After losing Zion, months went by with me experiencing horrible anxieties and fears. What was wrong with me? What horrible disease was I dying from? Why couldn't I have a live baby? Would I ever be a mother to a live baby again? I would look around at other women who seemed so unhealthy to me, yet, they were mothers to many children. I had tried to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and still, my baby died. In my heart I knew that God was truly sovereign and that what I was going through was beyond anything that I could control.
A time that I really felt out of control was the day that I found out I was expecting another baby just shortly after losing Zion. I had been exclusively pumping and donating my breast milk and my cycle had never returned. We were taking other precautionary measures as well, and I still somehow managed to become pregnant with Selah. I remember taking that test and thinking "There's NO way I could be pregnant", but God was totally sovereign and saw fit to bless us with another baby.
All my hopes of having a live baby were crushed when I went into the doctor' s office at 20 wks 4days only to find that my little ray of hope was gone. I had been having contractions all night and I was in labor.
I must say, there is nothing like hearing those gut wrenching words " I can't find a heartbeat." With anguish my response was "NO!!! Not again!!" I kept thinking of what went wrong. Why was my body failing me again?? I felt so out of control and helpless.
I went home to labor because I knew that soon enough we would be facing the four walls of that place I so dreaded to go again. Seeing that I was in labor, I knew that the baby more than likely had passed some days sooner and that my body was just naturally reacting. I was in fear that after arriving at the hospital that they would try to take my baby from me if the baby was not considered 20 weeks. I wanted to see my baby whole and as they were in my womb, not ripped from my body and broken into pieces.
After laboring at home all day we went to the hospital to deliver my sleeping baby. She was born very shortly after our arrival. So soon that Jeremy had to deliver her himself. Then, we finally met her! The first thing we noticed was that the cord was wrapped very tightly, more than once , around her neck. So tightly that that they didn't even bother to unwrap it from her tiny little neck. They just clipped the cord into two different sections so that she could be free. I won't lie, it was very disturbing to see my little Selah like that, knowing that I couldn't help her.
When the doctor finally arrived he examined her and he felt as if she had died from a cord accident. Then words so unforgettable to me rolled off his tongue. " You are as healthy as a horse and I can't find anything wrong. You just have "bad luck"! You're like one of those people whose house burns down and in the same day their dog gets run over." Really?? I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I couldn't believe that he was considering the loss of my children just an issue of "luck". I was puzzled and once again I was left to wonder was there truth in the doctor's words or was there something more. Was this "luck" or the sovereign will of God?
My midwife wasn't going to chalk it up to just my "bad luck". In her heart she felt there was more to my story. She mentioned to the doctor about having me tested for numerous genetic disorders including blood clotting and lupus. He was only considering the fact that he had done several panels of protocol blood testing that concluded that I was a seemingly very healthy young female. He felt that there was no way I could have a genetic disorder, because I have a live and healthy daughter. His ruling.........just "bad luck"!
8 more months went by after the loss of Selah and I wrestled with the thoughts of did I just have "bad luck", or was it my gut instinct that something was really wrong. At that point, I had been told by satan for over a year that I was dying of some horrible disease that was taking the lives of my children and that it would one day take my life as well. I had listened to it all long enough! Only being moved by the Lord, I finally put my so called "luck" to the test.
I faced my fear of what could be wrong and I went to my new doctor and told her I wanted to be tested for anything that could cause me to lose my children. After a thorough examination and several vials of blood later, she came back in to tell me her major concerns and ideas on what could possibly be wrong. She said that she felt just as my midwife did. I either had lupus, a blood clotting disorder, or a folic acid deficiency. I asked which was the best and worst to have out of all 3. She felt that the blood clotting disorder would be the most complicated to treat and the folic acid deficiency would be the easiest to treat. She had found that a large number of women that were otherwise healthy ,but continue to lose children, have the genetic folic acid disorder.
