There was no turning back and I knew it, no doubtin' it!! The contractions were moving swiftly and fiercely and I couldn't imagine having my baby in my womb much longer. While resting between contractions I was actually kinda bummed that this was the end. This was the day that I wouldn't have to dream anymore. I was going to meet my baby face to face very soon and I wasn't really afraid like I thought I would be. I imagined that I would be so fearful of my baby not being born alive that I would really have to cope through an anxiety attack just to give birth. God knew my frame and He placed a peace over me that passed all understanding.
From there on out the contractions were all over the place, but all of them remaining under 3.5 minutes. I had moved my belly dancing from the kitchen to the bathroom, where the finale would be. LOL! And Jeremy proceeded to try his hardest to get the tub filled in time. Keep in mind, our tub is HUGE!! It could fit four adults in it comfortably. Since living here we have only been in it a handful of times because it takes so much hot water to fill it up. I was literally praying the whole time because I desired a water birth so badly.
I got in as the tub was filling up just to rest a little after swaying my heart out. My mom, my mother-in-law, and my sweet cousin Angie arrived at around the same time and I was relieved to see their faces. There is just something about another woman there by your side while birthing. It's a beautiful thing to see and to feel. My mom was boiling water for the tub and Angie began trying to help, all while snapping a few pics. We laughed through the few seconds that it seemed I had been given in between contractions and then I became jittery and I wanted to get out of the tub. I felt cold so they got my favorite cozy plush robe to put on and that made life a little better. After a crazy fierce surge I mentioned to Angie that I would just die if everyone got here and I was like 4 cm dilated. Just DIE! Well......It wasn't seconds after making that silly statement that I began to hurl and get the shakes. I knew what that meant! I was in transition!!!!! I remember looking back at Angie like Rocky Balboa while wiping my face clean with a rag. With determination on my brow, I said "Nope....I'm in transition!" After getting through this stage, I knew the next step would be pushing my baby out. I remember questioning in my mind of how this could be happening so fast. Needless to say, Angie made another call to my midwives to see if they were nearby because things were progressing so fast.
I didn't know what was going on outside my bathroom doors, but the inside of those doors became my sanctuary. I needed silence. I couldn't stand the chattiness so everyone that was talking had to LEAVE my space. I thought that I would be able to get some relief by laboring with Jeremy in the shower, so in we went. I LOVE THAT MAN for 1,000 reasons!! He was so sweet and was steadily by my side no matter where I dragged him. I had a couple contractions before my midwives arrived. I remember them scuffling in with their supplies and asking how I was doing to my family of doulas. I let out a huge "Woooooooohoooooo!" I heard everyone's chuckles each time I did my verbalizations. I'm tellin' ya those were some fierce and potent contractions and that's all I knew to do!
Then, I saw the midwife coming at me with that dreaded thing! The thing I feared every time I had a prenatal appointment after losing Zion. The instrument that gives the verdict, in a sense. The heart rate doppler. Before I had much time to fear, she had already gotten a heart tone and said that the baby sounded great! I could actually feel the baby's body moving to make her entrance. It was so intimate between my sweet baby and me. I was telling her inwardly "We are here baby! I will hold you soon and I'll know your sweet face !"
After the few contractions in the shower I was getting antsy so we decided to make our way into the tub because I was feeling "pushy". As soon as my knees felt the bottom of the tub I buried my face in my pillow and pulled Jeremy close behind me. It was hard to stay focused through each contraction and I just had to give into the pain and let my body take over. I told my mom it was time to get Ellie, so she went and woke her. Ellie wanted to be present at the birth so badly. She had watched a gazillion birth videos so I felt assured that she would be fine seeing our baby being born. My little Ellie crept in the room with her swollen eyes, but it didn't take her long to realize what was about to happen..... a MIRACLE! I saw her excited face light up and I became more focused and was able to let go. Suddenly, my water broke!
I just kept saying how badly I wanted to hold my baby. I was emotional. I was broken. I was nostalgic. In that moment I didn't just want my baby that I was giving birth to, but I wanted my other two children there with me in that moment. I was wishing that I could've held them alive and experienced a beautiful and peaceful birth with them. I wanted them to be there in that moment, just like Ellie, as a Big Brother and Big Sister.
My heart grew in strength as I glanced at those bible verses all around me. They had been plastered on all four walls for 2.5 years. They all had the common theme: God will give strength to the weak. That was me.... weak and physically drained, yet I felt so empowered by His words. HE was there. I could feel His power and holiness fill the room. He was making way for His glory to be shown to us who had been eager to see it.
I pushed only a few times when I felt the babies head crowning. I tried so hard to wait patiently for the next push. When it came time, I delivered the rest of her body into the into her daddy's loving arms. The midwife untangled her chord and we brought our "water baby" out to breathe her first earthly breath. She was asleep!!! Our real sleeping beauty! Most of the ladies could see that it was a girl , but they were told not to announce the sex of the baby before we actually got to peek for ourselves. When I saw that it was a girl I smiled. I knew it! I knew she was my little girl that I had waited 9 plus long months to finally see face to face. I wouldn't let her go. I was crying , yet not many tears were shed. I was in shock and still trying to take it all in.
I couldn't believe it....sometimes I still can't believe it! I did it! I had a LIVE baby! My Baby Alive was alive indeed! I also had my healing home water birth that satan had told me so often would never happen. Everyone in that room finally took a deep sigh of relief. Their next breaths were used to rejoice and praise! They all had some great part in praying for and nurturing this little life that suddenly had breath, and a name. The name that I could say without imagining it chiseled on a tombstone. A miracle before their very eyes. They saw what faith could do, what HOPE felt like in their hands. We all felt victory!! We all felt joy!! We all knew who we were in those moments under the sovereignty of a great.. big.... God, the Creator and giver of every life.
My placenta didn't take long to be delivered and I was so ready to get out of the tub. I couldn't wait to lay in my own bed with my new little family. Ahhh.... the pleasures of home birth! No one took my baby from me other than to get out of the tub and to weigh her. It really was as peaceful as I had envisioned. She was so bright eyed and beautiful. It was determined that she was 41 weeks 2days. I knew when I first held her that I had held a baby that felt so similar. She was 7lb 9oz, 20 inches long, exactly the same as her big brother Zion. It was bittersweet.
When I put her to my breast to feed I sobbed inwardly, only for it to quickly come seeping outwardly. We all had another moment. My midwife came to my bedside, pulled us into herself, and we all wept together. She had been with Jeremy and I on this hard journey. She knew the pain of great loss herself. She tearfully exclaimed "You did it!" She was proud. She was elated that God given us the desires of our hearts.
As the sun rose that Father's Day morning, I was amazed at what the Father had given to me, to our family. New life. Beauty for ashes. So many dreams were fulfilled. So many prayers had been answered. That day marked a true spiritual victory in my life!
I was relieved that I could finally stop chasing my Rainbow from that moment on because I was holding her in all her radiant beauty.
Never stop chasing your Rainbow!
* There were some intimate details concerning Evaelia's birth that I have chosen to keep just that, intimate. However, as my granny would say ''I squeezed the juice out for ya''.
