Day 16: Seasons
Day 17 : Time
It's been 2 yrs., 6months, 18 days, 5 hrs, and 37 minutes since I saw his sweet face for the first time. In those first few moments time stood still, death was put aside, and I wondered at my little baby boy. I even stole his first kiss.... as he stole my heart. Death couldn't steal my love for him away! My womb will never forget nurturing him and bringing him to me peacefully sleeping. He will forever be a part of who I am.
"There's a gentle comfort in knowing that on his way to heaven his soul had to pass through mine."
- Erika Medichian
It's been 1 yr, 11 months,4 hrs ,and 56 minutes since I saw her precious face for the first time. Her tiny body was born right into her daddy's arms and he felt what it was like to hold a real sleeping beauty. That day I was so broken to know that this was my story and that I was going to bury my second child in one year. Even so, her name was proclaimed and we praised God and rejoiced for His blessing to us. I was so in love as I held her tiny hand and thought of her holding her Creator's. She will forever be a part of who I am . I am blessed!
" She will forever be the turning point in my life. Who I was before she was silently born and who I was after her short life changed me, taught me, inspired me, blessed me."
Kristen Bailey
Day 18: Release
We were asked to share the one thing that we would desire to let go of on this journey of grief. If I were transparent and honest I would have to say anxiety. Like most mothers, I was a little nervous after giving birth to my little Ellie but I still wouldn't have considered myself "anxious". However, for me, there was something that the unexpected and sudden death of my child did to shake me to the core that day in March, 2011. I was forever changed. I was no longer that naive mother who was blind to death and only saw a perfectly healthy child and seemingly 100 more years to live. I became one who could no longer say "That will never happen to me." Sadly....that girl died that day too! Scrapes on Ellie's knees and her eating food that had made it's way to the bacteria infested floor was the least of my worries! I had been introduced to death in the most intimate way. They called me the 1%, since 1% of pregnancies end in stillbirth. That in itself made me anxious when I thought about it. I remember having anxiety to the max the week Zion died. I remember thinking each night that I would literally die in my sleep from a heart attack caused by severe anxiety and grief. Every night that I would live through I would praise God for it. Since then my anxiety has been like a roller coaster. About the the time I got it under control after losing Zion, I was hit again with losing Selah. Then I felt the same fearful emotions as I did when I lost him all over again! I was desperate and full of fears. A lot of people said to "Just get over it!" or "You're not trusting the Lord!" or the most common one, " Don't think bad thoughts , just think on the good!" To be honest , it's not that easy and that's not reality! The reality is... I have looked death in the face twice when I held my two sweet children. Death is one cold reality that will happen to all of us, even children, at our appointed time. Nevertheless, I never imagined my children dying. It's just hard to digest sometimes. Although we know they rest in perfect peace and we'll see them again, those of us left behind do mourn ,grieve, and go through all kinds of emotions. Every time I hear of someone's child dying I get a gut wrenching ,sick feeling and I know the pain that lies ahead for them.
Lately my anxiety seems much better. However, I did have some unrealistic thoughts of how I would be after having Evaelia. I thought if I could just have a live baby then my fears and anxieties would die. Not so ! There are times when I worry over Evaelia's out of character cries or even her severe quietness in her sleep. Every morning I pray before I look to see if she is warm with life. And this week when Ellie had a 105.1 temperature my mind wondered to that dark place where death is. Yes... death does something to you! It shakes you to the core and forever changes you. Thankfully, most of my days are good and the anxiety is at bay! I feel that the old saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" has a lot of truth in it! I have learned that these trials are a blessing and that through them we are made strong in Him. I know that all through these hardships and times of tribulation that God is in total control. He has an expected end to my story and it is glorious and beautiful in His eyes. I have no sad story to claim and I pray that no one ever feel sorry for what God has allowed in my life. I pray that I will continue to run to Him as His child when I am afraid of what tomorrow holds!
"But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head." Psalms 3:3
Day 19: Support
I feel blessed to have been supported by so many special people during this journey of grief. Everyone's support and love toward our family has meant so much and will never be forgotten. Nonetheless, the photo challenge asked us to share a photo of support so I just had to share my most supportive and best friend! He's been so faithful since the loss of our children and has shown his love and devotion to me. His love never fails, even when I crumble and fall into an emotional mush. I'll never forget him holding my hand that night when we were told our first born son had died. I remember looking into his eyes filled with compassion and strength ,while I felt so guilty and weak. He cheered me on as I delivered the son who would never be his shadow, a son that would never carry his name to future generations. He looked at me and told me how strong I was when all I could say was how sorry I was that I couldn't give him a live baby. I felt incompetent. Each day I would ask him if I would ever smile again or did he think I could ever have a live baby again . His response was always "YES you will !" Even through the death of Selah he was there to steady my heart. That day when we were told she was gone all I could do was scream " I can't do this again! I can't bury another baby!" He held my hand as we walked out of that doctor's office knowing that I would soon deliver his second sleeping child, and yet, he still loved me. He cheered me on again as my body painfully labored to meet our sleeping beauty Selah. I wish I could have had a camera to capture the look on his face the moment she was born into his hands. He was so amazed and it was if for a second, death was ignored and He saw only beauty when he looked at her for the first time. He smiled as if she had been born breathing and like any proud new father would. That expression is forever etched in my memory. He tried his best to encourage me and assure me of how strong I was. And once again he held my hand as I walked out of those hospital doors with and empty womb and empty arms.
