The Homebirth of Our Rainbow Baby

After a whole year... I finally finished Evaelia's Birth Story and video!! It was such an emotional process for me! We are so thankful for the love and support of such great friends and family over these last 3 years. Each prayer has carried us through so many obstacles and trials during that time. We love each and every one of you and we are so thankful for your part in the life of our Rainbow Baby! 

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Chasing a Rainbow: Evaelia's Birth Story-Part 3

There was no turning back and I knew it, no doubtin' it!! The contractions were moving swiftly and fiercely and I couldn't imagine having my baby in my womb much longer. While resting between contractions I was actually kinda bummed that this was the end. This was the day that I wouldn't have to dream anymore. I was going to meet my baby face to face very soon and I wasn't really afraid like I thought I would be. I imagined that I would be so fearful of my baby not being born alive that I would really have to cope through an anxiety attack just to give birth. God knew my frame and He placed a peace over me that passed all understanding.

From there on out the contractions were all over the place, but all of them remaining under 3.5 minutes.  I had moved my belly dancing from the kitchen to the bathroom, where the finale would be. LOL!  And Jeremy proceeded to try his hardest to get the tub filled in time. Keep in mind, our tub is HUGE!! It could fit four adults in it comfortably.  Since living here we have only been in it a handful of times because it takes so much hot water to fill it up. I was literally praying the whole time because I desired a water birth so badly.

I got in as the tub was filling up just to rest a little after swaying my heart out. My mom, my mother-in-law, and my sweet cousin Angie arrived at around the same time and I was relieved to see their faces. There is just something about another woman there by your side while birthing. It's a beautiful thing to see and to feel. My mom was boiling water for the tub and Angie began trying to help, all while snapping a few pics. We laughed through the few seconds that it seemed I had been given in between contractions and then I became jittery and I wanted to get out of the tub. I felt cold so they got my favorite cozy plush robe to put on and that made life a little better.  After a crazy fierce surge I mentioned to Angie that I would just die if everyone got here and I was like 4 cm dilated. Just DIE!  Well......It wasn't seconds after making that silly statement that I began to hurl and get the shakes. I knew what that meant! I was in transition!!!!! I remember looking back at Angie like Rocky Balboa while wiping my face clean with a rag.  With determination on my brow, I said "Nope....I'm in transition!" After getting through this stage, I knew the next step would be pushing my baby out. I remember questioning in my mind of how this could be happening so fast. Needless to say, Angie made another call to my midwives to see if they were  nearby because things were progressing so fast.

I didn't know what was going on outside my bathroom doors, but the inside of those doors became my sanctuary.  I needed silence. I couldn't stand the chattiness so everyone that was talking had to LEAVE my space.  I thought that I would be able to get some relief by laboring with Jeremy in the shower, so in we went. I LOVE THAT MAN for 1,000 reasons!! He was so sweet and was steadily by my side no matter where I dragged him. I had a couple contractions before my midwives arrived. I remember them scuffling in with their supplies and asking how I was doing to my family of doulas. I let out a huge "Woooooooohoooooo!" I heard everyone's chuckles each time I did my verbalizations. I'm tellin' ya those were some fierce and potent contractions and that's all I  knew to do!

Then, I saw the midwife coming at me with that dreaded thing! The thing I feared every time I had a prenatal appointment after losing Zion. The instrument that gives the verdict, in a sense. The heart rate doppler.   Before I had much time to fear, she had already gotten a heart tone and said that the baby sounded great! I could actually feel the baby's body moving to make her entrance. It was so intimate between my sweet baby and me. I was telling her inwardly "We are here baby! I will hold you soon and I'll know your sweet face !"

After the few contractions in the shower I was getting antsy so we decided to make our way into the tub because I was feeling  "pushy".  As soon as my knees felt the bottom of  the tub I buried my face in my pillow and pulled Jeremy close behind me. It was hard to stay focused through each contraction and I just had to give into the pain and let my body take over. I told my mom it was time to get Ellie, so she went and woke her. Ellie wanted to be present at the birth so badly. She had watched a gazillion birth videos so I felt assured that she would be fine seeing our baby being born. My little Ellie crept in the room with her swollen eyes, but it didn't take her long to realize what was about to happen..... a MIRACLE! I saw her excited face light up and  I became more focused and was able to let go. Suddenly, my water broke!

