After a whole year... I finally finished Evaelia's Birth Story and video!! It was such an emotional process for me! We are so thankful for the love and support of such great friends and family over these last 3 years. Each prayer has carried us through so many obstacles and trials during that time. We love each and every one of you and we are so thankful for your part in the life of our Rainbow Baby!
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There was no turning back and I knew it, no doubtin' it!! The contractions were moving swiftly and fiercely and I couldn't imagine having my baby in my womb much longer. While resting between contractions I was actually kinda bummed that this was the end. This was the day that I wouldn't have to dream anymore. I was going to meet my baby face to face very soon and I wasn't really afraid like I thought I would be. I imagined that I would be so fearful of my baby not being born alive that I would really have to cope through an anxiety attack just to give birth. God knew my frame and He placed a peace over me that passed all understanding.
From there on out the contractions were all over the place, but all of them remaining under 3.5 minutes. I had moved my belly dancing from the kitchen to the bathroom, where the finale would be. LOL! And Jeremy proceeded to try his hardest to get the tub filled in time. Keep in mind, our tub is HUGE!! It could fit four adults in it comfortably. Since living here we have only been in it a handful of times because it takes so much hot water to fill it up. I was literally praying the whole time because I desired a water birth so badly.
I got in as the tub was filling up just to rest a little after swaying my heart out. My mom, my mother-in-law, and my sweet cousin Angie arrived at around the same time and I was relieved to see their faces. There is just something about another woman there by your side while birthing. It's a beautiful thing to see and to feel. My mom was boiling water for the tub and Angie began trying to help, all while snapping a few pics. We laughed through the few seconds that it seemed I had been given in between contractions and then I became jittery and I wanted to get out of the tub. I felt cold so they got my favorite cozy plush robe to put on and that made life a little better. After a crazy fierce surge I mentioned to Angie that I would just die if everyone got here and I was like 4 cm dilated. Just DIE! Well......It wasn't seconds after making that silly statement that I began to hurl and get the shakes. I knew what that meant! I was in transition!!!!! I remember looking back at Angie like Rocky Balboa while wiping my face clean with a rag. With determination on my brow, I said "Nope....I'm in transition!" After getting through this stage, I knew the next step would be pushing my baby out. I remember questioning in my mind of how this could be happening so fast. Needless to say, Angie made another call to my midwives to see if they were nearby because things were progressing so fast.
I didn't know what was going on outside my bathroom doors, but the inside of those doors became my sanctuary. I needed silence. I couldn't stand the chattiness so everyone that was talking had to LEAVE my space. I thought that I would be able to get some relief by laboring with Jeremy in the shower, so in we went. I LOVE THAT MAN for 1,000 reasons!! He was so sweet and was steadily by my side no matter where I dragged him. I had a couple contractions before my midwives arrived. I remember them scuffling in with their supplies and asking how I was doing to my family of doulas. I let out a huge "Woooooooohoooooo!" I heard everyone's chuckles each time I did my verbalizations. I'm tellin' ya those were some fierce and potent contractions and that's all I knew to do!
Then, I saw the midwife coming at me with that dreaded thing! The thing I feared every time I had a prenatal appointment after losing Zion. The instrument that gives the verdict, in a sense. The heart rate doppler. Before I had much time to fear, she had already gotten a heart tone and said that the baby sounded great! I could actually feel the baby's body moving to make her entrance. It was so intimate between my sweet baby and me. I was telling her inwardly "We are here baby! I will hold you soon and I'll know your sweet face !"
After the few contractions in the shower I was getting antsy so we decided to make our way into the tub because I was feeling "pushy". As soon as my knees felt the bottom of the tub I buried my face in my pillow and pulled Jeremy close behind me. It was hard to stay focused through each contraction and I just had to give into the pain and let my body take over. I told my mom it was time to get Ellie, so she went and woke her. Ellie wanted to be present at the birth so badly. She had watched a gazillion birth videos so I felt assured that she would be fine seeing our baby being born. My little Ellie crept in the room with her swollen eyes, but it didn't take her long to realize what was about to happen..... a MIRACLE! I saw her excited face light up and I became more focused and was able to let go. Suddenly, my water broke!
