Expired

"Estimated" Due Dates, also known as EDDs, sometimes frustrate me when taken to the extreme. They are "guess dates" really. They are meant to be used as an estimation date and not as an expiration date. I guess I get personally frustrated because I am one who seems to have her babies 3 days past her estimated due dates, and sometimes that gets held against me. When my son Zion died at 2 days post due date and I delivered at 3 days post due date, I had several say to me "Why did you go past your due date? Why didn't you get induced and he might've/would've lived? " or "Why didn't you go in when you felt the first pain?" They felt, or still feel,  that because my son went 2 days past this estimation that surely his death could've been prevented by,  in their terms, going in and letting them  "take" my baby. After all, inductions being performed on, just days prior to, or post due date for no health reason, are very common occurrences now. However, I feel that it is really unfair to assume that my son's death could've been prevented had it not been for 3 days .

I went through this same thing with Ellie. I went to the dr. on my due date and by the end of the appointment they had already scheduled my induction. I was terrified when the consultation was over. I was told that if I didn't have my baby over the weekend then I would be brought in at the first of the week for an induction. Thank you Jesus!  I did go into labor and didn't have to be induced! She was born 3 days after her "estimated due date".

People are constantly asking when my due date is, and I'll admit, I am very hesitant to reveal it a lot of times. I know people are excited and they want to see me hold a new and live baby just as I do. They have good intentions, however, after my experience with Zion and his due date, I don't want anyone putting pressure on me or instilling any type of  fear into my pregnancy.

I am trying to have a pregnancy that is peaceful and full of trusting in the Lord, and it's hard, especially with outside influences. I do believe that the Lord is in FULL and TOTAL control of my baby's arrival  and that gives me peace. I know there are mother's that have lost babies that feel they need an induction or cesarean to make them feel less anxiety and it gives them a sense of peace.  I would NEVER hold that against them. Nevertheless, I don't feel that I should feel pressured or feel like I am neglecting the welfare of my child if I choose not to do either of those after the loss of my children. I have had way more than one person suggest a cesarean birth to ensure that my baby will live.

I am sorry, if God, the author of life,  means for your baby to live then they will, no matter the type of birth you experience. Every man, woman, boy or girl has their appointment with death ,and ultimately God.(Heb. 9:27) If  life is truly in our hands then we become God and we have no need of Him. I don't like the idea of women feeling bullied or scared into doing something unnecessary because of others' fears. I see this happen so often with my doula clients and I can't tell you how frustrating it is.

I do feel that we should make wise, careful, and prayerfully thought out decisions about anything regarding our children. I also feel that there are times and instances for interventions such as inductions or cesareans. At this point there is no reason for me to have any interventions because it has been noted by my doctor and my midwives that I am currently experiencing a normal and very healthy pregnancy. That is not to say that something might occur in mine or the baby's health in the remainder of my pregnancy. If so,  then yes, I would feel the need to have an intervention at that time. I do plan on waiting on the Lord to send my baby when it's the perfect time so be patient with us.  : )

Sorry to be so transparent,and the Lord knows that I don't want to offend or hurt anyone, but I'm already feeling the pressure as my " due date" is just around the corner. I am definitely in the home stretch ,so to speak, and the anticipation is growing.

I ask that everyone reading this blog ,as well as their friends and loved ones, to pray for us as Baby Sams and I finish out this part of  our journey together. Pray that it will be one of peace and not fear. One of  truly trusting in our Sovereign Lord and His control in our lives. Pray for others that just might not know what to say to loss mothers like myself, and as a result, do more damage than good, when they honestly mean well. Pray that the Lord would fill their mouths with  the right words to say or bridle their tongues when their silence would be better heard.

As I write this I am in tears thinking of  how good God has been. He's given me such caring and supportive people that I love and call my friends. Your prayers, and the prayers of so many others that I don't even know, have meant so much! I have felt them as God has given me so much grace and peace to actually enjoy this pregnancy, when I thought it would be impossible for me to ever feel peace in a pregnancy again. I also pray that if it be God's will that I will hold this baby alive very soon and that I will be able to share him/her with everyone and that we may honor God with our rejoicing over all that He has done. He is worthy! To God alone be the glory!

 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" Jeremiah 29:11

Trusting In The God Of The Present: Part 3

My God of the present was right there where He said He would be all along. The scripture says that He is a present help in our time of trouble. The problem was that because I didn't know about the future or what it held that I couldn't fully trust and peacefully rest in the present. Mary & Martha had that same problem. All they knew was that their brother was dead at the present time. They were broken and felt despair that they would never see their brother alive again.

