Day 5: My Memories
I wish I could have more memories of Selah than I do. Our time together seemed so short, however, I do have several memories of her that I cherish dearly. The memory that stands out the most of my little Selah is her tiny and wonderfully made hands. Often I post the pic of the hands in memory of her and what her tiny hands looked like. The day she was born we all were in awe at her little body and how it had grown. Her hands and feet were so precious and looking at her made you gasp at the thought that she could ever be considered only a fetus, and not a baby. I held those two tiny hands and two tiny feet and I knew she was walking on streets of gold and her hands were lifted in praise to the God who had created her. My beautiful little girl! That's when her name became Selah!
In October we take the "Walk To Remember" with so many other loss parents. As a family we walk to celebrate Zion & Selah's life, their existence, not just to remember that they are gone from us. Whether we acknowledge it or not, each one that walks this journey of grief are all only able to walk it because God has given us the strength to do so. He is worthy to be praised!
Day 7: You Now
It seems like yesterday that I laid their little bodies to rest and grief became a part of my story. I know now why they call it a journey. I've come to a place now that I can truly smile again! That's something satan tried to tell me would never be possible. The good days by far out weigh the bad. However, some days are just bad! I had one last week when I felt so low. It was a day when I had taken Ellie to the park . I was watching her and so many other children run and play so free and full of energy and life .Then it just hit me! I was reminded that there are 4 tiny hands and 4 tiny feet that I will never watch playing and swinging high in the air. I will never hear their laugh or hear them scream for mommy's help. Yeah... that was a bad day! When I came home I just lost myself on Jeremy's big shoulders and all I could squall was " I miss my babies!!“ As always, his tender voice reassured me that missing them was ok! We will never get over what our children have brought into our lives. Now, we love deeper, live more compassionately, and we know more about true HOPE! We pray that we may help encourage others to embrace their children and their children's precious lives whether they be alive or in a heavenly place. They are a gift! We also pray that we may encourage others to see the beauty that God makes out of ashes!
My verse for where I'm at in grief now-"As sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things." 2 Cor. 6 :10
Day 8: Color
The color that reminds me of Zion is baby blue. When they brought him back to me after his first bath he was wrapped in this beautiful blue blanket and blue crocheted hat. Deep inside I always wanted a little boy that dressed in blue, played in the dirt, wore his cowboy boots with his jeans tucked in, and always into mischief like his daddy. I got my little boy that day, dressed in blue, however, I hate that I won't get to see him in all the mischief !! You know the kind where all you can say is "That's my boy!" and just shake your head and smirk. LOL! Every single time I see that color I can still see his masculine little body swaddled tightly by the blues. I love my baby boy, Zion Jeremiah Sams!
When I think of Selah, the color is burnt orange. It's my favorite Fall color and oh.... how I love Fall ! She was born in November and the air was chilly and windy the day we laid her to rest . I still remember all my family and loved ones gathered round as we celebrated her life and existence. It was a beautiful sight to see everyone that wanted to honor her. Everyone was wrapped up tightly. Burnt orange stood out that day because it was all around us. The leaves, the pumpkins, and my favorite, my best friend Jennifer 's beautiful crocheted hat. She was so pretty as she sang to my Selah . Burnt orange brings nothing but happiness my way because when I see it I always think of her, my baby girl!
Day 9: Music
My song for Zion. This song stays in my heart and it's my testimony. It
was sung at Zion's funeral by special friends of ours. I thought I would
make it personal and I tried to sing it the best I could with my phone
recording. Forgive my singing and just listen to the words.
http://soundcloud.com/sams-i-am/gods-been-good
A song for my Selah. This song reminds me of Selah because it was sung at her funeral by a dear friend. I tried to sing it here without choking up too much. It's words are so true for both my children in heaven. I will carry them in my heart until the day I can hold them in my arms.
http://soundcloud.com/sams-i-am/i-will-carry-you
Day 10: Beliefs
This is a picture that Jeremy painted of Ellie when she was only 3 days old. It depicts a baby safe in the arms of Jesus. Little did we know that all of our children would resemble little Ellie, so it has great significance! Ok.. onto my beliefs.The challenge did ask for "our beliefs" so please...I pray that any one who may not share the same beliefs as me doesn't feel disheartened or offended.
