Expired

"Estimated" Due Dates, also known as EDDs, sometimes frustrate me when taken to the extreme. They are "guess dates" really. They are meant to be used as an estimation date and not as an expiration date. I guess I get personally frustrated because I am one who seems to have her babies 3 days past her estimated due dates, and sometimes that gets held against me. When my son Zion died at 2 days post due date and I delivered at 3 days post due date, I had several say to me "Why did you go past your due date? Why didn't you get induced and he might've/would've lived? " or "Why didn't you go in when you felt the first pain?" They felt, or still feel,  that because my son went 2 days past this estimation that surely his death could've been prevented by,  in their terms, going in and letting them  "take" my baby. After all, inductions being performed on, just days prior to, or post due date for no health reason, are very common occurrences now. However, I feel that it is really unfair to assume that my son's death could've been prevented had it not been for 3 days .

I went through this same thing with Ellie. I went to the dr. on my due date and by the end of the appointment they had already scheduled my induction. I was terrified when the consultation was over. I was told that if I didn't have my baby over the weekend then I would be brought in at the first of the week for an induction. Thank you Jesus!  I did go into labor and didn't have to be induced! She was born 3 days after her "estimated due date".

People are constantly asking when my due date is, and I'll admit, I am very hesitant to reveal it a lot of times. I know people are excited and they want to see me hold a new and live baby just as I do. They have good intentions, however, after my experience with Zion and his due date, I don't want anyone putting pressure on me or instilling any type of  fear into my pregnancy.

I am trying to have a pregnancy that is peaceful and full of trusting in the Lord, and it's hard, especially with outside influences. I do believe that the Lord is in FULL and TOTAL control of my baby's arrival  and that gives me peace. I know there are mother's that have lost babies that feel they need an induction or cesarean to make them feel less anxiety and it gives them a sense of peace.  I would NEVER hold that against them. Nevertheless, I don't feel that I should feel pressured or feel like I am neglecting the welfare of my child if I choose not to do either of those after the loss of my children. I have had way more than one person suggest a cesarean birth to ensure that my baby will live.

I am sorry, if God, the author of life,  means for your baby to live then they will, no matter the type of birth you experience. Every man, woman, boy or girl has their appointment with death ,and ultimately God.(Heb. 9:27) If  life is truly in our hands then we become God and we have no need of Him. I don't like the idea of women feeling bullied or scared into doing something unnecessary because of others' fears. I see this happen so often with my doula clients and I can't tell you how frustrating it is.

I do feel that we should make wise, careful, and prayerfully thought out decisions about anything regarding our children. I also feel that there are times and instances for interventions such as inductions or cesareans. At this point there is no reason for me to have any interventions because it has been noted by my doctor and my midwives that I am currently experiencing a normal and very healthy pregnancy. That is not to say that something might occur in mine or the baby's health in the remainder of my pregnancy. If so,  then yes, I would feel the need to have an intervention at that time. I do plan on waiting on the Lord to send my baby when it's the perfect time so be patient with us.  : )

Sorry to be so transparent,and the Lord knows that I don't want to offend or hurt anyone, but I'm already feeling the pressure as my " due date" is just around the corner. I am definitely in the home stretch ,so to speak, and the anticipation is growing.

I ask that everyone reading this blog ,as well as their friends and loved ones, to pray for us as Baby Sams and I finish out this part of  our journey together. Pray that it will be one of peace and not fear. One of  truly trusting in our Sovereign Lord and His control in our lives. Pray for others that just might not know what to say to loss mothers like myself, and as a result, do more damage than good, when they honestly mean well. Pray that the Lord would fill their mouths with  the right words to say or bridle their tongues when their silence would be better heard.

As I write this I am in tears thinking of  how good God has been. He's given me such caring and supportive people that I love and call my friends. Your prayers, and the prayers of so many others that I don't even know, have meant so much! I have felt them as God has given me so much grace and peace to actually enjoy this pregnancy, when I thought it would be impossible for me to ever feel peace in a pregnancy again. I also pray that if it be God's will that I will hold this baby alive very soon and that I will be able to share him/her with everyone and that we may honor God with our rejoicing over all that He has done. He is worthy! To God alone be the glory!