I just kept saying how badly I wanted to hold my baby. I was emotional. I was broken. I was nostalgic. In that moment I didn't just want my baby that I was giving birth to, but I wanted my other two children there with me in that moment. I was wishing that I could've held them alive and experienced a beautiful and peaceful birth with them. I wanted them to be there in that moment, just like Ellie, as a Big Brother and Big Sister.

My heart grew in strength as I glanced at those bible verses all around me. They had been plastered on all four walls for 2.5 years. They all had the common theme: God will give strength to the weak. That was me.... weak and physically drained, yet I felt so empowered by His words. HE was there. I could feel His power and holiness fill the room. He was making way for His glory to be shown to us who had been eager to see it.

I pushed only a few times when I felt the babies head crowning. I tried so hard to wait patiently for the next push.  When it came time, I delivered the rest of her body into the into her daddy's loving arms. The midwife untangled her chord and we brought our "water baby" out to breathe her first earthly breath. She was asleep!!! Our real sleeping beauty!  Most of the ladies could see that it was a girl , but they were  told not to announce the sex of the baby before we actually got to peek for ourselves. When I saw that it was a girl I smiled. I knew it! I knew she was my little girl that I had waited 9 plus long months to finally see face to face. I wouldn't let her go. I was crying , yet not many tears were shed. I was in shock and still trying to take it all in.

I couldn't believe it....sometimes I still can't believe it! I did it! I had a LIVE baby! My Baby Alive was alive indeed!  I also had my healing home water birth that satan had told me so often would never happen. Everyone in that room finally took a deep sigh of relief. Their next breaths were used to rejoice and praise! They all had some great part in praying for and nurturing this little life that suddenly had breath, and a name. The name that I could say without imagining it chiseled on a tombstone. A miracle before their very eyes. They saw what faith could do, what HOPE felt like in their hands. We all felt victory!! We all felt joy!! We all knew who we were in those moments under the sovereignty of a great.. big.... God, the Creator and giver of every life.

My placenta didn't take long to be delivered and I was so ready to get out of the tub. I couldn't wait to lay in my own bed with my new little family. Ahhh.... the pleasures of home birth! No one took my baby from me other than to get out of the tub and to weigh her. It really was as peaceful as I had envisioned. She was so bright eyed and beautiful. It was determined that she was 41 weeks 2days. I knew when I first held her that I had held a baby that felt so similar. She was 7lb 9oz, 20 inches long, exactly the same as her big brother Zion. It was bittersweet.

When I put her to my breast to feed I sobbed inwardly, only for it to quickly come seeping outwardly. We all had another moment. My midwife came to my bedside, pulled us into herself, and we all wept together.  She had been with Jeremy and I on this hard journey. She knew the pain of great loss herself. She tearfully exclaimed "You did it!"  She was proud. She was elated that God given us the desires of our hearts.

As the sun rose that Father's Day morning, I was amazed at what the Father had given to me, to our family. New life. Beauty for ashes. So many dreams were fulfilled. So many prayers had been answered. That day marked a true spiritual victory in my life!

I was relieved that I could finally stop chasing my Rainbow from that moment on because I was holding her in all her radiant beauty.

Never stop chasing your Rainbow!

 

  * There were some intimate details concerning Evaelia's birth that I have chosen to keep just that, intimate. However, as my granny would say ''I squeezed the juice out for ya''.

Chasing a Rainbow : Evaelia's Birth Story - Part 2

For a recap read  Part 1 of Evaelia's Birth Story

I couldn't believe the end was closing in on this part of my journey with my precious baby wrapped in my womb. I had all sorts of emotions flooding my brain....even doubt. Even in such pain I doubted that this was really it. I couldn't fathom that after all the waiting that I would be holding my baby in a matter of hours.

Like I said, the contractions had gotten further apart after I ceased pumping. They went from 3 mins. apart back to 10 -14 min. apart and to start with, I was bummed, but to my surprise, they still came back fiercely and consistently! At first, I mentioned to Jeremy that this could be it and  I went on about my business, going through several contractions by myself. Praise the Lord we had put Ellie to bed so I could really relax and focus on my labor while I finished getting  things ready for the birth. A couple hours went by and around 11:30 pm. I called my cousin Angie, who is like my sister and  knows all the details of my life. We chatted while I was bouncing away on my birth ball. I was so chill and I calmly told her her how things were going. Knowing my history of  labors, I  chuckled and  said that it would probably be a while, but she thought very differently. She chuckled right back and said it would be sooner than I thought because she could hear it my voice. I guess I just didn't want to get my hopes up! However, by then, the contractions were consistently around 10 min. apart so I nonchalantly told her I'll would call her back later with any updates.