* I believe that life is precious no matter what week of gestation and that each life was foreordained before the foundation of the world.
* I believe that all babies are children , not just fetuses or a clump of cells that did or didn't form.
* Because I believe babies are children I hate abortion because it takes a precious life.
*I believe that all men will spend an eternity in heaven or hell.
*I believe that my children both are in heaven and are worshiping their Creator at this present time.
*I believe that as all men do, they had their appointed time to live and die here on Earth, according to scripture.( Hbr 9:27)
*I believe that they only see beauty and perfection before them.
*It doesn't bother me when people say it but I personally don't believe that my Zion & Selah are tiny little babies in heaven.I believe this because in heaven there will be no needs. I'm thinking that they are at a prime age, maybe even 33 like Jesus was when he died IDK.
*I believe that God is totally Sovereign in all things! That means in TOTAL control!
* I believe that everything that has happened or will happen in my story is for my good and for God's glory!
* I believe that one day my faith in all these things will become sight and I will behold Him!
Day: 11 -Emotional Triggers
I would have to say that my biggest emotional trigger would be watching my children grow. Seeing Ellie, Evaelia and her cousins grow makes my hear hurt a little sometimes.At times I just burst out into tears when I see family photos and their are two little faces missing. Watching children play just gives me a spiritual picture of how we should be in Christ, carefree and full of life! I see them run and play and think of my Zion and Selah and that they are carefree and full of life in heaven. Today when I saw Zion's best friend Judah running, playing, and being mischievous, it was so bittersweet. I imagined my Zion being by his side being a boy. Today I looked for at all the dark headed 2 yr. old girls and imagined my Selah. She was so beautiful in my eyes! So I guess all little babies /children just steal my heart and remind me of what I have in heaven and earth. I am reminded that I am blessed!
Day:12 Article
"Help My Baby Has Died" was a short read given to us by some special friends. It is a short leaflet type book but it was just what I needed at my time of loss. The main theme of the book is "There is indeed a God, and he is faithful and worthy of your trust, even now--especially now. He is the eternal, inextinguishable hope for grieving families."-Reggie Weems
Today we try to give these books out to those who experience the great loss of a precious baby. If you know anyone you would like for us to send one to let us know. We pray that God will grant us words of encouragement and HOPE to other grieving families!
Day 13: Book
This is a great book on the Sovereignty of God in suffering and the purposes of God in suffering. It is a book of comfort and I've found it to be a great help to steady my heart during trials and suffering.
Day 14: Family
This is a pic from one of our latest family photo sessions. I think it totally depicts what we were thinking at the time. We are still in awe at the blessings of God. In this pic and the next few that followed I had to brush back the tears as I remembered. I remembered a long, pain filled journey that had brought me to this place of victory and confidence in the ONE who's all I need. My times of doubt were vanquished when she came and I got to hold His promise to me. I hold His blessings every day. I hold a husband who adores me, two babies that need me and will never outgrow my arms , and two babies that I will carry within my heart until I meet eternity. I hold tight to God's blessings and promises. The enemy would desire to sift us as wheat and watch us crumble beneath our sufferings but I have a mighty God who puts all our enemies under His feet. He picks us up from the rubble and dusts off the ashes that the fiery trials have left behind, giving us beauty for ashes. To God alone be the glory!
Day 15: Wave of Light
This is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We light this candle in memory of all the babies whose parents are unable to squeeze them tightly and kiss them goodnight because they are in a heavenly place far away from us. This is a candle holder that my Little Ellie made for me and I cherish it dearly. Today's grief challenge was light and so I thought hey..... this little light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine! As I burned it tonight I thought of the light that has illuminated my heart by my little Zion & Selah! It's a light not seen by the eye and not even death can exstinguish it. It is a part of me that will burn forever. Tonight I think of my children and so many others' that have gone on before them.They will forever be in our hearts and could never be forgotten.
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