 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" Jeremiah 29:11

Loud Moments of Silence

How could I ever forget the morning of March 28th, 2011? I had laid awake most of the night in excitement for my new baby to come. It was often my morning routine to sit down at the computer, with a cold glass of  orange juice, and skim over the events of the day.  It wasn't long until I felt it coming. The baby had a wind up to their kicks so there was always a little warning. Then, I saw it and I felt it! The first kick of the day, and my thought was, "There's my baby!" I can still pin point that place on my stomach anytime I've looked at it since that morning, and I  remember my baby.

The rest of my day was spent in anticipation, to say the least. I did a  LOT of walking! Anything I could think of that would help with my labor was in the forefront of my mind. I was so happy that I thought that not even lil' slewfoot himself could've have taken my joy away. I remember everything about that day as if I had just experienced it. We spent time walking the aisles of  Walmart, and of course, my favorite store.....Hobby Lobby! I distinctly remember several people asking me that day "When are you due?" I would chuckle and say "Ummm... 2 days ago!" It felt so good to say those words knowing that I was so much closer to meeting my precious baby.

On our way home we decided to fill my hankering for Chinese food. So we made a quick pit stop, then to the house to rest. My mom had been tidying up the house and watching Ellie while we were out doing, what granny calls " galavantin' ". Well, I ate my Chinese and it never had tasted so good! The remainder of  the afternoon I spent resting comfortably on the couch. I sat there a good while when it dawned on me....."My baby hasn't moved in a while!" I kept sitting there thinking it quietly while going crazy inside. I tried to tell myself that I had been so busy that I just didn't feel it or the baby had little to no room. I couldn't take it anymore! So I stood up and tried to put myself together as I mentioned to Jeremy and my mom that I hadn't felt the baby move in quite some time. They insisted, just as I did, that my baby was just wrapped tightly in my stomach and that I had been so busy that day that I just didn't realize the movements. Tears filled my eyes and I had that "mama knows" feeling. You know, that internal instinct that the Lord gives us.

I tried to remain calm as Jeremy instructed me to call the midwife and I did. She said that the baby was probably just fine, but she would come over and check just to see how things were going. When she arrived around 7:30 I remember her coming in with a bright and beautiful smile. She was excited to see if I had progressed at all. I remember lying down on the bed that night. It wasn't comfortable at all and it seemed so awkward. She said she wanted to take a listen and check on the baby. When the doppler came on my heart began to beat out of my chest as she placed it on my stomach. Have you ever heard silence that seemed loud?? Well, it did that night! I kept saying "Is something wrong with the baby?"  She continued to search for a heartbeat with the doppler and said it was probably her battery, so she changed it. Then again, nothing! She screamed for Jeremy to run to the store and get another battery for the doppler.

When  I saw his face it was so pitiful and helpless. However, he quickly ran to the store to get another battery and she pulled out her feta-scope to try and listen, but only silence. Jeremy's trip seemed like it took an eternity. While he was gone, Ellie had stepped in to comfort me. She was my little doula. She kept saying "Mommy you're gonna be just fine", while she rubbed my head softly and continued to kiss me all over my face. My mama knew that I was afraid and I kept telling her "Mama, something's wrong with my baby!" She was afraid too because she knew her own baby and she had that same mother's instinct.

When Jeremy arrived back with the battery we couldn't get it in fast enough. Then, I heard it..... that dreaded silence again. I started screaming " Jeremy, something's wrong with the baby!!!" I was uncontrollable. I knew when I saw my midwife's face that it wasn't good. She wanted to call the doctor and  go in for an ultrasound. So she made her call.. After she spoke with the doctor she suggested drinking a big glass of caffeine and maybe the baby would move. Then, she even had me go outside the house and jog a little, in hopes to stir the baby up a bit. The whole time I was running I was crying and begging  "God please help my baby! This can't be happening!"