I just kept saying how badly I wanted to hold my baby. I was emotional. I was broken. I was nostalgic. In that moment I didn't just want my baby that I was giving birth to, but I wanted my other two children there with me in that moment. I was wishing that I could've held them alive and experienced a beautiful and peaceful birth with them. I wanted them to be there in that moment, just like Ellie, as a Big Brother and Big Sister.
My heart grew in strength as I glanced at those bible verses all around me. They had been plastered on all four walls for 2.5 years. They all had the common theme: God will give strength to the weak. That was me.... weak and physically drained, yet I felt so empowered by His words. HE was there. I could feel His power and holiness fill the room. He was making way for His glory to be shown to us who had been eager to see it.
I pushed only a few times when I felt the babies head crowning. I tried so hard to wait patiently for the next push. When it came time, I delivered the rest of her body into the into her daddy's loving arms. The midwife untangled her chord and we brought our "water baby" out to breathe her first earthly breath. She was asleep!!! Our real sleeping beauty! Most of the ladies could see that it was a girl , but they were told not to announce the sex of the baby before we actually got to peek for ourselves. When I saw that it was a girl I smiled. I knew it! I knew she was my little girl that I had waited 9 plus long months to finally see face to face. I wouldn't let her go. I was crying , yet not many tears were shed. I was in shock and still trying to take it all in.
I couldn't believe it....sometimes I still can't believe it! I did it! I had a LIVE baby! My Baby Alive was alive indeed! I also had my healing home water birth that satan had told me so often would never happen. Everyone in that room finally took a deep sigh of relief. Their next breaths were used to rejoice and praise! They all had some great part in praying for and nurturing this little life that suddenly had breath, and a name. The name that I could say without imagining it chiseled on a tombstone. A miracle before their very eyes. They saw what faith could do, what HOPE felt like in their hands. We all felt victory!! We all felt joy!! We all knew who we were in those moments under the sovereignty of a great.. big.... God, the Creator and giver of every life.
My placenta didn't take long to be delivered and I was so ready to get out of the tub. I couldn't wait to lay in my own bed with my new little family. Ahhh.... the pleasures of home birth! No one took my baby from me other than to get out of the tub and to weigh her. It really was as peaceful as I had envisioned. She was so bright eyed and beautiful. It was determined that she was 41 weeks 2days. I knew when I first held her that I had held a baby that felt so similar. She was 7lb 9oz, 20 inches long, exactly the same as her big brother Zion. It was bittersweet.
When I put her to my breast to feed I sobbed inwardly, only for it to quickly come seeping outwardly. We all had another moment. My midwife came to my bedside, pulled us into herself, and we all wept together. She had been with Jeremy and I on this hard journey. She knew the pain of great loss herself. She tearfully exclaimed "You did it!" She was proud. She was elated that God given us the desires of our hearts.
As the sun rose that Father's Day morning, I was amazed at what the Father had given to me, to our family. New life. Beauty for ashes. So many dreams were fulfilled. So many prayers had been answered. That day marked a true spiritual victory in my life!
I was relieved that I could finally stop chasing my Rainbow from that moment on because I was holding her in all her radiant beauty.
Never stop chasing your Rainbow!
* There were some intimate details concerning Evaelia's birth that I have chosen to keep just that, intimate. However, as my granny would say ''I squeezed the juice out for ya''.
"Estimated" Due Dates, also known as EDDs, sometimes frustrate me when taken to the extreme. They are "guess dates" really. They are meant to be used as an estimation date and not as an expiration date. I guess I get personally frustrated because I am one who seems to have her babies 3 days past her estimated due dates, and sometimes that gets held against me. When my son Zion died at 2 days post due date and I delivered at 3 days post due date, I had several say to me "Why did you go past your due date? Why didn't you get induced and he might've/would've lived? " or "Why didn't you go in when you felt the first pain?" They felt, or still feel, that because my son went 2 days past this estimation that surely his death could've been prevented by, in their terms, going in and letting them "take" my baby. After all, inductions being performed on, just days prior to, or post due date for no health reason, are very common occurrences now. However, I feel that it is really unfair to assume that my son's death could've been prevented had it not been for 3 days .