 12:00 am came and the contractions' strength had escalated immensely! They had went directly from 10 min.to around 8 min.apart, and they were potent! To all mothers who have been given the hellish drug pitocin without pain meds, you know what I mean when I say that the pain felt like I was at 7 cm with pitocin!! I kept thinking " Whew... how can it hurt this bad so early in the game?"  It was becoming so intense and at a rapid rate!  I  anxiously waddled into the living room where Jeremy  was and I smiled as I said " Honey..... if  I don't have a baby soon I will be the most surprised momma ever!"  He quickly perked up and I could see the anxiousness in his eyes!  Immediately he mentioned calling the midwife back to inform her of the progress made. She suggested trying to rest and if  the contractions picked up anymore to call her back.

During this time satan tried to flood my mind with all kinds of  fears. He attempted to make me rethink my home birth desires and tell  me that the baby wouldn't make it to me alive. I remember crying out to Jeremy in between the surges and asking him if he thought I would have a live baby. This being the same question that he had been asked at least 1,000 times since Zion's death.  He was so faithful to smile every time and remind me that I would deliver and hold a live baby very soon! I was a basket full of emotions, to say the least! Nonetheless, I'm thankful that the Lord over came every one of satan's attempts.  He caused my sweet baby to move and kick just in time to reassure me that she was still with me and that HE alone was in control of  life! And surely, the crazy course of contractions didn't give me much time to ponder on all the what ifs either!

Jeremy had to really help me through the contractions that followed. When I think back, it was so sweet how we worked through the early contractions all to the way to the last one, together.  I would scream out "Jeremy.....  I need you!" and he would come running to my side to scoop me up in his arms.  Every time I would heave all my weight upon him and it looked as if I was like a limp corpse he was embracing in his arms. We swayed and danced through each surge. When each one was over he would smile with such love and compassion, and I felt safe. He was so sympathetic toward me while seeing me in such pain, however, we still were able to laugh and enjoy each other.  Some of my fondest memories of the birth were the times when we were laughing through some of the hardest contractions as I shouted out cracks like " Oh ....it's coming out my butt!!" and " Hep me Jesus .... Hep me!!"  Oh....I love that man of mine with all my heart!! There is no one else I would rather laugh through the pain with!

For the next  2 hours we swayed, laughed, and cried together while timing each contraction. They had swiftly went  from  7 min. to 3 min. apart,  without much warning. Although I  had been through this 3 times before, labor had never progressed so quickly! At 2 am, after a really intense contraction, there was a crescendo in my voice as I urgently said to Jeremy " I need water.... and I need my midwife NOW!!" His countenance immediately changed and he fumbled as he grabbed the phone to call the midwife. I still remember hearing his voice shake as he made the call requesting her immediate assistance. In my mind I just didn't know if  the baby would wait until she arrived, seeing it would take her 1 hr to get here.

Stay tuned for Part 3 including some photos of the labor and birth !

The Marks of a Mother

I have the marks of a mother of  four and I proudly wear them these days. When I look at my big rounded belly with marks engraved on it I am reminded that I have carried four lives within my very own. Some of those  journeys have been long and some have been short. Some of them filled with their share of joy and sorrows, but all of them filled with much love.

The first thing I thought about when I saw this picture was "Oh..... look at my big round belly ........and my stretch marks! I love them!" I know that sounds crazy! When we were shooting these pictures I asked my ever sweet photographer if I could have a pic with my naked belly. I get one every time I'm pregnant and each one is cherished. I am proud of my big bare bump! It displays that I am growing a life....a little person inside of me, and that in itself is a beautiful privilege .

A lot of women are embarrassed by their badges or "marks" of life and they often seek diligently to find remedies to erase the sight of them.  However, I choose to embrace the marks of a mother because they are a reminder to me of how God has chosen to give women, one like me,  the privilege of carrying one of his precious gifts into the world. Each belly with its marks displays a life that has been shaped by God and stretched in all sorts of directions to be delivered to an expected end. Everyone's life is shaped and pulled in such similar ways in that we all go through so many journeys in our life. Each one having its own ups and downs. Pregnancy is much the same way as we go through different stages.