Again, she checked for a heartbeat, but nothing, only silence. We rushed to the emergency room that night and it took a while to even get admitted. Walking to that labor room was one of the hardest things I ever did. I felt like I couldn't lift my feet to put them one in front of the other. As we were arriving to the delivery suite, I remember walking through that door. The nurses at the desk took one look at my face and they knew, I was "the one". They slowly walked me down the hall as if it were routine for them. Everyone was silent and grief was waiting.

The nurse escorted me in the room and up on the bed. Then the dreaded  doppler was placed on my stomach. I knew if we heard silence this time the reason could not be the battery, and I was afraid. Nothing but static rang through the room. She initialized an ultrasound and continued to try to find life on the screen. I couldn't look at the screen in fear of seeing something I didn't want to see. I kept saying "Is my baby ok?" and she wouldn't answer. She just kept digging. However, what came out of her mouth next still haunts me to this day. "Hon, your baby is dead." I still remember the wails that I made in that moment. I'm sure it was disturbing to the laboring mothers in the surrounding rooms, but I was just coldly told that my baby was dead. I really don't think that my reaction of  total despair would've been any different even if her words were different that night , however, I believe that my memories of that night would've been.

My doctor came in to check the status of the baby for himself. He was so compassionate and confirmed the nurses diagnosis. He asked could he check my dilation and I consented. As soon as he started the examination my water broke and gushed everywhere. He said I was 3cm and said they would induce labor. I begged him not to take my baby from me and he assured me that he wouldn't, because it wasn't best for me. He said that I was a healthy mother and that it would be better for me to have the baby as natural as possible.

The nurse then escorted me to the bathroom where she assisted me in taking off my clothes and helped me get a gown on. I was crying out to God so loudly "Why God? Why did my baby have to die?" My mind was raging with questions of "What did I do wrong? What did I eat or where did I go that caused my baby to die? What horrible sin did I commit?" Then the nurse quickly tried to silence my squalls by saying " Honey, God has nothing to do with this!" I continued with my pleas as she repeated herself again. In anger, I told her "My God is in control of everything!" I was traumatized , and then to have this nurse to try and quieten me. When evidently, what she needed was help in the compassion and bridle your tongue department!!

As I walked out of the bathroom door I looked at Jeremy's and my midwife's face. They tried to smile, but instead they looked so depressed and  helpless. I slowly made my way to the bed and I remember thinking  to myself,   "I won't leave this room with a baby this time." I was so devastated and I felt like I had let everyone down because I was supposed to protect the baby, and I didn't. When the doctor came back in the room he held my hand and told me how the process of delivering my baby would be. As he finished I looked at him, totally broken, and I said " Please... just let me die. I just need to die right now." You could tell he felt pity and he whispered to me that he couldn't do that for me. I'm being honest when I say that I really wanted to die in that moment in my life. I felt totally hopeless and a big part of me was dead all ready.  I just wished all the pain could be over and I could be out of my misery. I felt like I could never go on and live without my baby. My dreams were all broken as I thought of all the things I would never get to have or experience with this baby. The silence I heard never seemed so loud.

 Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence.Psalms 94:17

Part 2 of the story is found here:  The Perfection of Beauty: The Day We Met Zion

Expecting: A look back at March 26, 2011

Saturday March 26th 2011

I had waited 9 long months to meet the new little person growing inside of me. The due date was March 26th 2011. I woke up that morning the same as I had the day before, but only this day I had more anticipation that this could be the day!!!  I went shopping and walking anywhere I could find with lively scenery. And of course the much expected "nesting" was a part of the great things I did that day to prepare for my baby. Going over my due date wasn't a big surprise, considering I'm known to cook my babies a little over. I had Ellie 3 days past my "guess date". I just wanted things to happen naturally and on their own time.

That morning I checked in with the midwife and told her how I was feeling and that nothing had changed much, just more excitement. The baby was still very active considering the 1cm of space they had left to move inside my overstretched bump they had carved out for so long.

My mom came over that day to help get all the baby clothes tidied, the baby room cleaned, and my room prepared for the birth. We made sure that we had every thing that was needed to have a peaceful and cozy birth, something I had dreamed of  for a long time. We hadn't decorated the baby room yet, considering the baby's gender was going to be a surprise. However, I had some pretty strong feelings it was a boy. So I had all ready bought a comforter that just screamed "cute baby boy". I don't know, I just had that feeling the day we took our first pregnancy test with this baby.   I did the same with Ellie. I'm 3 outta 3 by the way, working on 4 ! ;) We'll see!