I went through this same thing with Ellie. I went to the dr. on my due date and by the end of the appointment they had already scheduled my induction. I was terrified when the consultation was over. I was told that if I didn't have my baby over the weekend then I would be brought in at the first of the week for an induction. Thank you Jesus! I did go into labor and didn't have to be induced! She was born 3 days after her "estimated due date".
People are constantly asking when my due date is, and I'll admit, I am very hesitant to reveal it a lot of times. I know people are excited and they want to see me hold a new and live baby just as I do. They have good intentions, however, after my experience with Zion and his due date, I don't want anyone putting pressure on me or instilling any type of fear into my pregnancy.
I am trying to have a pregnancy that is peaceful and full of trusting in the Lord, and it's hard, especially with outside influences. I do believe that the Lord is in FULL and TOTAL control of my baby's arrival and that gives me peace. I know there are mother's that have lost babies that feel they need an induction or cesarean to make them feel less anxiety and it gives them a sense of peace. I would NEVER hold that against them. Nevertheless, I don't feel that I should feel pressured or feel like I am neglecting the welfare of my child if I choose not to do either of those after the loss of my children. I have had way more than one person suggest a cesarean birth to ensure that my baby will live.
I am sorry, if God, the author of life, means for your baby to live then they will, no matter the type of birth you experience. Every man, woman, boy or girl has their appointment with death ,and ultimately God.(Heb. 9:27) If life is truly in our hands then we become God and we have no need of Him. I don't like the idea of women feeling bullied or scared into doing something unnecessary because of others' fears. I see this happen so often with my doula clients and I can't tell you how frustrating it is.
I do feel that we should make wise, careful, and prayerfully thought out decisions about anything regarding our children. I also feel that there are times and instances for interventions such as inductions or cesareans. At this point there is no reason for me to have any interventions because it has been noted by my doctor and my midwives that I am currently experiencing a normal and very healthy pregnancy. That is not to say that something might occur in mine or the baby's health in the remainder of my pregnancy. If so, then yes, I would feel the need to have an intervention at that time. I do plan on waiting on the Lord to send my baby when it's the perfect time so be patient with us. : )
Sorry to be so transparent,and the Lord knows that I don't want to offend or hurt anyone, but I'm already feeling the pressure as my " due date" is just around the corner. I am definitely in the home stretch ,so to speak, and the anticipation is growing.
I ask that everyone reading this blog ,as well as their friends and loved ones, to pray for us as Baby Sams and I finish out this part of our journey together. Pray that it will be one of peace and not fear. One of truly trusting in our Sovereign Lord and His control in our lives. Pray for others that just might not know what to say to loss mothers like myself, and as a result, do more damage than good, when they honestly mean well. Pray that the Lord would fill their mouths with the right words to say or bridle their tongues when their silence would be better heard.
As I write this I am in tears thinking of how good God has been. He's given me such caring and supportive people that I love and call my friends. Your prayers, and the prayers of so many others that I don't even know, have meant so much! I have felt them as God has given me so much grace and peace to actually enjoy this pregnancy, when I thought it would be impossible for me to ever feel peace in a pregnancy again. I also pray that if it be God's will that I will hold this baby alive
very soon and that I will be able to share him/her with everyone and that we may honor
God with our rejoicing over all that He has done. He is worthy! To God alone be the glory!
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD,
thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" Jeremiah 29:11
Throughout my Christian life I have struggled like so many others
with the sovereignty of God. Are things by chance or by design...... by luck or by the sovereign plan and will of God. Is He really in total control? That question has been tested often throughout my life, but surely tested the most in these last couple years. Each time the question being answered with a steadfast YES! Yes, He is in total and complete control of everything. Although my life seemed to be out of control at times, its reigns were surely in the hands of an all powerful God.
