelf at Wal-mart is what caused me to lose my children?" She said she wasn't for sure with Selah because of the assumed cord accident, however, she felt that if she didn't die from that she surely did from the genetic disorder. She wanted me to understand that it wasn't just that simple. Folic acid plays a huge part in a healthy pregnancy and in any healthy adult. When we don't have a sufficient supply in our bodies it can cause major problems. She was so consoling when I was confronted with the fact that I had a problem and now I knew what it was. No more walking around wondering what it could be or even believing the excuse of it just being a case of "bad luck".
The doctor also informed me that I had a thyroid disorder called hypothyroidism. I have an underactive thyroid. I was somewhat familiar with this disorder considering that most of the females in my family have this same problem.. She assured me that the thyroid disorder was not the cause of the loss of my children, but that I needed to see an endocrinologist for my thyroid treatment.
I walked out of the office that day and sat in my car only to weep uncontrollably. I felt like I had just lost my babies all over again. I wept over all that I had just learned and I was trying to let it all sink in. I wept over the fact that it wasn't by chance or coincidence. That's hogwash! Through God's sovereignty I was shown that I had a problem that was beyond my control. It wasn't in something that I had or had not eaten or that I had a midwife for a care provider and was planning a home birth. It wasn't in some horrible sin that I had committed or that I didn't try to live the healthiest that I could and make the best choices for my baby. It wasn't even in my so called "bad luck".
Zion's name now had shown me it's true meaning. His name means sign or way marker. Through God ,that's surely what Zion has done in all of this. His death has become the way marker to reveal my problem so that I may warn my family and others about it. The knowledge of my disorder will now assist me in being a healthier wife and mother for my family. I know that just because I'm aware of a possible cause for the loss of my children that it doesn't guarantee that my unborn baby will live. Life is not measured by some diagnosis that we might receive, but only by the sovereign and master plan of God.
Please continue to pray that if it be God's will that I will hold my precious baby alive very soon. I feel so blessed that I can rest in a God that is in full and total control of my life's outcomes and that I will never have to depend on so called "luck" to steer which way life's journey will go. To God alone be the glory!
"Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me."
"Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the
things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I
will do all my pleasure." Isaiah 46:9-10
March 28th, 2011 was definitely the saddest day of my life thus far. It was another sleepless night full of dark thoughts and the aggravating inconveniences of hospital stay. My nurse had changed by this point, (Halllelujah!!) and in my eyes, the new one seemed like an angel. She came in and cried with me as she assured me that she would do all she could to help me in any way. Throughout the night I was prodded with tons of blood drawing and testing as my induction continued, and so of course, good sleep was not an option.
My midwife and husband remained by my side and just looked at me with eyes of understanding when I continued to repeat those words over and over, "Please.... just let me die!" There really wasn't much more vocabulary that was present in my mind at the time. I was so broken inside and I felt so guilty. Guilty for ever thinking one bad thought about someone. I even felt guilty for ever eating any food that wasn't organic or not having every ultrasound that could possibly be administered. Satan was also there to remind me of all my sins and extend condemnation. He reminded me of all the despair that I would feel and what a horrible wife and mother I would be because of my paralyzing grief . He desired for me think the unimaginable. He is often good at convincing us that nothing will ever be able to cure our brokenness and despair.
As the morning daylight was approaching, Jeremy and I took a moment by ourselves to watch the sun rise. We peeled back the shades of that gloomy labor room to watch light and life come in. We held hands and prayed together because we knew this was the day that we would finally meet our precious baby. Not the way we had desired, but the way God had designed, and so we worshipped. God gave me strength at that time to think of His Glory and not just my sadness, His Peace and not just my sorrow. We cried together and it was in that moment that we knew we were not alone, but truly surrounded by the presence of the Lord.
It wasn't long until visitors began to come. The waiting room was soon filled with tons of our family members and friends. We were so thankful for the outpouring of love from each and every one that was present and also with us in spirit. My labor room was filled as well and I remember each person that came and sat by my bed side that day. They got to see me at my lowest and worst. My eyes were swollen very badly, my lips cracked and dry, my hair a hot mess, and not a dab of makeup left. I couldn't muster up the strength to even try to fix myself up when that wasn't at all what was going on inside of me.
Some of my family members were outraged at what had happened and they were
blaming it on my choice to plan a home birth. They felt if I had just
had a "normal hospital birth" with a "regular doctor" my baby would've lived. They were also saying things like " If she had just come in with the first pain the baby would've lived", and so many more "if onlys". I know that they were just looking for any reason for my baby's death and that's "somewhat" understandable. However, my choices and plans had nothing to do with the passing of my baby. I Thank God for the doctor coming in to explain that to those who were present in the room with us. He explained what would happen and he said "There is nothing that you could've done to prevent this from happening. It's not your fault or any fault of the midwife's. Nothing would've changed the outcome here." What he said did give me some relief because not only did I feel an enormous amount of guilt , but I had others shoveling more on top of it, and it hurt!
22 hours of grief and labor had passed and we were getting closer to having our baby. I was getting so anxious because I could feel that the journey with my baby was coming to an end. My friend Jennifer played one of my favorite songs for me by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Sometimes I can put myself back in that room and hear it just as it was that day, clear and reverent. I couldn't help but cry and raise my hands to my God that had blessed me so much. He was there and that was all that was needed. I felt Him just like He had scooped me up in His big arms to hold me so tightly, and He gave me strength.
"Thou Oh Lord"- Please listen!!