I will have to say that on a positive note,  when Mary & Martha. made their petition to Jesus they were straight forward. They said "Lord whom thou lovest is sick." They didn't ramble on about what the problem was and how He needed to fix it. We do that a lot of times. We will say God , here is our request and here's how You need to fix it. Jesus did fix their problem by raising their brother Lazarus from the grave, however , He did it in His timing and by His own will.

What did Jesus think about their anxiety and fear? " Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled. " (John 11:32-33) It said that He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. In the Greek "groaned" has a negative connotation here. It means to be upset and to rebuke. He groaned again later in the chapter. This is speaking of the Jews:" And some of them said, Could not this man, which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not have died?  Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a stone lay upon it" (John 11:37-38) So, no doubt here Jesus was not pleased with their anxieties, fears, or doubt.

Is that meaning that it is wrong to grieve or mourn? No, in Ecclesiastes it says that there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Nevertheless, when it blinds you from the truth of who God is and causes anxieties and fears, then yes, it is wrong. Like I said, I have struggled, and at times, still struggle with this in my daily walk. There were times I would fear over the silly things and almost drive myself crazy. My view of God was definitely clouded and I couldn't see through the fog to see the truth. When our view of God is skewed, like Mary's & Martha's was, then we make our anxieties worse.

I dealt with this a little this morning. I had a horrible dream last night , like I often do, that I lost my baby. When I woke up this morning that horrible thought was already on my mind and satan ran with it. And of course my baby had to be snuggly warm inside and fast asleep. They weren't  willing to budge an inch. I started to dwell on the reality that the worst "could" happen again. I felt defeated and powerless for a few moments. My humanistic mind just about took control and it was heeding to satan's snares. Then the Lord stepped in and proved His control over the whole situation. Satan's power was abolished and my fears were relinquished! My baby instantly came to life!! I literally jumped from my seat and started praising the Lord! He did it again!! He proved Himself once again! He IS my God of the PRESENT!! I want to praise the Lord for loving me even when I am doubtful and I fear! I pray that I may grow more in grace and knowledge of Him so that I may better trust in Him as my God of the Present!!

Trusting In The God Of The Present: Part 2

Secondly, Mary & Martha were troubled with:

 2. Distance-  Martha said "Lord if you would have been "here" my brother would have not died". They thought Jesus had to be present to heal him. Martha, being that woman of action, was in her own way accusatory. She was troubled because she knew that the Lord had healed others from a distance, like He did the Centurion's servant, but He didn't do the same for someone that He said He loved. These will be hard words for some people, but sometimes sickness is designed for the glory of God. (John 11:.4) Sin is not always the cause of sickness like some may believe. Look at the apostle Paul. God never healed him and although his infirmity was never cured Paul was a much stronger Christian and apostle for God's service. God received more glory from Paul's illness than He would have from his health .

It's the same with us. Suffering often produces a stronger servant. I can attest to that myself. I feel that because of my suffering I have a closer relationship with the Lord, and I'm grateful. It seems that now, after going through the trials, that I have realized who my God really is and I can truly say " Even if". Even if the Lord chooses for me not to hold this baby alive. Even if I get Cancer or some horrible sickness or disease. Even if I lose my precious family members to death or I go financially bankrupt, I know that I will be sustained by Him .  My assurance in the Lord is all because of the trials that I have been through.  He has proven Himself to me time and time again and that's why I have so much confidence in my future with Him. I am not a victim, but a true victor because of Him.

 Thirdly, Mary & Martha were troubled with:

3. Disbelief - I feel this is the major part of the lesson here. Mary & Martha had a shallow understanding of who He was. Martha believed He was a God of the past when she said " If you would have been here He would not have died."  She also believed He was a God of the future when she said in Vs. 24( speaking of Lazarus) " I know he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day." She believed He would be the resurrection. What about a present God?

The Lord proved He was a God of the PRESENT with His response to Martha in Vs. 25. He said " I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live." So in that statement He was saying to her " I am the God of the present! "  Martha's disbelief  and anxiety was for the present time. She said that he was dead and he stinks. All hope seemed lost.