The "cute baby boy"comforter.

My husband, Jeremy, had typed out some of our favorite bible verses to post on the bathroom walls to give me courage and remind me of the strength of God  I would have when I was weak. Those verses, all weathered and worn, still hang on my  bathroom walls today to remind me of God's strength when  I'm weak, as I have been so many days since then.

I  kept a journal for Zion just as I did with Ellie.These are the last thoughts that I jotted down before I got to meet Zion.

March, 25, 2011:

One day before your due date! I have been so anxious thinking you would come early, but you haven't yet.  Guess you'll be like your big sissy and keep mommy & daddy waiting! We thought you would come on Sat. the 19th because of the Super Moon( the closest to Earth in 18yrs.) but no baby. We even took our mattress out on the porch and slept for a while with Ellie and.........No baby! I did have lots of practice contractions that were 9 mins. apart though, but they stopped. All the rest of the week I continued to have contractions on/off but they quit last night! Whenever you come I know it will be in God's perfect timing! I love you! Hurry into my arms.
Love,
Mommy

So there I was, on my due date, knowing that in just a matter of hours, or maybe a few short days, I would meet my baby. I was "expecting" my miracle. 

My Life As A Doula

 What is a doula?

 The word "doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves" and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth. Postpartum Doulas provide in-home services to families, typically lasting from three weeks to three months, or longer with special circumstances. Some doulas combine the birth and postpartum roles, thereby offering continuity of care throughout the childbearing year. A Baby Loss Doula  serves the mother and family experiencing the death of a baby during pregnancy or soon after birth. The Doula's goal is to provide ongoing physical, emotional, and informational support to the family during and after their time of  loss.

The first time I heard of a doula I was giving tours at HP Regional Hospital for expectant parents. It wasn't unusual to have large groups of expectant parents come through my tours on any one night. However, on that  night I only had two women to escort down the hospital halls. I assumed that the relationship between the two were mother and daughter, but I wasn't sure, so I asked. The younger lady replied "No, this is my doula." Doula??? I had never heard of one before. So instead of me answering all of their questions, I had quite a few of my own. The doula tried her best to educate me within the short time we had with each other.  I had an immediate connection with both of the ladies. I would say it was a divine appointment! At the end of our conversation the doula told me why she was needed so badly to serve this young woman. My ears were peeled back and my heart was open! The young girl had quite a sad, but not uncommon story. Her boyfriend had moved her to this area from Rhode Island against her family's wishes. As a result of this decision, her parents and family had disowned her. Sadly enough, when she became pregnant her boyfriend kicked her out and she was living with strangers. So, there she was,  pregnant ,and felt all alone with no where to turn. She knew that the birth of her baby was something special that she wanted to share with someone that cared. So she found a doula.

That night, I went home,  walked in the door with tears in my eyes and a big smile on my face, and anxiously told Jeremy I had found my calling! He was like "Who? What? When? Where?" I spent the next couple hours being excited over something I knew so little about. All I knew was that God has placed these women in my path to show me His calling, and I was excited! The role fit me perfectly, seeing how I've always loved to serve and encourage women. I was on the breast feeding support team at the hospital, and I love birth! It was so easy to envision myself as a doula. So immediately, the studying, research, and training to become a doula began.

I have been a birth & postpartum doula for about 3 and 1/2 years now and it has been such a blessing in my life. I have thoroughly enjoyed serving others and supporting their births. Since my losses, seeing the miracle of birth has never amazed me so much. I rejoice with those that rejoice and I mourn with those that mourn . I am a doula.

I pray that I can serve families and assist them in having a blessed birth experience. I also pray that I can minister to those who are alone, hurting, or suffering from great loss so that I may be a testimony of the love of Christ.

"I have showed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive." Acts 20:35

The Lives That I Will Carry

There are several precious lives that I have carried throughout this journey called motherhood. It's been a blessing to know that God has chosen me to be called their mommy. But today has been a day when tears, grief , and joy have flooded this soul of mine. I'm dearly missing my Zion & Selah and I remember what they have given me. My most prized gift they've given me has been a more intimate relationship with One that they now see face to face.