I started to feel lots of pressure and I knew it was time to push. All my room guests were asked to leave except my midwife, my best friend , my mom, my mother in law, and of course, Jeremy. I began to push, but with every push, there came reservation. The doctor and nurse had warned me because they felt like the baby had probably suffered a cord accident, after they couldn't find any other cause. I just couldn't imagine looking at my baby in such distress, knowing that I couldn't help them, and I was afraid. With every contraction I couldn't help but push and it was inevitable that I would meet my baby in a matter of minutes.
When the doctor came back in he looked so disturbed, as I'm sure he does when he has to deliver any baby sleeping. When it came to the last few pushes, I wanted to hold back and I kept crying" I can't do it, I'm scared!" I was so scared of it being over. I was scared of our journey together being over and me viewing some horrible sight when I saw what my baby had suffered while in my womb. I also dreaded the confirmation that my baby's life was gone for sure and that God didn't miraculously breathe life back into my baby as I had hoped.
I had the best cheer leaders that day. It was as if for a moment they were blinded to the fact that our baby was dead. They were excited through every successful push and hoorayed every time a contraction was finished. Then, the most feared time was imminent when the last few pushes were over and it was time to meet my baby. My final thoughts before the baby arrived were "God please help me! Is it a boy or a girl? What will I see?"
Then I felt the last part of my baby's body arrive into this world. The time was 6:43 pm. Everyone was silent as the doctor took time to look and examine the baby extensively. I couldn't see much because I was on my side as I delivered, however, I could hear. I heard the umbilical cord as it was moved across the plastic on the bed. I could tell it was heavy. I remember glancing over my shoulder to see the doctor opening the baby's mouth and looking at their ears in deep concentration. Then I heard it! Out of the silence and stillness came a voice saying " Crystal.... It's a BOY, You have a boy!!" My heart sank and I wept. It was this little boy that I had imagined the whole time. He was here.... but he was gone. I couldn't help but mumble his name over and over "Zion.... Zion....Zion!"
I was all ready missing this little person that I had just met. I wept uncontrollably for a couple of minutes, that seemed like an eternity. Then, the doctor made his first statement after Zion arriving " Crystal, I'm so sorry.......but your baby is.....your baby is just perfect." My heart sank another 1,000 feet. Perfect?? How could my baby be so perfect and be dead? What went wrong?? I was so confused and crushed! Then, those same feelings of guilt crept back into my mind.
A few moments passed and the nurse asked " Would you like to hold your baby?" I quickly rolled over and sat up in my bed with anticipation to see this perfect baby. When his body was placed in my arms I was amazed at how warm and cozy he felt. He had lots of dark black hair that I had prayed for and we were all in amazement at his beautiful bright red lips. He was meaty and muscular like a boy should be. He was another combo kid like Ellie, having distinct features of both Jeremy and I. I kept waiting for him to miraculously breathe ,but he never did. He just appeared as if he was sleeping so peacefully, because in reality he truly was.
The nurse asked did we have a name for him. It killed me to say it as I wept "Yes, Zion .......Zion Jeremiah" and then I pulled him into my chest and buried my face close to his. My tears covered him as I thought about his name. I knew I would never get to call out that name to this sweet little boy and see him come running. I would never go to the doctor and hear them say " Zion Sams ". I would never get to see his graduation or wedding invitation embossed with his beautiful name. I knew that only a tombstone would be marked publicly with his beautiful name, and I was devastated.
I shared my baby with the people in the birth room that day and they were forever changed. I gazed at their faces as they held him, and they did just as I had. They were screaming inside for this beautiful baby boy to just wake up. They were all broken ,but yet, they rejoiced at how fearfully and wonderfully made he was. He was perfect!
It wasn't long until I delivered my placenta and the birth was finally over. The doctor examined the umbilical cord and placenta and said they were both healthy and beautiful. He found no cause for the baby's death and said that having an autopsy performed was not recommended because it wouldn't reveal anything new. He also said that in most cases of stillbirth the cause is unknown. We agreed about not performing an autopsy, knowing that we wanted to have a funeral for our baby soon and that either way we could not have our son back.
After everyone in the room had held the baby, the nurse asked if she could take him and give him a bath. Following his bath, all of my family in the waiting room had a chance to see him and hold him if they desired. They were in amazement at this beautiful little boy with the crimson red lips. One even asked the nurse if we put lipstick on him because they were so beautiful and red. They saw our perfect little Zion just as we had, and they were changed forever.
Later the nurse arrived back with Zion all dressed in his hospital best. He smelt so good with his new baby smell. The nurse gave me a memory box with all of his hospital momentos. There was a card placed in the box that read that he was a perfect 7lbs. 9oz and was 20 inches long. There was also a petite little envelope that I opened to find a locket of his beautiful, black curly hair. I was so broken as I was reminded again that this baby would not go home with us, but only a little blue satin box full of hospital memories.
I sat in such amazement at this perfect baby that had grown inside of me and I praised God that He chose me to carry him.We had a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in to take pictures of Zion and she arrived about 4 hrs after his birth. I was so worried because I wasn't sure what he would look like when she came, but he was beautiful. She couldn't help but cry as she snapped each photograph that night. I'm sure her job is very difficult, however, I'm so thankful for her sacrificing a big part of herself and emotions to minister to hurting families just like us. On March 29, 2011 I was blessed with beautiful memories of Zion that I will forever cherish and I would like to share them with you today.
Zion Jeremiah Sams
"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God hath shined." Psalms 50:2