Remember Jesus saying in Vs. 15 that He was glad that He wasn't there to heal Lazarus so that they would believe. His absence allowed Lazarus to die so that He could perform the miracle of resurrection and increase the faith of  Mary, Martha, and His disciples. They needed to have faith in Jesus' ability to give life because they would soon see their beloved Savior hanging on a cross. They would need to have true confidence in their faith to believe He had power over death!

Death! Sickness! These have been real anxieties of mine and I am sure the anxieties of so many others as well. I was so scared that I was going to lose my only living child to some horrible accident or sickness. Another big fear I had was leaving her motherless from me dying of some horrible disease like Cancer. Death, no matter the time, is a shocker! Especially experiencing the sudden death of someone you love. There is no preparation and you are immediately sent into a total collaboration of numbness, fear , and shock.

I saw the frailty of life the day Zion died and it was reaffirmed the day that I found out that Selah had died also . In my fear I was scared to death of death itself . Not that I wasn't assured of my salvation, but that I didn't want the pain or sting of death anymore. Death and I had become well acquainted. Death was scary, it seemed hopeless, and it literally hurt! However, the Bible tells us that  Christians need not fear death. No one will ever die one second too soon or too late.

Hbr 9:27           "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment. " - We ALL have a specific appointment.


1Sa 2:6           "The LORD killeth, and maketh alive: he bringeth down to the grave, and bringeth up."

So the Lord is in control of every breath. We seem to find this easier to believe, or even digest, when it is an old saint , however, when it's a child we feel very different. It's disturbing for some to think of  God's control in that. Is God only in control of old people dying and He loses the reigns when babies or young people die? Does He step down from His holy throne at times and at other times have His hands tied to our will or circumstances in our life.  No, I believe that God  is Sovereign in everything or in nothing at all.

This concept was one I struggled with myself when Zion and Selah died. My first thoughts were those of "What did I do wrong that took my baby's life?" If I had only not done this or if I would have just done that. My family were quick to point out all the things I should've done so he /she could've lived and still to this day those comments hurt. The what ifs broke me at the time and ultimately placed fear and doubt in my clear view. I started to see with a more humanistic view and I lost my understanding of the truth of who God was.

I knew from my experience that He was a God of the past.  And I knew from the Bible that He would be my God of the future.  But where was my God of the present?

*Stay tuned for the last part of the post

Trusting In The God Of The Present: Part 1

The supreme purpose of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. However, one of the greatest obstacles to fulfilling that purpose is anxiety and fear. Anxiety is inner turmoil, distress or fear. Unfortunately, some of us all are all too well acquainted with fear and anxiety.

What does the bible say about anxiety?
"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." Phil. 4:6
The word careful here means anxious. So be anxious for nothing! Sometimes in our brain it is easier said than done.

"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?" Matthew 6:25.

"Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?"  Matthew 6:27
Fearing and having anxiety is pointless and robs us of precious time in our life. Who can add or take away one second from their life when a holy and sovereign Lord is in control?

There are so many instances throughout the scripture where men feared and had their own anxieties. One instance being the story of  Mary, Martha,  and their brother Lazarus in John 11. Mary was the younger sister often seen as the more spiritual one and also known as a woman filled with emotion and femininity. She was the sister that sat at Jesus feet and worshiped Him.  Martha on the other hand was the eldest of the sisters and she was definitely a  woman of service,  a homemaker, that was full of hospitality. She was the one who welcomed Jesus into her home just days before.

We find that Mary & Martha had sent for Jesus because their brother was deathly sick. They said "Lord whom thou lovest is sick!" When Jesus heard of the sickness He said " This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby."(John 11:4) Scripture also tells us that Jesus waited two more days after their plea and remained right where He was, in a place beyond Jordan.

His disciples continued to question Jesus because He wasn't in a hurry. They thought that Lazarus must not be that bad off  because of what seemed like Jesus' lack of concern. Then look at Jesus' response in 14 & 15 . "Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead.  And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, to the intent ye may believe; nevertheless let us go unto him." Then Jesus continues on His journey toward Bethany. At His arrival we know that Lazarus had been dead 4 days already. What was the sisters' response when Jesus arrived? Martha ran to Jesus and said "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." Mary had the same response as she fell at his feet. No doubt these sisters were troubled and full of anxiety because the Master did not make it in time to heal their brother that they so dearly loved.

The sisters were troubled with three main things.