Throughout the losses of our children he has never once left them out. No matter how difficult the situation, whenever asked how many children he has, he always says 4. That means so much to me! He has put his grief aside so many times to minister to me in my grief. I feel so safe when my hands are covered by his. He guards my heart! He's my strong hero! He's held my head up and wiped my tears so many times. He never fails to tell me how important I am to him and our little family. He is the epitome of what a Christian husband and father should be. He teaches me daily of the sovereignty of God and that I can trust Him fully. He has built me up and shown me what STRENGTH and HOPE really looks like. I feel abundantly blessed to say that I am his beloved!
Day 20: Hope
My hope for the future of those that experience the loss of a child
would be that more mothers and their families could find healing and
hope. Talking about my children has helped me heal the most in my journey
of grief. I pray that more women will feel open and break the silence
about their losses, whether they were 4 weeks or 41 weeks pregnant, or
whether they lost a child after birth. I feel that women are oppressed
by our society to believe that only time or breaths taken outside the
womb merit the rights to be deemed as a baby. It saddens me after I've
had countless mothers tell me that they've never been able to talk about
their loss. Unfortunately, they are still not able to fully grieve
because they've never felt comfortable or qualified to acknowledge their
child, and now feel guilty, even after decades may have passed. I want
to offer HOPE to those women. I want walk with them as they move
towards healing. I want them to know that it's ok and may be liberating
for them to share their children and their pain without the fear of
feeling senseless.
I also want to extend much love and grace to those women who have chosen abortion at some time ,and now mourn their decision. They need to grieve their baby as well. As Christians , sometimes we may tend to shorten our arm of grace to those who have made such a decision as abortion. I had one of my dear friends that had chosen to have an abortion years ago say to me " I have felt so much condemnation without any compassion!" I was moved by that statement and it is my desire to show compassion to these women and pray that they be restored. I want to extend the love of our Lord as I share the promise of His forgiveness to those who are broken and are truly repentant. These women desire healing and HOPE too.
Another group of women I want to extend my heart to are those who are dealing with "infertility". The term/label infertile seems so harsh and can sometimes make people feel incompetent. I want to offer HOPE to those women, because I can relate to them. I can understand and empathize with them because we share similar pains. I know what's it's like to want a live baby so badly, and yet, feel like I cannot produce one. It's devastating and takes a great toll on how a woman perceives herself.
I guess it's the doula in me that wants to minister to other women in a special way. I feel that every event in my life has brought me to this place. A place in my life where I want to help those that are broken and share my story of HOPE and redemption in Christ. There is HOPE for their healing and HOPE for their future. I pray that I may point them to the only ONE who can give this HOPE and healing. I also pray that we may trust in Him alone to bring us true joy, no matter what our lot in life may be. I wanted to post this pic of my Rainbow Baby Evaelia because to me ,this is what HOPE looks like!
I also want to extend much love and grace to those women who have chosen abortion at some time ,and now mourn their decision. They need to grieve their baby as well. As Christians , sometimes we may tend to shorten our arm of grace to those who have made such a decision as abortion. I had one of my dear friends that had chosen to have an abortion years ago say to me " I have felt so much condemnation without any compassion!" I was moved by that statement and it is my desire to show compassion to these women and pray that they be restored. I want to extend the love of our Lord as I share the promise of His forgiveness to those who are broken and are truly repentant. These women desire healing and HOPE too.
Another group of women I want to extend my heart to are those who are dealing with "infertility". The term/label infertile seems so harsh and can sometimes make people feel incompetent. I want to offer HOPE to those women, because I can relate to them. I can understand and empathize with them because we share similar pains. I know what's it's like to want a live baby so badly, and yet, feel like I cannot produce one. It's devastating and takes a great toll on how a woman perceives herself.
I guess it's the doula in me that wants to minister to other women in a special way. I feel that every event in my life has brought me to this place. A place in my life where I want to help those that are broken and share my story of HOPE and redemption in Christ. There is HOPE for their healing and HOPE for their future. I pray that I may point them to the only ONE who can give this HOPE and healing. I also pray that we may trust in Him alone to bring us true joy, no matter what our lot in life may be. I wanted to post this pic of my Rainbow Baby Evaelia because to me ,this is what HOPE looks like!