There are times when we're sick and we hurt with pain, times when we glow with happiness and health, and times when we are anxious and we just want it over so we can hold our babies safely in our arms. Each stage bringing us to an expected end.

The pregnancy may be over but the marks of a mother still remain. What a reminder of how God has blessed us with miracles of life and how He has brought us safe thus far. He gives us these marks of a mother upon our bodies that may fade with time but are never truly erased.

I have so many marks of a mother that I am privileged to bear. Some I wear on my body ,some I wear on my heart. However, each mark is one that has shaped my life into the beautiful role of a mother.

A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. 

One for every time you sucked your thumb,waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. 

One for every time you had the hiccups. 

One for every dream you dreamed within me.

It isn't very pretty anymore, some may even think its ugly. 

Thats OK. 

It was YOUR home. 

Its where I first grew to love you, 

Where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. 

It held you until my arms could

And for that, I will always find something beautiful in it! 

AUTHOR  UNKNOWN

Expired

"Estimated" Due Dates, also known as EDDs, sometimes frustrate me when taken to the extreme. They are "guess dates" really. They are meant to be used as an estimation date and not as an expiration date. I guess I get personally frustrated because I am one who seems to have her babies 3 days past her estimated due dates, and sometimes that gets held against me. When my son Zion died at 2 days post due date and I delivered at 3 days post due date, I had several say to me "Why did you go past your due date? Why didn't you get induced and he might've/would've lived? " or "Why didn't you go in when you felt the first pain?" They felt, or still feel,  that because my son went 2 days past this estimation that surely his death could've been prevented by,  in their terms, going in and letting them  "take" my baby. After all, inductions being performed on, just days prior to, or post due date for no health reason, are very common occurrences now. However, I feel that it is really unfair to assume that my son's death could've been prevented had it not been for 3 days .

I went through this same thing with Ellie. I went to the dr. on my due date and by the end of the appointment they had already scheduled my induction. I was terrified when the consultation was over. I was told that if I didn't have my baby over the weekend then I would be brought in at the first of the week for an induction. Thank you Jesus!  I did go into labor and didn't have to be induced! She was born 3 days after her "estimated due date".

People are constantly asking when my due date is, and I'll admit, I am very hesitant to reveal it a lot of times. I know people are excited and they want to see me hold a new and live baby just as I do. They have good intentions, however, after my experience with Zion and his due date, I don't want anyone putting pressure on me or instilling any type of  fear into my pregnancy.

I am trying to have a pregnancy that is peaceful and full of trusting in the Lord, and it's hard, especially with outside influences. I do believe that the Lord is in FULL and TOTAL control of my baby's arrival  and that gives me peace. I know there are mother's that have lost babies that feel they need an induction or cesarean to make them feel less anxiety and it gives them a sense of peace.  I would NEVER hold that against them. Nevertheless, I don't feel that I should feel pressured or feel like I am neglecting the welfare of my child if I choose not to do either of those after the loss of my children. I have had way more than one person suggest a cesarean birth to ensure that my baby will live.

I am sorry, if God, the author of life,  means for your baby to live then they will, no matter the type of birth you experience. Every man, woman, boy or girl has their appointment with death ,and ultimately God.(Heb. 9:27) If  life is truly in our hands then we become God and we have no need of Him. I don't like the idea of women feeling bullied or scared into doing something unnecessary because of others' fears. I see this happen so often with my doula clients and I can't tell you how frustrating it is.

I do feel that we should make wise, careful, and prayerfully thought out decisions about anything regarding our children. I also feel that there are times and instances for interventions such as inductions or cesareans. At this point there is no reason for me to have any interventions because it has been noted by my doctor and my midwives that I am currently experiencing a normal and very healthy pregnancy. That is not to say that something might occur in mine or the baby's health in the remainder of my pregnancy. If so,  then yes, I would feel the need to have an intervention at that time. I do plan on waiting on the Lord to send my baby when it's the perfect time so be patient with us.  : )

Sorry to be so transparent,and the Lord knows that I don't want to offend or hurt anyone, but I'm already feeling the pressure as my " due date" is just around the corner. I am definitely in the home stretch ,so to speak, and the anticipation is growing.

I ask that everyone reading this blog ,as well as their friends and loved ones, to pray for us as Baby Sams and I finish out this part of  our journey together. Pray that it will be one of peace and not fear. One of  truly trusting in our Sovereign Lord and His control in our lives. Pray for others that just might not know what to say to loss mothers like myself, and as a result, do more damage than good, when they honestly mean well. Pray that the Lord would fill their mouths with  the right words to say or bridle their tongues when their silence would be better heard.