1. Delay-   Why did Jesus delay so long before going to Lazarus?
Verse 5 affirms that Jesus loved the three siblings dearly. That should reassure us of Jesus' love in spite of his two- day delay. You might say that's an odd or strange kind of love that would wait to go heal someone he loved when He was surely capable of the task. However , His delay did not mean that He didn't love Lazarus. Can you imagine love on the basis of time? Verse 6 tells us that it was a delay of love not a delay of time.Jesus knew the delay would make His love more real and would bring more glory to God. That's why He waited until Lazarus was dead. Four days kind of dead!  It's more glorious to raise an impossibility than to just fix some little problem we might have.

How often do we worry because God doesn't  immediately come to the rescue? He often makes us wait as well before His love can really become visible to us. I dealt with this myself right after I lost my son Zion. I felt like I was trying to serve God and my anxiety would not go away. It seemed to even grow at times and new anxieties were added daily.  In my eyes I truly felt like a victim. I kept dwelling on the thoughts that Satan had fed me. Ones where I would literally die from the pain and I would never be able to get past my grief to live a normal life. It wasn't until I finally started listening to the voice of truth and God's word that I could move a step forward from my crippling anxiety. That came from my husband and some great friends and family members continually ministering  and guiding me in the way of  truth and reminding me of God's promises.

It seems as Christians sometimes we feel that God's only way for us is easy and without pain, suffering, or struggles.. However, that is clearly contrary to scripture. Suffering is always for a purpose. It is so that we may know Him (Phl 3:10) and that His glory might be revealed to us.

"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.  To Him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11

Testing My Luck

Throughout my Christian life I have struggled  like so many others  with the sovereignty of God.  Are things by chance or by design...... by luck or by the sovereign plan and will of God. Is He really in total control?  That question has been tested often throughout my life, but surely tested the most in these last couple years. Each time the question being answered with  a steadfast YES! Yes, He is in total and complete control of everything. Although my life seemed to be out of  control at times,  its reigns were surely in the hands of an all powerful God.

After losing Zion,  months went by with me experiencing horrible anxieties and fears. What was wrong with me? What horrible disease was I dying from? Why couldn't I have a live baby?  Would I ever be a mother to a live baby again? I would look around at other women who seemed so unhealthy to me, yet, they were  mothers to many children. I had tried to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and still, my baby died. In my heart I knew that God was truly sovereign and that what I  was going through was beyond anything that I could control.

A time that I really felt out of control was the day that  I found out I was expecting another baby just shortly after losing Zion.  I had been exclusively pumping and donating my breast milk and my cycle had never returned. We were taking other precautionary measures as well, and  I still somehow managed to become pregnant with Selah.  I remember taking that test and thinking "There's NO way I could be pregnant", but God was totally sovereign and saw fit to bless us with another baby.

All my hopes of having a live baby were crushed when I went into the doctor' s office at 20 wks 4days only to find that my little ray of hope was gone. I had been having contractions all night and  I was in labor.

I must say, there is nothing like hearing those gut wrenching words " I can't find a heartbeat." With anguish my response was "NO!!!  Not again!!"  I kept thinking of what went wrong. Why was my body failing me again??  I felt so out of control and helpless.

 I went home to labor because I knew that soon enough  we would be facing the four walls of that place I so dreaded to go again. Seeing that I was in labor, I knew that the baby more than likely had passed some days sooner and that my body was just naturally reacting. I was in fear that after arriving at the hospital that they would try to take my baby from me if the baby was not considered 20 weeks. I wanted to see my baby whole and as they were in my womb, not ripped from my body and broken into pieces.

After laboring at home all day we went to the hospital to deliver my sleeping baby. She was born very shortly after our arrival. So soon that Jeremy had to deliver her himself.  Then, we finally met her! The first thing we noticed was that the cord was wrapped very tightly, more than once , around her neck. So tightly that that they didn't even bother to unwrap it from her tiny little neck. They just clipped the cord into two different sections so that she could be free. I won't lie, it was very disturbing to see my little Selah like that, knowing that I couldn't help her.

When the doctor finally arrived he examined her and he felt as if she had died from a cord accident. Then words so unforgettable to me rolled off his tongue. " You are as healthy as a horse and I can't find anything wrong. You just have "bad luck"! You're like one of those people whose house burns down and in the same day their dog gets run over." Really?? I couldn't believe what I was hearing!  I couldn't believe that he was considering the loss of my children just an issue of "luck". I was puzzled and once again I was left to wonder was there truth in the doctor's words or was there something more. Was this "luck" or the sovereign will of God?