She told me that the office would give me a call back in about a week with my results. However, 6 days had passed and I was too antsy. I had to make a call to the doctor's office. I couldn't wait to know. I ask the nurse if she could give me my results over the phone and she did. She informed me that I had a thyroid disorder and that I needed to be evaluated more extensively by an endocrinologist. I was flabbergasted! I had no obvious symptoms of a thyroid disorder other than being unable to lose the baby weight. I just thought that the weight was from having 2 babies very close together. She then said stated that I needed to come back in and see the doctor for my other results. That way she could answer any of my questions that I might have. I scheduled an appointment right away and I don't think I slept a wink in those few days before that appointment. I knew in my heart that she had found something and I was very anxious and scared of what it could be!
When I arrived at the office I knew that my blood pressure was about to exceed my expectations!! Then they called my name I could feel the sweat rolling into my palms. The nurse escorted me into the exam room and I was told that the doctor would be in shortly. That was the longest 10 mins.ever!! When she entered the room she came in with the biggest smile on her face and said " Crystal.......I have good news for you!" She proceeded to give me her finding, that I in fact did have the genetic folic acid deficiency. She was overjoyed that it was the simplest to treat out of all the issues that I could've had. She said that it was known as the MTHFR genetic mutation which is a disorder that causes a major problem with my body's metabolism of folic acid. A low level of folic acid can cause so many problems with how our body functions and especially during pregnancy. With the MTHFR mutation your body processes less folate. Less folate leads to a buildup of homocysteine. Too much homocysteine has been linked to health problems like abnormal clotting, heart disease, strokes and pregnancy complications.
Another sad reality is that over 40% of Americans are walking around with this disorder and they don't even know it. It is not a test that is routine. It is a genetic test. She said I would've never known of it had my children not died, sending a reg flag that there was some sort of problem. It is not a normal protocol to test pregnant mothers until they have experienced 3 or more losses. However, I am so glad that someone was willing to help me to find some answers. It's just so sad that women have to endure such losses before some doctors will step in to check for issues they might have.
I cried when she proceeded to tell me that all that was needed was a high dosage of folic acid. I asked in amazement "So it's the lack of something so simple? Something that I could get off the shelf at Wal-mart is what caused me to lose my children?" She said she wasn't for sure with Selah because of the assumed cord accident, however, she felt that if she didn't die from that she surely did from the genetic disorder. She wanted me to understand that it wasn't just that simple. Folic acid plays a huge part in a healthy pregnancy and in any healthy adult. When we don't have a sufficient supply in our bodies it can cause major problems. She was so consoling when I was confronted with the fact that I had a problem and now I knew what it was. No more walking around wondering what it could be or even believing the excuse of it just being a case of "bad luck".
The doctor also informed me that I had a thyroid disorder called hypothyroidism. I have an underactive thyroid. I was somewhat familiar with this disorder considering that most of the females in my family have this same problem.. She assured me that the thyroid disorder was not the cause of the loss of my children, but that I needed to see an endocrinologist for my thyroid treatment.
I walked out of the office that day and sat in my car only to weep uncontrollably. I felt like I had just lost my babies all over again. I wept over all that I had just learned and I was trying to let it all sink in. I wept over the fact that it wasn't by chance or coincidence. That's hogwash! Through God's sovereignty I was shown that I had a problem that was beyond my control. It wasn't in something that I had or had not eaten or that I had a midwife for a care provider and was planning a home birth. It wasn't in some horrible sin that I had committed or that I didn't try to live the healthiest that I could and make the best choices for my baby. It wasn't even in my so called "bad luck".
Zion's name now had shown me it's true meaning. His name means sign or way marker. Through God ,that's surely what Zion has done in all of this. His death has become the way marker to reveal my problem so that I may warn my family and others about it. The knowledge of my disorder will now assist me in being a healthier wife and mother for my family. I know that just because I'm aware of a possible cause for the loss of my children that it doesn't guarantee that my unborn baby will live. Life is not measured by some diagnosis that we might receive, but only by the sovereign and master plan of God.
Please continue to pray that if it be God's will that I will hold my precious baby alive very soon. I feel so blessed that I can rest in a God that is in full and total control of my life's outcomes and that I will never have to depend on so called "luck" to steer which way life's journey will go. To God alone be the glory!
"Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me."
"Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure." Isaiah 46:9-10
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