At the end of this month we will celebrate Zion's birthday. I can't believe it will be 2 yrs since I met him and I saw his face for the first time. Then, Selah's due date will  follow just a few days later. All that being said, I'm sure this month  will be full of emotions for me.

 I have joy and my life is sweet when I think of them and how they make my life beautiful.  I am privileged to say that I know for sure that I will see them again, never to be separated anymore. What joy I'll have on that day when I finally get to see them smile for the first time and hear the words I've longed to hear, "I love you Mommy!"

It's such a blessing to be a mother and to know the love of child. I have been blessed to carry babies in my womb, in my arms, and in my heart wherever I go. Each life being very precious in itself .  Only the Lord knows how many lives I will carry on this journey called motherhood.  However, I know that there are two lives that will have to be carried in my heart and in my memory until our glad reunion day. Thank God for that blessed Hope in Jesus!

I have no sad story to claim, but only one filled with  the blessings of a loving and merciful God that has carried me and has been faithful to keep His promises! To God alone be the glory!

*A video that I made as part of a grief  project this past year in memory of  Zion & Selah.*

What Hope Looks Like

Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or the act of  looking forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence. Have you ever pictured what Hope looks like? In my mind, it can look like so many things. However, right now in my life, this is my picture of  Hope. It's the precious picture of  our little baby Sams due this June. Speaking from a mother's perspective, it's one of the most heart warming feelings to see your own unborn child alive and look forward to the day when you will get to hold them safely in your arms. Something that I've desired for quite some time now.

I know the feeling of  hopelessness and depths of it's despair. However, I'm  also well acquainted with it's opposite, and I'm now in a state of  Hopefulness. It's a true hope and desire of my heart to have a live baby placed in my arms one day. Greater still, I hope for so much more than that. Most of all, I  look  forward to seeing the glory that God will receive, regardless of the outcome for me or my family. It's a struggle in this human flesh to be hopeful of things that may or may not benefit us. However, I feel that it should be our desire to want  God's will to be fulfilled and His glory revealed, no matter the cost.

This thought reminds me of  the day when my heart was pierced with the words of one of Ellie's prayers. It was a few days after Zion died and we were so heartbroken, including little Ellie. Her heart was so crushed as she cried out to God in her prayer. Then those words that have forever changed me came ringing from her tiny lips. She cried "God we really miss our baby Zion........ but God.....we still love You!" It broke my heart to hear her love and devotion overwhelm her pain, when, at the time, my view of God seemed so foggy. She was so hurt, yet, even she knew that her only Hope was in God. Out of the mouth of babes right?

So here I sit....writing this and thinking that same thought. I really miss Zion and Selah.....but God...I still love You! I want, and dearly hope for a live and healthy baby, but if not God, I still love You! In this life I've  come to the realization that He's the only reason I have been given so much Hope.  And in knowing that, I can truly rejoice! This life is so precious and I want it to be filled with so much  joy in Him alone, not only in my desires being filled.  I pray that we may all place our hope and confidence in the only One that is worthy of our trust.

 God has blessed me with this precious baby to be a reminder of the Hope that is within me. I thank the Lord that by our sweet baby's pictures we have been given a  glimpse of what Hope looks like.

 "And now, Lord, what wait I for? My hope is in thee."  Psalms 39:7

Standing Still

As some of you may know,  this blog has been a work in progress for over a year and a half now. After losing Zion I had thoughts of  starting a blog to share my daily thoughts and feelings, but  never got motivated to actually accomplish the task. Waking up with positive thoughts of daily living seemed unimaginable some days. So, the farthest  I ever got was a backdrop that Jeremy had created, and a title that I felt was fitting for what had just happened in our lives. My beautiful Zion had just been born still. The title "Standing Still" came quickly after remembering a verse that God had placed on our hearts after losing him. "Stand still and consider the wondrous works of God" Job 37:14. 