After losing Zion, months went by with me experiencing horrible anxieties and fears. What was wrong with me? What horrible disease was I dying from? Why couldn't I have a live baby? Would I ever be a mother to a live baby again? I would look around at other women who seemed so unhealthy to me, yet, they were mothers to many children. I had tried to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and still, my baby died. In my heart I knew that God was truly sovereign and that what I was going through was beyond anything that I could control.
A time that I really felt out of control was the day that I found out I was expecting another baby just shortly after losing Zion. I had been exclusively pumping and donating my breast milk and my cycle had never returned. We were taking other precautionary measures as well, and I still somehow managed to become pregnant with Selah. I remember taking that test and thinking "There's NO way I could be pregnant", but God was totally sovereign and saw fit to bless us with another baby.
All my hopes of having a live baby were crushed when I went into the doctor' s office at 20 wks 4days only to find that my little ray of hope was gone. I had been having contractions all night and I was in labor.
I must say, there is nothing like hearing those gut wrenching words " I can't find a heartbeat." With anguish my response was "NO!!! Not again!!" I kept thinking of what went wrong. Why was my body failing me again?? I felt so out of control and helpless.
I went home to labor because I knew that soon enough we would be facing the four walls of that place I so dreaded to go again. Seeing that I was in labor, I knew that the baby more than likely had passed some days sooner and that my body was just naturally reacting. I was in fear that after arriving at the hospital that they would try to take my baby from me if the baby was not considered 20 weeks. I wanted to see my baby whole and as they were in my womb, not ripped from my body and broken into pieces.
After laboring at home all day we went to the hospital to deliver my sleeping baby. She was born very shortly after our arrival. So soon that Jeremy had to deliver her himself. Then, we finally met her! The first thing we noticed was that the cord was wrapped very tightly, more than once , around her neck. So tightly that that they didn't even bother to unwrap it from her tiny little neck. They just clipped the cord into two different sections so that she could be free. I won't lie, it was very disturbing to see my little Selah like that, knowing that I couldn't help her.
When the doctor finally arrived he examined her and he felt as if she had died from a cord accident. Then words so unforgettable to me rolled off his tongue. " You are as healthy as a horse and I can't find anything wrong. You just have "bad luck"! You're like one of those people whose house burns down and in the same day their dog gets run over." Really?? I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I couldn't believe that he was considering the loss of my children just an issue of "luck". I was puzzled and once again I was left to wonder was there truth in the doctor's words or was there something more. Was this "luck" or the sovereign will of God?
My midwife wasn't going to chalk it up to just my "bad luck". In her heart she felt there was more to my story. She mentioned to the doctor about having me tested for numerous genetic disorders including blood clotting and lupus. He was only considering the fact that he had done several panels of protocol blood testing that concluded that I was a seemingly very healthy young female. He felt that there was no way I could have a genetic disorder, because I have a live and healthy daughter. His ruling.........just "bad luck"!
8 more months went by after the loss of Selah and I wrestled with the thoughts of did I just have "bad luck", or was it my gut instinct that something was really wrong. At that point, I had been told by satan for over a year that I was dying of some horrible disease that was taking the lives of my children and that it would one day take my life as well. I had listened to it all long enough! Only being moved by the Lord, I finally put my so called "luck" to the test.
I faced my fear of what could be wrong and I went to my new doctor and told her I wanted to be tested for anything that could cause me to lose my children. After a thorough examination and several vials of blood later, she came back in to tell me her major concerns and ideas on what could possibly be wrong. She said that she felt just as my midwife did. I either had lupus, a blood clotting disorder, or a folic acid deficiency. I asked which was the best and worst to have out of all 3. She felt that the blood clotting disorder would be the most complicated to treat and the folic acid deficiency would be the easiest to treat. She had found that a large number of women that were otherwise healthy ,but continue to lose children, have the genetic folic acid disorder.