My midwife wasn't going to chalk it up to just my "bad luck".  In her heart she felt there was more to my story. She mentioned to the doctor about having me tested for numerous genetic disorders including blood clotting and  lupus.  He was only considering the fact that he had done several panels of protocol blood testing that concluded that I was a seemingly very healthy young female. He felt  that there was no way I could have a genetic disorder, because I have a live and healthy daughter. His ruling.........just "bad luck"!

8 more months went by after the loss of Selah and  I wrestled with  the thoughts of did I just have "bad luck", or was it my gut instinct that something was really wrong. At that point, I had been told by satan for over a year that I was dying of some horrible disease that was taking the lives of my children and that it would one day take my  life as well.  I had listened to it all long enough! Only being moved by the Lord, I finally put my so called "luck" to the test.

I faced my fear of  what could be wrong and I went to my new doctor and told her I wanted to be tested for anything that could cause me to lose my children. After a thorough examination and several vials of blood later, she came back in to tell me her major concerns and ideas on what could possibly be wrong. She said that she felt  just as my midwife did. I either had lupus, a blood clotting disorder, or a folic acid deficiency. I asked which  was the best and worst to have out of all 3. She felt that the blood clotting disorder would be the most complicated to treat and the folic acid deficiency would be the easiest to treat. She had found that a large number of women that were otherwise healthy ,but continue to lose children, have the genetic folic acid disorder.

She told me that the office would give me a call back in about a week with my results. However, 6 days had passed and I was too antsy. I had to make a call to the doctor's office.  I couldn't wait to know.   I ask the nurse if she could give me my results over the phone and she did. She  informed me that I had a thyroid disorder and that I needed to be evaluated more extensively by an endocrinologist. I was flabbergasted! I had no obvious symptoms of a thyroid disorder other than being unable to lose the baby weight. I just thought that the weight was from having 2 babies very close together. She then said stated that I needed to come back in and see the doctor for my other results. That way she could answer any of my questions that I might have. I scheduled an appointment right away and  I don't think I slept a wink in  those few days before that appointment. I knew in my heart that she had found something and  I was very anxious and scared of what it could be!

When I arrived at the office I knew that my blood pressure was about to exceed my expectations!! Then they called my name I could feel the sweat rolling into my palms. The nurse escorted me into the exam room and I was told that the doctor would be in shortly. That was the longest 10 mins.ever!! When she entered the room she came in with the biggest smile on her face and said " Crystal.......I have good news for you!" She proceeded to give me her finding, that I in fact did have the genetic folic acid deficiency.  She was overjoyed that it was the simplest to treat out of all the issues that I could've had. She said that it was known as the MTHFR genetic mutation which is a disorder that causes a major problem with my body's metabolism of folic acid. A low level of  folic acid can cause so many problems with how our body functions and especially during pregnancy.  With the MTHFR mutation your body processes less folate. Less folate leads to a buildup of homocysteine. Too much homocysteine has been linked to health problems like abnormal clotting, heart disease, strokes and  pregnancy complications.

Another sad reality is that over 40% of Americans are walking around with this disorder and they don't even know it. It is not a test that is routine. It is a genetic test. She said I would've never  known of it had my children  not died, sending a reg flag that there was some sort of problem.  It is not a normal protocol to test pregnant mothers until  they have experienced  3 or more losses. However, I am so glad that someone was willing to help me to find some answers. It's just so sad that women have to endure such losses before some doctors will step in to check for issues they might have.

I cried when she  proceeded to tell me that all that was needed was a  high dosage of  folic acid.  I asked in amazement "So it's the lack of something so simple? Something that I could get off the shelf at Wal-mart is what caused me to lose my children?" She said she wasn't for sure with Selah because of the assumed cord accident, however, she felt that if she didn't die from that she surely did from the genetic disorder. She wanted me to understand that it wasn't just that simple. Folic acid plays a huge part in a healthy pregnancy and  in any healthy adult. When we don't have a sufficient supply in our bodies it can cause major problems. She was so consoling when  I was confronted with the fact that I had a problem and now I knew what it was. No more walking around wondering what it could be or even believing  the excuse of it just being  a case of "bad luck".

The doctor also informed me that I had a thyroid disorder called hypothyroidism. I have an underactive thyroid. I was somewhat familiar with this disorder considering that most of the females in my family have this same problem.. She assured me that the thyroid disorder  was not the cause of the loss of my children, but that I needed to see an endocrinologist for my thyroid treatment.