It's not difficult to see His marvelous works when we're still . Standing still is all I was really capable of doing. I felt like I couldn't take too many steps forward for the fear of what might happen. And I surely didn't want to look back for the fear of going through it all over again. Therefore, all I knew to do was stand still and try my best to think only of the presentness of God and how the scripture says that He is our refuge and strength , a very  present  help in trouble (Psalm. 46:1).  I realized that no matter how great and supportive my friends and family were, no one else could bring me out of those deep and dark feelings of my grief.

Little did I know,  that 5 months after the loss of Zion I would find out that I was unexpectedly, very pregnant with Selah. Her due date was the day we buried Zion. The moment I realized I was pregnant, I immediately felt the fear of  losing my baby again. Unfortunately, that fear came to fruition the day I went into labor with my little sleeping beauty Selah at 20wks 4days. Again, another precious life born still and placed in my arms. We were heartbroken, but at the same time, we found joy.  We had another name picked for my sweet Selah but when we saw how fearfully and wonderfully made she was, we knew that name was surely not fitting for her. We gave her the name Selah, meaning to pause and praise, or in a parallel thought, to stand still and consider the wondrous works of God. And that's what we did. We took that time to worship in our hearts and thank God that He had given us the blessing of being in His presence and for giving us that precious time with our baby. We were in awe at how He had designed each one of her tiny fingers and toes and had given her something from the both of us, another one of His wondrous works.


God has been so faithful to lead us safely down this road of healing that we've been on for almost 2 yrs now. It's been a time of much suffering, but yet so much more joy! One recent joy being that we have hope of  having another live baby very soon. We realize that a live baby may not be His will, however, we trust that His will is perfect and that He is always working all things for our good.  So for now, we must  stand still and trust in His ultimate plan for us. Please pray for us as we continue on this journey of healing and hope, that we may live out our desire to bring glory and honor to the Lord in all that we do. May we see His wonderful works in our stillness! To God alone be the glory! 

"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." Psa.46:10

The Quickening

What a beautiful, yet nerve racking sight, to see those two pink lines on the indicator stick.  Life is known and dreams begin the moment its positive results are viewed. As many of you know, after suffering two losses I am now expecting again in June. I'll be honest, at first, I was in complete shock... so much in shock that I took 13 tests in the matter of  2 weeks. We hadn't planned on being pregnant again anytime soon.  I often refer to my pregnancies, especially the last 2 , as God tricking me. He's sneaky sneaky!! No really, His time is not always ours and my pregnancies just prove to me that no matter what we do, He is ultimately in total, and sovereign control.

After seeing my doctor and having my first ultrasound, I found out that I have an anterior placenta. My placenta is on the front (or anterior) side of my uterus, with the baby behind it. This means it may be harder to see the baby on the ultrasound, hear the baby, or feel the baby's movements. She said she hated it for me that I was one to have this after my losses, but that there should be no complications. As the weeks have went by, every appointment has been nothing but good news! The major fear I had was that my baby would never move. This happened with Selah. All I ever felt from her were faint squirms and slow movements. I never felt a kick to assure me that she was alive and I feared the same with this baby. I thought back in the mid teens of my pregnancy that I felt little dashes of movement, but I wasn't for sure that this was the baby and not simply digestion. However, all those fears were relinquished back a couple of weeks ago when  I felt the "quickening". In pregnancy terms, quickening is the moment in pregnancy when the mother starts to feel or perceive fetal movements in the uterus. I was confident that it was my baby, and that he/she was very much ALIVE. I have rejoiced over the days that have followed that one special day. Every kick reminds me of how my baby is with me at this very moment, and that it should be cherished. There is also a spiritual side to this quickening.  Every time my baby  moves I am reminded of how the Lord has "quickened" me. To quicken means to come to life or to be made alive. The Lord did this to my dead soul the very moment He saved me and rescued me from despair. I was so lifeless and hopeless without Him. He caused my dead spirit to come alive and continues to restore that life daily. I praise the Lord for His sovereignty in every aspect of my life, especially my salvation. I'm thankful that only He has the power to quicken the lifeless. To God alone be the glory!

 "Plead my cause, and deliver me: quicken me according to thy word." Psalms 119:154