She told me that the office would give me a call back in about a week with my results. However, 6 days had passed and I was too antsy. I had to make a call to the doctor's office. I couldn't wait to know. I ask the nurse if she could give me my results over the phone and she did. She informed me that I had a thyroid disorder and that I needed to be evaluated more extensively by an endocrinologist. I was flabbergasted! I had no obvious symptoms of a thyroid disorder other than being unable to lose the baby weight. I just thought that the weight was from having 2 babies very close together. She then said stated that I needed to come back in and see the doctor for my other results. That way she could answer any of my questions that I might have. I scheduled an appointment right away and I don't think I slept a wink in those few days before that appointment. I knew in my heart that she had found something and I was very anxious and scared of what it could be!
When I arrived at the office I knew that my blood pressure was about to exceed my expectations!! Then they called my name I could feel the sweat rolling into my palms. The nurse escorted me into the exam room and I was told that the doctor would be in shortly. That was the longest 10 mins.ever!! When she entered the room she came in with the biggest smile on her face and said " Crystal.......I have good news for you!" She proceeded to give me her finding, that I in fact did have the genetic folic acid deficiency. She was overjoyed that it was the simplest to treat out of all the issues that I could've had. She said that it was known as the MTHFR genetic mutation which is a disorder that causes a major problem with my body's metabolism of folic acid. A low level of folic acid can cause so many problems with how our body functions and especially during pregnancy. With the MTHFR mutation your body processes less folate.
Less folate leads to a buildup of homocysteine. Too much homocysteine
has been linked to health problems like abnormal clotting, heart disease, strokes and pregnancy complications.
Another sad reality is that over 40% of Americans are walking around with this disorder and they don't even know it. It is not a test that is routine. It is a genetic test. She said I would've never known of it had my children not died, sending a reg flag that there was some sort of problem. It is not a normal protocol to test pregnant mothers until they have experienced 3 or more losses. However, I am so glad that someone was willing to help me to find some answers. It's just so sad that women have to endure such losses before some doctors will step in to check for issues they might have.
I cried when she proceeded to tell me that all that was needed was a high dosage of folic acid. I asked in amazement "So it's the lack of something so simple? Something that I could get off the shelf at Wal-mart is what caused me to lose my children?" She said she wasn't for sure with Selah because of the assumed cord accident, however, she felt that if she didn't die from that she surely did from the genetic disorder. She wanted me to understand that it wasn't just that simple. Folic acid plays a huge part in a healthy pregnancy and in any healthy adult. When we don't have a sufficient supply in our bodies it can cause major problems. She was so consoling when I was confronted with the fact that I had a problem and now I knew what it was. No more walking around wondering what it could be or even believing the excuse of it just being a case of "bad luck".
The doctor also informed me that I had a thyroid disorder called hypothyroidism. I have an underactive thyroid. I was somewhat familiar with this disorder considering that most of the females in my family have this same problem.. She assured me that the thyroid disorder was not the cause of the loss of my children, but that I needed to see an endocrinologist for my thyroid treatment.
I walked out of the office that day and sat in my car only to weep uncontrollably. I felt like I had just lost my babies all over again. I wept over all that I had just learned and I was trying to let it all sink in. I wept over the fact that it wasn't by chance or coincidence. That's hogwash! Through God's sovereignty I was shown that I had a problem that was beyond my control. It wasn't in something that I had or had not eaten or that I had a midwife for a care provider and was planning a home birth. It wasn't in some horrible sin that I had committed or that I didn't try to live the healthiest that I could and make the best choices for my baby. It wasn't even in my so called "bad luck".
Zion's name now had shown me it's true meaning. His name means sign or way marker. Through God ,that's surely what Zion has done in all of this. His death has become the way marker to reveal my problem so that I may warn my family and others about it. The knowledge of my disorder will now assist me in being a healthier wife and mother for my family. I know that just because I'm aware of a possible cause for the loss of my children that it doesn't guarantee that my unborn baby will live. Life is not measured by some diagnosis that we might receive, but only by the sovereign and master plan of God.
Please continue to pray that if it be God's will that I will hold my precious baby alive very soon. I feel so blessed that I can rest in a God that is in full and total control of my life's outcomes and that I will never have to depend on so called "luck" to steer which way life's journey will go. To God alone be the glory!
"Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me."
"Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the
things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I
will do all my pleasure." Isaiah 46:9-10
March 28th, 2011 was definitely the saddest day of my life thus far. It was another sleepless night full of dark thoughts and the aggravating inconveniences of hospital stay. My nurse had changed by this point, (Halllelujah!!) and in my eyes, the new one seemed like an angel. She came in and cried with me as she assured me that she would do all she could to help me in any way. Throughout the night I was prodded with tons of blood drawing and testing as my induction continued, and so of course, good sleep was not an option.
My midwife and husband remained by my side and just looked at me with eyes of understanding when I continued to repeat those words over and over, "Please.... just let me die!" There really wasn't much more vocabulary that was present in my mind at the time. I was so broken inside and I felt so guilty. Guilty for ever thinking one bad thought about someone. I even felt guilty for ever eating any food that wasn't organic or not having every ultrasound that could possibly be administered. Satan was also there to remind me of all my sins and extend condemnation. He reminded me of all the despair that I would feel and what a horrible wife and mother I would be because of my paralyzing grief . He desired for me think the unimaginable. He is often good at convincing us that nothing will ever be able to cure our brokenness and despair.
As the morning daylight was approaching, Jeremy and I took a moment by ourselves to watch the sun rise. We peeled back the shades of that gloomy labor room to watch light and life come in. We held hands and prayed together because we knew this was the day that we would finally meet our precious baby. Not the way we had desired, but the way God had designed, and so we worshipped. God gave me strength at that time to think of His Glory and not just my sadness, His Peace and not just my sorrow. We cried together and it was in that moment that we knew we were not alone, but truly surrounded by the presence of the Lord.
It wasn't long until visitors began to come. The waiting room was soon filled with tons of our family members and friends. We were so thankful for the outpouring of love from each and every one that was present and also with us in spirit. My labor room was filled as well and I remember each person that came and sat by my bed side that day. They got to see me at my lowest and worst. My eyes were swollen very badly, my lips cracked and dry, my hair a hot mess, and not a dab of makeup left. I couldn't muster up the strength to even try to fix myself up when that wasn't at all what was going on inside of me.
Some of my family members were outraged at what had happened and they were
blaming it on my choice to plan a home birth. They felt if I had just
had a "normal hospital birth" with a "regular doctor" my baby would've lived. They were also saying things like " If she had just come in with the first pain the baby would've lived", and so many more "if onlys". I know that they were just looking for any reason for my baby's death and that's "somewhat" understandable. However, my choices and plans had nothing to do with the passing of my baby. I Thank God for the doctor coming in to explain that to those who were present in the room with us. He explained what would happen and he said "There is nothing that you could've done to prevent this from happening. It's not your fault or any fault of the midwife's. Nothing would've changed the outcome here." What he said did give me some relief because not only did I feel an enormous amount of guilt , but I had others shoveling more on top of it, and it hurt!
22 hours of grief and labor had passed and we were getting closer to having our baby. I was getting so anxious because I could feel that the journey with my baby was coming to an end. My friend Jennifer played one of my favorite songs for me by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Sometimes I can put myself back in that room and hear it just as it was that day, clear and reverent. I couldn't help but cry and raise my hands to my God that had blessed me so much. He was there and that was all that was needed. I felt Him just like He had scooped me up in His big arms to hold me so tightly, and He gave me strength.
"Thou Oh Lord"- Please listen!!
I started to feel lots of pressure and I knew it was time to push. All my room guests were asked to leave except my midwife, my best friend , my mom, my mother in law, and of course, Jeremy. I began to push, but with every push, there came reservation. The doctor and nurse had warned me because they felt like the baby had probably suffered a cord accident, after they couldn't find any other cause. I just couldn't imagine looking at my baby in such distress, knowing that I couldn't help them, and I was afraid. With every contraction I couldn't help but push and it was inevitable that I would meet my baby in a matter of minutes.