As I write this I am in tears thinking of  how good God has been. He's given me such caring and supportive people that I love and call my friends. Your prayers, and the prayers of so many others that I don't even know, have meant so much! I have felt them as God has given me so much grace and peace to actually enjoy this pregnancy, when I thought it would be impossible for me to ever feel peace in a pregnancy again. I also pray that if it be God's will that I will hold this baby alive very soon and that I will be able to share him/her with everyone and that we may honor God with our rejoicing over all that He has done. He is worthy! To God alone be the glory!

 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" Jeremiah 29:11

The Lives That I Will Carry

There are several precious lives that I have carried throughout this journey called motherhood. It's been a blessing to know that God has chosen me to be called their mommy. But today has been a day when tears, grief , and joy have flooded this soul of mine. I'm dearly missing my Zion & Selah and I remember what they have given me. My most prized gift they've given me has been a more intimate relationship with One that they now see face to face.

At the end of this month we will celebrate Zion's birthday. I can't believe it will be 2 yrs since I met him and I saw his face for the first time. Then, Selah's due date will  follow just a few days later. All that being said, I'm sure this month  will be full of emotions for me.

 I have joy and my life is sweet when I think of them and how they make my life beautiful.  I am privileged to say that I know for sure that I will see them again, never to be separated anymore. What joy I'll have on that day when I finally get to see them smile for the first time and hear the words I've longed to hear, "I love you Mommy!"

It's such a blessing to be a mother and to know the love of child. I have been blessed to carry babies in my womb, in my arms, and in my heart wherever I go. Each life being very precious in itself .  Only the Lord knows how many lives I will carry on this journey called motherhood.  However, I know that there are two lives that will have to be carried in my heart and in my memory until our glad reunion day. Thank God for that blessed Hope in Jesus!

I have no sad story to claim, but only one filled with  the blessings of a loving and merciful God that has carried me and has been faithful to keep His promises! To God alone be the glory!

*A video that I made as part of a grief  project this past year in memory of  Zion & Selah.*

What Hope Looks Like

Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or the act of  looking forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence. Have you ever pictured what Hope looks like? In my mind, it can look like so many things. However, right now in my life, this is my picture of  Hope. It's the precious picture of  our little baby Sams due this June. Speaking from a mother's perspective, it's one of the most heart warming feelings to see your own unborn child alive and look forward to the day when you will get to hold them safely in your arms. Something that I've desired for quite some time now.

I know the feeling of  hopelessness and depths of it's despair. However, I'm  also well acquainted with it's opposite, and I'm now in a state of  Hopefulness. It's a true hope and desire of my heart to have a live baby placed in my arms one day. Greater still, I hope for so much more than that. Most of all, I  look  forward to seeing the glory that God will receive, regardless of the outcome for me or my family. It's a struggle in this human flesh to be hopeful of things that may or may not benefit us. However, I feel that it should be our desire to want  God's will to be fulfilled and His glory revealed, no matter the cost.

This thought reminds me of  the day when my heart was pierced with the words of one of Ellie's prayers. It was a few days after Zion died and we were so heartbroken, including little Ellie. Her heart was so crushed as she cried out to God in her prayer. Then those words that have forever changed me came ringing from her tiny lips. She cried "God we really miss our baby Zion........ but God.....we still love You!" It broke my heart to hear her love and devotion overwhelm her pain, when, at the time, my view of God seemed so foggy. She was so hurt, yet, even she knew that her only Hope was in God. Out of the mouth of babes right?

So here I sit....writing this and thinking that same thought. I really miss Zion and Selah.....but God...I still love You! I want, and dearly hope for a live and healthy baby, but if not God, I still love You! In this life I've  come to the realization that He's the only reason I have been given so much Hope.  And in knowing that, I can truly rejoice! This life is so precious and I want it to be filled with so much  joy in Him alone, not only in my desires being filled.  I pray that we may all place our hope and confidence in the only One that is worthy of our trust.

 God has blessed me with this precious baby to be a reminder of the Hope that is within me. I thank the Lord that by our sweet baby's pictures we have been given a  glimpse of what Hope looks like.

 "And now, Lord, what wait I for? My hope is in thee."  Psalms 39:7