I walked out of  the office that day and sat in my car only to weep uncontrollably.  I felt like I had just lost my babies all over again. I wept over all that I had just learned and I was trying to let it all sink in. I wept over the fact that it wasn't by chance or coincidence. That's  hogwash! Through God's sovereignty I was shown that I had a problem that was beyond my control. It wasn't in something that I had or had not eaten  or that I had a midwife for a care provider and was planning a home birth.  It wasn't in some horrible sin that I had committed or that I didn't try to live the healthiest that I could and make the best choices for my baby. It wasn't even in my so called  "bad luck".

Zion's name now had shown me it's true meaning. His name means sign or way marker. Through God ,that's surely what Zion has done in all of this. His death has become the way marker to reveal my problem so that I  may warn my family and others about it. The knowledge of my disorder will now assist me in being a healthier wife and mother for my family. I know that just because I'm aware of a possible cause for the loss of my children that it doesn't guarantee that my unborn baby will live. Life is not measured by some  diagnosis that we might receive, but only by the sovereign and master plan of God.

Please continue to pray that if it be God's will that I will hold my precious baby alive very soon.  I feel so blessed that I can rest in a God that is in full and total control of my life's outcomes and that I will never have to depend on so called "luck" to steer which way life's journey will go.  To God alone be the glory!


"Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me."

"Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure." Isaiah 46:9-10

Facing Your Fears

Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. It's also an emotion that I have been closely acquainted with over the last 2 years. For some time, after each loss, I feared so many different things in my life. One big fear was that I would never know happiness and true joy again. I remember that I often said to Jeremy  "Will I ever truly smile again?" I couldn't imagine going on without my son and daughter and  not having to fake a smile while I longed for them to be here with us. At times, I was engulfed by my anxieties and satan had me convinced that I would literally die from the pain of my grief. I was so scared for night to come because that's when I feared the most. I would even make long trips to Walmart in the wee hours of the night/morning just so I could see life stirring around me. I dreaded to pillow my head at night in true fear of dying and leaving my sweet Ellie motherless. These fears were so crippling at times, and I know in my heart that I have lost precious moments with my family and those that needed me. However, my fears had such a strong hold on my life that I couldn't see past them to see their devastating effects.

Another one of my biggest fears, and one that so many of us struggle with, are the "what ifs".  We feel out of control not knowing the outcome of things. I'll admit, it's more like a burden to worry about the thought that this life could be taken away from us at any moment. I will also say, that being pregnant after loss is not easy, by no means, but extremely faith testing. Every pain and twinge makes my mind wonder, "what if this could be the day that I lose my unborn child". I'm human, and I don't always hear the voice of Truth ringing in my ear. Sometimes my fears and anxieties seem to speak louder at times, and unfortunately, I listen. I remember one of the last times that I met with my dear midwife. She was trying to console me as I feared for her to check for the heartbeat of my baby. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, showing true empathy after she herself had suffered multiple losses. She said to me "You must replace your fear with faith! Fear will never change anything for the good. It will only take from those things that are most precious to you." What wise and heartfelt words from someone who understood and had felt my fears and pains just like my own.

Needless to say, I still have my fears at times. However, I am learning to face them one day at a time. It's time for faith to replace them. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Heb11:1). So it's time to walk by faith and not by sight and not by things I can't control. I don't know the future of my unborn child, but I do know the One who controls his/her future. I also don't want to be afraid of my own future and not live out the joyous life that I have in Christ. I want to do like the song writer says "If the life that we've been given is made beautiful in the living. And the joy that we get brings joy to the heart of the Giver. I wanna live like there's no tomorrow and love like I'm on borrowed time. It's good to be alive!" Life is too precious of a gift to waste on the fear of  living it!

Tomorrow, I have an ultrasound for my sweet baby and I pray that all goes well. However, I don't want to be afraid of God's will whatever it may be. That's a hard thing to say because the thought of what His will might be can be scary at times. It might hurt and cause suffering, but we need to see it in the light of whatever it takes to bring Him glory and praise.

I pray that I can enjoy my sweet unborn baby. I want to cherish each day that I have with them and not waste precious time fearing the "what ifs". It's my desire to face my destructive and profitless fears and replace them with true faith in the only One whose worthy to put my faith in. May we all look unto Him who will give us the strength to face our fears and walk boldly in the way of the Lord! To Him alone be the glory!

A song for my sweet baby Sams.

All Of Me
Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me