When the doctor came back in he looked so disturbed, as I'm sure he does when he has to deliver any baby sleeping. When it came to the last few pushes, I wanted to hold back and I kept crying" I can't do it, I'm scared!" I was so scared of it being over. I was scared of our journey together being over and me viewing some horrible sight when I saw what my baby had suffered while in my womb. I also dreaded the confirmation that my baby's life was gone for sure and that God didn't miraculously breathe life back into my baby as I had hoped.
I had the best cheer leaders that day. It was as if for a moment they were blinded to the fact that our baby was dead. They were excited through every successful push and hoorayed every time a contraction was finished. Then, the most feared time was imminent when the last few pushes were over and it was time to meet my baby. My final thoughts before the baby arrived were "God please help me! Is it a boy or a girl? What will I see?"
Then I felt the last part of my baby's body arrive into this world. The time was 6:43 pm. Everyone was silent as the doctor took time to look and examine the baby extensively. I couldn't see much because I was on my side as I delivered, however, I could hear. I heard the umbilical cord as it was moved across the plastic on the bed. I could tell it was heavy. I remember glancing over my shoulder to see the doctor opening the baby's mouth and looking at their ears in deep concentration. Then I heard it! Out of the silence and stillness came a voice saying " Crystal.... It's a BOY, You have a boy!!" My heart sank and I wept. It was this little boy that I had imagined the whole time. He was here.... but he was gone. I couldn't help but mumble his name over and over "Zion.... Zion....Zion!"
I was all ready missing this little person that I had just met. I wept uncontrollably for a couple of minutes, that seemed like an eternity. Then, the doctor made his first statement after Zion arriving " Crystal, I'm so sorry.......but your baby is.....your baby is just perfect." My heart sank another 1,000 feet. Perfect?? How could my baby be so perfect and be dead? What went wrong?? I was so confused and crushed! Then, those same feelings of guilt crept back into my mind.
A few moments passed and the nurse asked " Would you like to hold your baby?" I quickly rolled over and sat up in my bed with anticipation to see this perfect baby. When his body was placed in my arms I was amazed at how warm and cozy he felt. He had lots of dark black hair that I had prayed for and we were all in amazement at his beautiful bright red lips. He was meaty and muscular like a boy should be. He was another combo kid like Ellie, having distinct features of both Jeremy and I. I kept waiting for him to miraculously breathe ,but he never did. He just appeared as if he was sleeping so peacefully, because in reality he truly was.
The nurse asked did we have a name for him. It killed me to say it as I wept "Yes, Zion .......Zion Jeremiah" and then I pulled him into my chest and buried my face close to his. My tears covered him as I thought about his name. I knew I would never get to call out that name to this sweet little boy and see him come running. I would never go to the doctor and hear them say " Zion Sams ". I would never get to see his graduation or wedding invitation embossed with his beautiful name. I knew that only a tombstone would be marked publicly with his beautiful name, and I was devastated.
I shared my baby with the people in the birth room that day and they were forever changed. I gazed at their faces as they held him, and they did just as I had. They were screaming inside for this beautiful baby boy to just wake up. They were all broken ,but yet, they rejoiced at how fearfully and wonderfully made he was. He was perfect!
It wasn't long until I delivered my placenta and the birth was finally over. The doctor examined the umbilical cord and placenta and said they were both healthy and beautiful. He found no cause for the baby's death and said that having an autopsy performed was not recommended because it wouldn't reveal anything new. He also said that in most cases of stillbirth the cause is unknown. We agreed about not performing an autopsy, knowing that we wanted to have a funeral for our baby soon and that either way we could not have our son back.
After everyone in the room had held the baby, the nurse asked if she could take him and give him a bath. Following his bath, all of my family in the waiting room had a chance to see him and hold him if they desired. They were in amazement at this beautiful little boy with the crimson red lips. One even asked the nurse if we put lipstick on him because they were so beautiful and red. They saw our perfect little Zion just as we had, and they were changed forever.
Later the nurse arrived back with Zion all dressed in his hospital best. He smelt so good with his new baby smell. The nurse gave me a memory box with all of his hospital momentos. There was a card placed in the box that read that he was a perfect 7lbs. 9oz and was 20 inches long. There was also a petite little envelope that I opened to find a locket of his beautiful, black curly hair. I was so broken as I was reminded again that this baby would not go home with us, but only a little blue satin box full of hospital memories.
I sat in such amazement at this perfect baby that had grown inside of me and I praised God that He chose me to carry him.We had a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in to take pictures of Zion and she arrived about 4 hrs after his birth. I was so worried because I wasn't sure what he would look like when she came, but he was beautiful. She couldn't help but cry as she snapped each photograph that night. I'm sure her job is very difficult, however, I'm so thankful for her sacrificing a big part of herself and emotions to minister to hurting families just like us. On March 29, 2011 I was blessed with beautiful memories of Zion that I will forever cherish and I would like to share them with you today.
Zion Jeremiah Sams
"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God hath shined." Psalms 50:2
Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or
something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. It's also an
emotion that I have been closely acquainted with over the last 2
years. For some time, after each loss, I feared so many different things in my life. One big fear was that I would never know happiness and true joy again. I remember that I often said to Jeremy "Will I ever truly smile
again?" I couldn't imagine going on without my son and daughter and not
having to fake a smile while I longed for them to be here with us. At
times, I was engulfed by my anxieties and satan had me convinced that I would
literally die from the pain of my grief. I was so scared for night to come because that's when I feared the most. I would even make long trips to Walmart in the wee hours of the night/morning just so I could see life stirring around me. I dreaded to pillow my head at night in true fear of dying and leaving my sweet Ellie motherless. These fears were so crippling at times, and I know in my heart that I have lost precious moments with my family and those that needed me. However, my fears had such a strong hold on my life that I couldn't see past them to see their devastating effects.
Anotherone of my biggest fears, and one that so many of us struggle with, are the "what ifs". We feel out of control not knowing the outcome of things. I'll admit, it's more like a burden to worry about the thought that this life could
be taken away from us at any moment. I will also say, that being pregnant after
loss is not easy, by no means, but extremely faith testing. Every pain
and twinge makes my mind wonder, "what if this could be the day that I lose my unborn child". I'm human, and I don't always hear the voice of Truth ringing in
my ear. Sometimes my fears and anxieties seem to speak louder at
times, and unfortunately, I listen. I remember one of the last times that I met with my dear midwife. She was trying to console me as I feared for her to check for the heartbeat of my baby. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, showing true empathy after she herself had suffered multiple losses. She said to me "You must replace your fear with faith! Fear will never change anything for the good. It will only take from those things that are most precious to you." What wise and heartfelt words from someone who understood and had felt my fears and pains just like my own.
Needless to say, I still have my fears at times. However, I am learning to face them one day at a time. It's time for faith to replace them. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the
evidence of things not seen" (Heb11:1). So it's time to walk by faith and not by sight and not by things I can't control. I don't know the future of my unborn child, but I do know the One who controls his/her future. I also don't want to be afraid of my own future and not liveoutthe joyous life that I have in Christ. I want to do like the song writer says "If the life that we've been given is made beautiful in the living. And the joy that we get brings joy to the heart of the Giver. I wanna live like there's no tomorrow and love like I'm on borrowed time. It's good to be alive!" Life is too precious of a gift to waste on the fear of living it!
Tomorrow, I have an ultrasound for my sweet baby and I pray that all goes well. However, I don't want to be afraid of God's will whatever it may be. That's a hard thing to say because the thought of what His will might be can be scary at times. It might hurt and cause suffering, but we need to see it in the light of whateverit takes to bring Him glory and praise.
I pray that I can enjoy my sweet unborn baby. I want to cherish each day that I have with themandnot waste precious time fearing the "what ifs". It's my desire to face my destructive and profitless fears and replace them with true faith in the only One whose worthy to put my faith in. May we all look unto Him who will give us the strength to face our fears and walk boldly in the way of the Lord! To Him alone be the glory!
A song for my sweet baby Sams.
All Of Me
Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start
I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you
Chorus
Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
